"A list songs and quotes from FOX's "Married With Children"

Send additions and  corrections to Bob Pack ( )

Special thanks to Dean Adams for his program guide that filled in the
holes in the songs. Read either or for his
program guide ( an awesome resource for all mwc addicts ).

I've now classified the shows according to episode number to
make it easier to keep track of the updates

Thanks to the following people for additions / corrections / etc:

Name                            Address
Dean Adams            
Peter Apasewicz
Ronny H. Arild        
Andrew Astley         
William Bader         
Donald L. C. Blewett  
Russ Boucher          
Robert M. Carusso     
Dave Drab             
Darren Embry          
Jill Leslie Goodall   
Dolf Grunbauer        
Deepak Gursahaney     
Otto Heuer            
Kim H|glund           
Petur Himlarson       
Niels Ole Jensen      
Peter Jurgensen       
Michael Kopko                   KOPKO@B.PSC.EDU
Mike Latokartano      
Jacob Lauritzen       
Haynes Lee
Keith Lim             
LUke                            EENG6868@RYEVM.RYERSON.CA
David Matten          
Albert Peter Michael  
Dave Minsek           
Arnoud W. Morsink     
Thomas Oeigarden                thoman@solan.unit.nor
Bob Pack              
R. Pavlacic           
John Penokie          
Na Choon Piaw         
Clinton Pierce                  dn648@slc10.INS.CWRU
John Rinck            
Erik Rob|le
Jesse Sanchez         
Kai Siemonsen         
Bernd Spellenberg     
Jonathan P Tan
Udo Thiel             
Mahesh V Tripunitara  
Todd ( White Knight )           TAM131@PSUVM.PSU.EDU
Arun Vaidyanath       
Jeroen Vendrig        
Christopher Watkins
Larry Waxler          
Dan Welch             
Christian Wenz
Mark Weston           
Michael Wuensche      



Bud's Grandmaster B nicknames from the show
Abdominizer B           (Kelly)
Bassmaster B            (Al)
Bed Wetter B            (Kelly)
Bellringer B            (?)
Buckminster B           (Al)
Burgermeister B         (Peg)
Bushwacker B            (Kelly)
Butt Wagger B           (Kelly)
Court Jester B          (Peg)
Crossdressr B           (Kelly)
Dustbuster B            (Bud's date)
Gas Passer B            (Al)
Ghostbuster B           (Kelly)
Grand Bastard B         (Kelly)
Grand Flasher B         (?)
Grand Marshal B         (Peg)
Grandfather B           (Al)
Grandma B               (Kelly)
Grandmaster Virgin      (Kelly)
Grand Pappy B           (Kelly)
Grasshopper B           (Al)
Grave Digger B          (?)
Grinchmaster B          (TV host)
Mixmaster B             (Bud's Date)
Thumb Sucker B          (Kelly)


Iron Head Haynes' Sacred Nine Commandments
1.It's okay to call hooters "knockers" and sometimes "snack trays."
2.It is wrong to be French.
3.It's okay to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder.
4.Lawyers: see rule three.
5.It is okay to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes.
6.Everyone should car pool but me.
7.Bring back the word "stewardesses"
8.Synchronized Swimming is not a sport.
9.Mudwrstling is a sport.


Psycho Dad
Marrying Man's Right Song
Psycho Mom
Al's Christmas Song
Al's Tax Dance
Al's Gardening Song
At the Nudie Bar
Bundy the No-Man
The Cow Kicked Nellie

	"Psycho Dad"
	   Who's that riding in the sun?
	   Who's the man with the itchy gun?
	   Who's the man who kills for fun?
	   Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Dad.

	   He sleeps with a gun
	   but he loves his son

	   Killed his wife 'cos she weighed a ton.
	   Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Dad.

	   A little touched or so we're told
	   Killed his wife 'cos she had a cold
	   Might as well she was getting old
	   Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Dad.

	   He's quick with a gun
	   And his job ain't done.
	   He's Psycho Dad

	   Who's that riding in the sleigh?
	   Who's that firing along the way?
	   Who's roughing up bums on Christmas day?
	   Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad

	   Who's that riding across the plain?
	   Who's proud 'cos his wife is slain?
	   Who's the man who's plumb insane?
	   Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad

	Marrying Man's Fight Song
	   My wife will never cook or clean
	   Still my money's spent
	   Who knew when I first chose my mate
	   That she would put on that much weight
	   She said she knew for sure
	   'That it could only work with her'
	   Please K-I-L-L, K-I-L-L, me, me, me

	   D is for the many pies I baked you
	   A is for the apple in my eye
	   D is for the dish you ate the pie in
	   D is for de apple in my eye
	   Y because I love you
	   Put them all together, they spelly "daddy"

	   We are the old, we've got arthritis
	   Our gums are weak ( so weak ) from gingivitis

	   We are the old, we've got arthritis
	   We are the ones who wear bifocals and have bursitis

	   There are people younger but we heed another call
	   We really need the money, our accountants took it all
	   We sing to you, those who have money
	   Once we was cool, but now we just dress funny
	   We need your help, so please please dig deep
	   Don't call after 10 'cos we'll be asleep
	   We have medicare and anti-gas pills
	   But without your help, we can't pay our alimony bills

	   We are the old [ they are the old ]
	   We have arthritis [ they have arthritis ]
	   Once we were gods, no golf excites us [ golf excites 'em ]
	   So write a check ( a really big one ) for our december
	   There's another verse, but we can't remember

	Psycho Mom
	   Who's that gal that needs no man
	   Killed him dead with a frying pan
	   Did it 'cos he missed the can
	   She's Psycho Mom

	"Al's Christmas Song"
	   Twas the night before Christmas
	   and all through the house
	   no food was stirring
	   not even a mouse.

	   The stockings were hung
	   'round dad's neck like a tie
	   Along with a note that said
	   'Presents or die.'

	   The children were plotting
	   all night in their beds.
	   While the wife's constant whining
	   was splitting his head.

	   But, daddy had money this year in the bank.
	   Then they closed up early,
	   now dad's in the tank.

	   All of a sudden Santa appeared,
	   with a snear on his face,
	   booze on his beard.
	   "Santa," I said as he laughed merrily,
	   "You do so much for others,
	   do something for me"
	   "Bundy, he said, you only sell shoes,
	   your son is a sneak thief,
	   your daughter a flooze.
	   Ho, Ho," Santa said,
	   "Should I mention your wife?
	   her hair is like an A-bomb,
	   her nails like a knife."

	   He climbs up the chimney,
	   fat piece of dung.
	   He mooned me two times.
	   He stuck out his thumb.
	   He exclaimed, as he broke wind with glee,
	   "You're married with children, you'll never be free."

	"Al's Tax Dance"
	   Oh, we're all broke, cha, cha, cha
	   Everybody broke, cha, cha, cha
	   Living in the gutter, cha, cha, cha
	   Early grave, cha, cha, cha
	   Everybody shoot me!

	"Al's Gardening Song"
	   Old MacBundy had a farm

	   And on this farm there was no wife

	   And no wife here and no kids there
	   With a hooker coming over on Friday night
	   With big luscious of hooters and a pizza and a beer there

	   Old MacBundy had a farm

	"At the Nudie bar"
	   at the nudie bar
	   where you can look at a thigh
	   and blacken an eye
	   at the nudie bar

	   at the nudie bar
	   where they show you their butt
	   and their trap stays shut
	   at the nudie bar

	   at the nudie bar
	   where you can't touch a breast
	   but you can cave in a chest,
	   at the nudie bar

	   at the nudie bar
	   where the girlies dance
	   in their underpants
	   at the nudie bar

	   at the nudie bar
	   Where the music stinks,
	   and they water the drinks.
	   The nudie bar

	   at the nudie bar
	   Where the beer gives you gas
	   But the Bundy's KICK ASS.
	   the nudie bar

	   at the nudie bar
	   Where Christmas is nice
	   And lap dances are half price
	   at the nudie bar

	   at the nudie bar
	   Where you drink down the shooters
	   and unwrap the hooters
	   at the nudie bar

	   at the nudie bar
	   Where egg nog's a plenty
	   and the girls are all 20
	   at the Nudie bar

	Al's " I Care " song
	   When hooters giggle around
	   and I find nickels on the ground
	   I care

	   When the Mustang engine purrs
	   and the bathroom's not hers
	   I care

	   When the pitcher's on the mound
	   and the wife is underground
	   I care.

	   But when I've been playing this for days
	   I'll kill anyone who stays
	   I swear!

	Bundy-the-no-Man < == aka Frosty the Snowman
	   Bundy the no man
	   He's as bald as he could be
	   With hair in his nose
	   And rot on his toes
	   He's as bald as he could be

	   Bundy the no man
	   He's as bald as he could be
	   He's into old age,
	   making minimum wage,
	   he's as bald as he can be

	   Day-o daaay-o
	   morning comes and I'm working no-more
	   morning comes and I'm working no-more
	   I see deadly red tarantula
	   but I sit here with my hands in my pantula
	   Day-o daaay-o
	   morning comes and I"m working no-more

	The Cow Kicked Nellie
	   Oh! The cow kicked Nellie in the belly in the barn
	   The cow kicked Nellie in the belly in the barn
	   The cow kicked Nellie in the belly in the barn -
	   And the farmer said it would do no harm!

	   Second verse,
	   Same as the first;
	   A little bit louder;
	   And a little bit worse!

	   (repeat 1st stanza)




Episode 101: Pilot Episode 102: Thinnergy Episode 103: Sixteen Years And What Do You Get Episode 104: But I Didn't Shoot The Deputy Episode 105: Have You Driven A Ford Lately Episode 106: Whose Room Is It Anyway Episode 107: Al Loses His Cherry Episode 108: Peggy Sue Got Work Episode 109: Married... Without Children Episode 110: The Poker Game Episode 111: Where's The Boss Episode 112: Nightmare On Al's Street Episode 113: Johnny Be Gone Episode 201: Buck Can Do It Episode 202: Poppy's By The Tree (part-1) Episode 203: Poppy's By The Tree (part-2) Episode 204: If I Were A Rich Man Episode 205: For Whom The Bell Tolls Episode 206: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (part-1) Episode 207: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (part-1) Episode 208: Born To Walk Episode 209: Alley Of The Dolls Episode 210: The Razor's Edge Episode 211: How Do You Spell Revenge? Episode 212: Earth Angel Episode 213: You Better Watch Out Episode 214: Guys And Dolls Episode 215: Build A Better Mousetrap Episode 216: Master The Possibilities Episode 218: The Great Escape Episode 219: Im-po-dent Episode 220: Just Married... With Children Episode 221: Father Lode Episode 222: All In The Family Episode 301: A Period Piece Episode 302: He Thought He Could Episode 303: I'm Going To Sweatland Episode 304: Poke High Episode 305: A Dump Of My Own Episode 306: Her Cups Runneth Over Episode 307: The Bald And The Beautiful Episode 308: Requiem For A Dead Barber Episode 309: The Gypsy Cried Episode 310: I'll See You in Court Episode 311: Eatin' Out Episode 312: My Mom, The Mom Episode 313: Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me Episode 314: A Three Job, No Income Family Episode 315: The Harder They Fall Episode 316: The House That Peg Lost Episode 317: Married...With Queen, Pt 1 Episode 318: Married...With Queen, Pt 2 Episode 319 : The Computer Show Episode 320: The Dateless Amigo Episode 321: Life's A Beach Episode 322: Here's Lookin' At You, Kid Episode 401: Hot Off The Grill Episode 402: Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics Episode 403: Buck Saves The Day Episode 404: Tooth And Consequences Episode 405: He Ain't Much, But He's Mine Episode 406: Fair Exchange Episode 407: Desperately Seeking Miss October Episode 408: 976-Shoe Episode 409: Oh What A Feeling Episode 410: At The Zoo Episode 411: Who'll Stop The Rain? Episode 412 & 413: It's A Bundyful Life Episode 414: Rock And Roll Girl Episode 415: A taxing Problem Episode 416: You Gotta Know When To Fold'em, Pt 1 Episode 417: You Gotta Know When To Fold'em, Pt 2 Episode 418: What Goes Around Comes Around Episode 419: Raingirl Episode 420: Peggy Turns 300 Episode 421: Peggy Made A Little Lamb Episode 422: The Agony Of Defeet Episode 423: Yard Sale Episode 501: Al... With Kelly Episode 502: We'll Follow The Sun Episode 503: Sue Casa, His Casa Episode 504: The Unnatural Episode 505: Dance Show Episode 506: Kelly Bounces Back Episode 507: Married With Aliens Episode 508: Wabbit Season Episode 509: Do Ya Think I'm Sexy Episode 510: One Down, Two To Go Episode 511: And Baby Makes Money Episode 512: Married...With Who Episode 513: Look Who's Barking Episode 514: The Godfather Episode 515: A Man's Castle Episode 516: All Night Security Dude Episode 517: Weenie Tots Lovers And Other Strangers Episode 518: Oldies But Young'uns Episode 519: You Better Shop Around (part-1) Episode 520: You Better Shop Around (part-2) Episode 521: Kids! Wadaya Gonna Do? Episode 521.5: Top of the Heap Pilot Episode 522: Route 666 (part-1) Episode 523: Route 666 (part-2) Episode 524: Buck the Stud Episode 601: She's Having My Baby (part-1) Episode 602: She's Having My Baby (part-2) Episode 603: If Al Had A Hammer Episode 604: Cheese, Cues, And Blood Episode 605: Looking For A Desk In All The Wrong Places Episode 606: Buck Has A Belly Ache Episode 607: If I Could See Me Now Episode 608: God's Shoes Episode 609: Kelly Does Hollywood (part-1) Episode 610: Kelly Does Hollywood (part-2) Episode 611: Al Bundy, Shoe Dick Episode 612: So This Is How Sinatra Felt Episode 613: I Who Have Been Nothing Episode 614: The Mystery Of Skull Island Episode 615: Just Shoe It Episode 616: Rites Of Passage Episode 617: The Egg and I Episode 618: Psychic Avengers Episode 619: Dinner With Anthrax Episode 620: Hi I.Q. Episode 621: Teacher Pets Episode 622: The Good-bye Girl Episode 623: The Gas Station Show Episode 624: England Show (part-1) Episode 625: England Show (part-2) Episode 626: England Show (part-3) Episode 701:Magnificent Seven Episode 702: T-r-a...Something, Spells Tramp Episode 703: Every Bundy Has a Birthday Episode 704: Al On The Rocks Episode 705: What I Did For Love Episode 706: Frat Chance Episode 707: The Chicaco Wine Party Episode 708: Kelly Doesn't Live Here Anymore Episode 709: Rock Of Ages Episode 710: Death Of A Shoe Salesman Episode 711: The Old College Try Episode 712: Christmas Episode 713: Wedding Show Episode 714: It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This Episode 715: Heels On Wheels Episode 716: Mr. Empty Pants Episode 717: You Can't Miss Episode 718: Peggy And The Pirates Episode 719: Go For The Old Episode 720: Unalful Entry Episode 721: Movie Show Episode 722: Till Death Do Us Part Episode 723: Tis Time To Smell The Roses Episode 724: The Old Insurance Dodge Episode 725: The Wedding Repercussions Episode 726: The Proposition Episode 801: A Tisket, A Tasket, Can Peggy Make A Basket Episode 802: Hood In The Boyz Episode 803: Proud To Be Your Bud Episode 804: Luck Of The Bundys Episode 805: Banking On Marcie Episode 806: No Chicken, No Check Episode 807: Take My Wife, Please Episode 808: Scared Single Episode 809: No Ma'am Episode 810: Dancing With Weezie Episode 812: Just A Little Off The Top Episode 813: The Worst Noel Episode 814: Honey, I Blew Up Myself Episode 815: Sofa So Good Episode 816: How Green Was My Apple Episode 817: Get Outta Dodge Episode 818: Valentine's Day Massacre Episode 819: Field Of Screams Episode 820: The D'Arcy Files Episode 821 : The Legend of Ironhead Haynes Episode 823: Kelly Knows Something Episode 824 : Assult & Batteries Episode 825 : Ride Scare Episode 826 : Al Goes Deep Episode 901: Shoeway to Heaven Episode 903: Kelly Breaks Out Episode 904(?): The Virgin Hotline Episode 905: Business Sucks, Pt 1 Episode 906: Business Still Sucks (part 2) Episode 907: Dial B for Virgin Episode 908: Sleepless in Chicago Episode 910: Bud Bowl Episode 912: The Naked and the Dead, But Mostly the Naked Episode 913: I Want My Psycho Dad, Pt 1 Episode 914: I Want My Psycho Dad, Second Blood Episode 916: Something Larry This Way Comes Episode 917: Get the Dodge out of Hell Episode 918: 25 Years and What Have You Got Episode 919: Ship Happens (part 1) Episode 920: Ship Happens, Pt 2 Episode 921: And Bingo Was Her Name O Episode 922: The Undergraduate Episode 923: User Friendly Episode 924: Shoeless Al Episode 925 Pump Ficition Episode 926: Radio Free Trumaine Episode 1001 A Shoe Room With A View Episode 1002 Guess Who's Coming To Breakfast, Lunch And Dinner Episode 1004 Reverend Al Episode 1005 How Bleen Was My Kelly Episode 1006 The Weaker Sex Episode 1007 Flight Of The Bumblebee Episode 1008 Blonde And Blonder Episode 1009 Dud Bowl Ii Episode 1011 The Two That Got Away Episode 1000.5 Wrestlepalooza Episode 1013 Love Conquers Al Episode 1014 The Hood, The Bud And The Kelly (part 1) Episode 1015 The Hood, The Bud And The Kelly (part 2) Episode 1016 Calendar Girl Episode 1019 The Agony And The Extra C Episode 1020 Turning Japanese Episode 1021 Bud Hits The Books Episode 1022 Al Goes To The Dogs Episode 1023 Kiss Of The Coffee Woman Episode 1025 Torch Song Duet Episode 1026 The Joke's On Al
Unclassified ------------ Peg: " I cannot steal from my children...they lock their rooms." Al: < about sex> "Why would I care what you're wearing? I'm only watching the clock." Peg: " Al, we're talking about sex. So leave it to those who do it!" Al: " That's no lady. That's my wife!" Episode 101: Pilot ------------------ < Al has a bandage on his hand> Al: " Sweetie, is this your little cactus?" Peg: " Ahaa..." Al: " Any particular reason you put it where my alarm clock used to be?" Marcie: " Isn't that alot of coffee you're putting in there?" Peg: " Yes. That's for them. Our's will be good. You see, if they they enjoy eating and drinking at home too much, they'll never take you anywhere. With men, if you ask them for something you are never gonna get it, but if you do some damage to their internal organs, you've got a shot. And if that doesn't work, what have you lost?" Peg: " Oh, by the way, Bud has show-n-tell at school today. The subject is 'What does daddy do?', so when you come home tonight, if there's a can of beer missing and you can't find the remote control, that's where they are." Peg: " Al, do you have to leave the refridgerator door open? I'm getting a draft." Al: " I'm sorry. Maybe I should look for some food in the dish washer?" < About Marcy & Steve coming over> Al: " I'm gonna hate these people." Peg: " You will not hate them, they are very nice." Al: " If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game." Al: " Anything else I can do for you?" Peg: " You could shave your back." Al: " The hair's there for a reason. It keeps you off of me at night." Lady: " You are very fresh!" Al: " No, Ma'am, that's impossible. Because, for the last hour I've been trying to squeeze your foot into a shoe when I really should have been easing it into the box." < Al wants to go to the basketball game> Al: " I'm going to the game." Peg: " Alright, Al, fine! But before you go I would just like to say three things: the bank book is in both of our names, the credit cards are in both of our names, and the stores are still open!" Al: " Are the kids gone?" Peg: " Yeah, but they'll be back." Al: " Oh, sure, on the surface selling women's shoes is fun. But once you cut through all the hype, the myths, the glamour, it's really very much like any minimum vage paying slow death." Al: " I'm sorry, honey, I didn't hear you. I was just thinking of killing myself." Al: " Sure selling shoes is fun. But behind the glamour, it's like any other minimum wage slow death." Peg: " We've been married 15 years." Marcie: " What's your secret?" Peg: " Oh, no secret really. Just to be considerate. Accept each other for what you are. Don't point out the fact that the hair he's losing on his head is now growing out of his nose... and his ears." Al: " And accepting the fact that nowadays it's harder to figure out where her chest ends and her stomach begins." Al: " You know another thing that makes women such a blessing for us? It's like when you're sitting somewhere and they come over and they say to you: 'What are you thinking?' And you start thinking: 'You know, if I wanted you to know, I'd be talking.' Al: " It's like when they < women > ask you what you're thinking and you want to tell them 'If I wanted you to know, I'd be talking.'" Marcy: " My mother's coming over next week." Steve: " Oh year? She's gonna teach you how to bury me like she buried her three husbands?" Marcy: " Steve, are you implying that their suicides had something to do with mother?" Episode 102: Thinnergy --------------------- Peg: " You know, if a maniac broke into this house right now and shot me dead, Al wouldn't even know." Al: " I'd know!" Al: " Damn it, Steve, we're men. It's our God given right to watch sports and smut. Since when did we have to apologize for that?" Steve: " I think since the 70's." < Al won't have sex with Peg> Marcy: " Peggy, what would you say if I told you I had the answer to all of your problems?" Peg: " I don't know... I bought one of those and it's just not the same." Kelly: " I can't believe it. This is all happening just because mom wants affection?" Bud: " Then why doesn't she just go to the mall like you?" Luke: " Al, let me ask you a question: If you came home at night and found your wife in bed with another guy, would you get mad?" Al: " I'd kill him." Luke: " Oh, so I guess this guy didn't overreact." < Al wants to avoid a diet> Al: " So all I've gotta do is starve and be miserable for a week, then my life will go back to the normal hell it always was?" < Al's watching smut on TV> Al: " Just because I don't go to bed with you doesn't mean I don't love you. Let's face it, even if you were beautiful like the girl on TV, I'd still ignore you." Episode 103: Sixteen Years And What Do You Get ---------------------------------------------- Peg: " Let's see, now, which one is the 16th? I know the 10th is tin, the 15th is crystal. What's the next one?" Al: " Brimstone." < Al won't install a radio in Pegs car> Peg: " What am I supposted to listen to?" Al: " Your own beautiful voice. If God didn't want other peaople to hear it he wouldn't have made it so shrill." Al: " Peg, when you do the laundry you use all the hot water." Peg: " If God had wanted you to have hot water he wouldn't have given me laundry." Peg: " Gee, what is he really wanting?" Bud: " That blonde down the street." Peg: " Did he tell you that?" Bud: " No, I just assumed it by the way he bites his fist whenever he drives by her house." Steve: " So, I guess you guys have a big evening planned, huh?" Peg: " Oh, pretty much. I'll fix dinner. We'll exchange presents. Then he'll watch midget wrestling." Steve: " Oh, what time does it come on?" Marcy: " Steve, we hate wrestling!" Steve: " I know. I just wanted to know how late midgets got to stay up." < Al gets in front of another customer at the jeweller> Guy: " Wait a second! I was here first!" Al: " Yeah, yeah, so were the indians." Al: " There is no more important thing than your anniversary. See, an anniversary is something special. It's not like other holidays when other peolpe are celebrating too. It's just between the two of you. See, it's the day when you can show how you feel the rest of the year but you don't 'cos you're a man." Guy: " That's beautiful." Al: " To know me is to love me." Chef: " Would you like to be a chef?" Bud: " No, I rather be a man." Marcy: " Peggy, what a beautiful dress." Peg: " Oh, thanks. I bought it this afternoon. I didn't really like it but I diden't feel like changing back to what I had on." < Peg unwraps Buds anniversary gift for her> Peg: " Oh, a diary!" Bud: " Yeah, it's Kellys. I heard you said you'd give anything to take a look at it." Marcy: " Here, we've got you two one of our favorite books." Al: < he reads title> " 'My Partner, My Wife, My Life'... My God!" Peg: " Would you like me to make you some soup for your lunch tomorrow?" Al" " No, it's OK. Last time I cut my hand on the can." Episode 104: But I Didn't Shoot The Deputy ------------------------------------------- Al: " Feet and the return of warm weather sure makes for a deadly combination." Marcy: " Someone's been in my home and my bedroom. I feel so helpless." Al: " We'd all feel helpless in your bedroom, Marcy." Al: " Why are you meeting in my house?" Guy: " 'Cause our wives didn't want you in our houses." Peg: " Bud, guns are not toys. They are lethal weapons and should only be handled by responsible adults." Bud: " Oooh, and dad was practicing his quick draws at the TV during Donahue?" Kelly: " Guns, guns, guns. Can anyone talk about me for a change?" Al: " OK, Kelly. Where were you last night?" Kelly: " So, dad, what kind of gun did you buy?" Marcy: " Look, we know Bela < the dog> can be loud and annoying and the whole neighborhood hates his guts, but at least he's a good protector." Bud: " Gee, mom, that's just what you say about dad." < Al has shot the Rhodes' dog> Peg: " You were very brave, Al." Al: " It wasn't anything that anybody else with the heart of a lion wouldn't have done. And you should have seen me, Peg... Yeah, I was a little nervous, but I got him right between the eyes. And I tell you, there's not a lot of space between those eyes." Marcy: " Steve, is he really dead?" Steve: " Yes, dear." Marcy: " How do you know?" Steve: " Well, number one: he didn't respond to any of my commands, and number two: his brains are in the begonias." Marcy: " Alright, forget the money. You know what I want?" Al: " Yes, I do and you're too late, Peg's already got them." Steve: " Borrow a cup of kibble? We ran out and the dog's still hungry." Al: " What's the matter? The neighbor's cat not fill him up." Steve: " That cat was taunting him, Al." Al: " Hopw much do you want for him?" Marcy: " $1000." Al: " $1000? For a dog that just let me shoot it?" Episode 105: Have You Driven A Ford Lately ------------------------------------------- < Al goes outside to meet Kelly's boyfriend> Kelly: " This is so embarrassing. I just know dad's gonna misinterpret the dog collar around Rogers < her boyfriend> neck." < Steve talks car talk> Marcie: " Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?" Steve: " Well, I was a man before I met you." Al: < to Peg> " He was honey. Do you believe it?" < Peg and Marcy are bored> Al: " Do you wanna come out in the garage and use one of the sanders?" Peg: " Not on the car..." Bud: " Kelly, could you please bring me a tissue?" Kelly: " Get one yourself, you little zit!" Bud: < holds up a bra> " Never mind! I've found a whole bunch of them in your bra." Marcie: " Why do guys like cars?" Peg: " Well, maybe we've been too hard on the guys.Cars are in their blood. You see, with men they hear the engine and they think it's their engine. They see the sleek and smooth lines of the car and they think they're sleek and smooth. And then they reach for that stick shift and...well, you know what I mean." Al: " You know, Steve, you're not my kind of guy or anything and I don't wanna hang around with you but you know your cars." Al: " You used to buy a car to have fun. Now you worry about four-doors, mileage, whether or not you'd survive a head-on collision. I mean, who cares?" Steve: " Looking cool 'n' going fast -- that's what cars should be for." Marcy: " I never thought I could have this much hate for an inanimate object." Peg: " You mean Al?" Peg: " Believe me, I've known him < Al> a long time, and when Al's not talking he is not thinking." Episode 106: Whose Room Is It Anyway ------------------------------------ Al: < to Kelly> " I want you to cut down on your entertainment expenditures, you know: records, movies, bleach." Marcy: " We've been nut picking and we've brought you a bag. Got a nut cracker?" Al: " You're looking at her < Peg> ." < Steve and Marcy has got a tax refund> Marcy: " The only thing is, we don't know what to do with the money." Al: " Why don't you have a couple of kids. They'll suck it up like a Hoover... That's a vacuum cleaner, Peg, in case you want to do something different with your afternoons. Steve: " ... we need you to sign a variance to give us permission to build that close to the property line and it seemed like an impossision." Peg: " Don't be rediculous. We're friends. Aren't we, Al?" Al: " Who, you and me? No!" Al: " Why do you give Buck chopped sirloin and I get tuna? Why doesn't he get the tuna?" Peg: " Because tuna makes his breath smell and yours is hereditary." Peg: " Look, Marcy is on my side. She makes the money, she's got the power." Al: " I make the money and I have no power... why is that, Peg?" Al: " How're you doing, Steve? Are you comfortable?" Steve: " Sure, Al." Al: " How could you be without a backbone!" Al: " Oh, sure, our rights are not important? Anything a woman says is fine with us? Gee, when did men become such losers? It used to be so great to be a man. Women were there to please us. They'd look after the kids and we'd go out and have a good time. That's the natural order of things. What happened, Steve? I'll tell you what happened, Steve. Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex, too. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it but it's work for us. Everything's work for us. It's this equallity thing, it's killing us. You know who I blame?" Steve: " The french?" < Al shakes his head 'yes'> Al: " A mans castle is his pants!" Peg: " I wanted a sewing room. You know, some place I could go and drink wine and hide from the kids." Steve: " I think Marcie and I should get a room we both like." Al: " She's already got one: the kitchen." Episode 107: Al Loses His Cherry -------------------------------- Peg: " You're not going anywhere without a good, healthy breakfast." Kelly: " Mother, I'm 15. I'm old enough to know how to use a vending machine." Peg: " What do you do at the mall, anyway?" Kelly: " Nothing." Bud: " You know what they do? Sometimes they look in the shoe store... and laugh at daddy." Kelly: " Well, all the kids do. It's not like they know he's my father." Peg: " Wouldn't it be nice if we could go off together, just the two of us?" Al: " Not really." Peg: " Marcy, this is Al! I mean, where's he gonna go? He might drive around for a while till he has to use the bathroom and eat. And he'll come slinking back, pretending nothing happened. Then we'll go to bed and nothing will happen." Sherry: " One time I went into the cockpit and I actually saw her sitting on the pilots lap helping him fly the plane. She must have been very good because he told the co-pilot to get out." Sherry: < to Al> " You have very strong fore arms. It must be from all that flushing." Sherry: " What does a nice guy look for in a girl?" Al: " You. Really, you're beautiful and you're blonde and you're facing me. You see, I like that in a woman." Sherry: " I'm looking for a serious commitment. Someone who will stay the night." Al: " Well, I'd better get going home." Sherry: " Can I come with you?" Al: " What are my chances that Peg's in a coma?" Episode 108: Peggy Sue Got Work ------------------------------- Peg: < to Marcie> " You're not a house wife. You have your own money. I have to use strategy. When you first get married, you can withhold sex. But then they get to like that." Peg: " Men. God love 'em. They're just children with pay checks." Marcy: " Just a second, Steve, I'm settling an argument here. Al is a cheap, sexist, primitive throwback of a human being." Steve: " So, what's the argument?" Al: " In the history of the Bundy family, no wife has ever worked outside or inside the home." Peg: " You must be tired. Do you want something to eat?" Bud: " No, thanks. I don't have time to cook right now, mom." Al: " Alright, Peg. A few words of advice: as soon as you walk out that door you'll feel a warm sensation on your head and shoulders. Don't panic. That's just our friend, the sun." Peg: " And Al, if you should feel a sudden sharp pain where you sit, that's just your friend, my foot." Peg: " What did he < Al> make you for dinner?" Bud: " Marshmellows." Peg: " Where's the dog?" Bud: " He's out barfing marshmellows. It looks like a winter out there." Marcy: " How was your first day at work?" Peg: " I hate working. That's why I got married." Bud: " Why don't you just break down and go to the supermarket and buy some actual food, you know, like the kind mom used to defrost?" Al: " I hate the supermarket. I always wind up in the 2000 items or less aisle behind some ugly lady in a mumu and curlers. And when everything is totaled up, then they go for the check book. Like it never occured to them that they'd have to pay. And they always turn around and ask me: 'What's the date?' Like it matters to me? All they've gotta do is look at the date on the milk and add one." Al: < to Steve> " If she < Peg> keeps working any longer, we'll all be living in the gutter. Now, actually I won't be living in the gutter, I'll be in prison for killing your wife." Steve: " Gee, Al, I don't like to butt into your business..." Al: " No, go ahead. Pretend you are your wife." Steve: " OK, I think you have to take into consideration what's best for Peggy." Al: " Why would I do that?" Episode 109: Married... Without Children ---------------------------------------- < Bud holds up a bra> Bud: " Hey, Kelly, look! Even Mrs. Rhodes has a bigger bra size than you." Peg: " Kids aren't so bad. I remember one Mothers Day they surprised me with the sweetest... oh, no, that wasn't them. I saw that on TV." Marcy: " Oh, Peggy. You know, it sounds like you need to get away." Peg: " Yeah, I've thought about that. But then Al and the kids would just hunt me down and drag me back." Peg: " Look, Steve and Marcy are here." Al: " Yeah, I know. I've been circling the block waiting for them to leave. But I finally ran out of gas." Steve: " Al, why don't you just go? Relax? Enjoy yourself?" Al: " Steve, look out in the kitchen there. Do you see that redhead? Try to picture her in heat." Steve: " ... and thanks for selling me out, too." Al: " No problem!" Peg: " Now, Marcy, here's the list of do's and don'ts. And a very special don't: no partys! Especially Kelly, it's a promise we've made the police." Al: " I can't believe the traffic. Why does everybody always stop and watch somebody change a tire. When I wait in traffic that long at least they could show me some mangled bodies." Marcy: " Did it ever occured to you that you're setting the tone for the entire day? If you're negative, they'll be negative." Steve: " If I leave, will they leave?" Peg: " I'd never thought I'd say this this soon, but I miss the kids." Al: " What kids?" Peg: " Ours. A boy and a girl, remember?" Marcy: " Sean, where are you planning to attend college?" Sean: " Oh, well, I was hoping to get a government job, you know, so that I could sell secrets." Marcie: " We're sorry." Steve: " We're sorry. You bet we're sorry. We're sorry we ever moved in next door to the devil's spawning ground." Episode 110: The Poker Game --------------------------- Steve: " Marcy needs the car tonight for her women's group meeting." Al: " What do they do? Pile in and look for men to run over." Peg: " Give Al five dollars and you've just cashed in his pay check." Al: " 25, yeah, that's a great age. Just before their butts start to sag and they start wearing Reebok's." Al: " If you want a perfect woman, you gotta build her in your head. You know, it gives you something to do when you're making love to your wife." Steve: " I don't gamble." Al: " Steve, we're married men, we all gamble." Steve: " What am I gonna tell Marcy?" Al: " Steve, you're a man, lie like a dog." Al: " Here's what I'd do: I walk in the door, before Peg can say a word, which means I've gotta be quick, I tell her how great she looks. Then, if it's really rough, I grid my teeth and throw her a quick one. She's so grateful she forgets what she's gonna ask me and even if she says something later on, I'm asleep." Lady: " I want something to go with this < ugly> dress." Al: " A bubling cauldron?" Lady: " You've got a lot of nerve." Al: " I need it to get this close to your feet." Al: " Hey, did Marcy ever bring up the budget again?" Steve: " Yes, Al, she did. And every time she did I told her how beautiful she looked... and showed her. I showed her till eight o'clock this morning, Al. She's out cold and I don't remember how I got here." Al: " Then it worked?" Steve: " Yeah, but I'm afraid that it'll never work again, Al. I don't know how to ask you this, but I've gotta ask you for a big favour..." Al: " Woah, Steve, I can't! She's your wife. I don't like touching mine." Al: " That's what being a man is all about, Steve: making mistakes and not caring." Steve: " Peg, listen very carefully to me: I lost my pay check to Al in the poker game. He won't give it back. Marcy's gonna kill me... if she hasn't already." Al: " 25, the perfect age. Just before their butts start to sag and they start wearing Reebok's." < Peg has a fishing catalog> Marcie: " What are you doing?" Peg: " Al was admiring this fishing rod this morning so when he comes in broke from poker, I like to leave it out just to remond him of yet another thing he'll never get." Episode 111: Where's The Boss ----------------------------- Al: " I heard some bad news on the radio." Peg: " You don't use it, you loose it?" Al: " What do I care. You've already got it" Al: " The guy that owns the store, Gary, disappeared going to Hawaii...who's gonna sign my checks?" Peg: " What's there to sign? They just hand you a roll of nickels." Peg: " Did you ever think of sending me flowers?" Al: " You're still alive." Marcie: " The family sent all the flowers to his favorite charities." Peg: " I hope they sent some to the Home for the Poor and Stupid." Al: " I told you we're not living with your mother." Al: < to fat lady> " Wherever a fat woman shoves a smelly foot in a poor guy's face, I'll be there. Wherever a guy tries to return a pair of shoes he's worn for three months, I'll be there. Wherever kids come in with old shoes and try to sneak out with new ones, I'll be there, too . Madam, if Shamu ever needs a mate, you'll be there." Gary: " The next woman I bed will be dedicated to you." Al: " Could you make it a blonde?" Gary: " They do make life worth living, don't they?" Al: < looking at Peg> "I wouldn't know." Bud: " Mom, you're cooking!" Peg: " It's not everyday Kelly gets promoted to the next grade." Al: " How am I gonna pay my bills?" Bud: " Well, if Kelly ever graduates, were gonna have a heck of a lawsuit against the Board of Education." Peg: " Gee, isn't that great news, Al? You spent $300 on flowers for a millionaire while you're family could starve and your wife could go naked." Al: " Believe me Peg, I'd kill before I'd let you go naked...And no jury would convict me, either." Al: " Not only is Gary not dead, he doesn't even know I'm alive." Peg: " You know, honey. Sometimes at night, I'm nnut sure either. But then you burp." Al: " I work for a guy who wouldn't spit on me if he saw me." Steve: " Come on, Al. Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure he'd spit on you if he saw you." Kelly: < to Peg> " It's what you always tell me: if a man doesn't work he's no use at all." Al: Episode 112: Nightmare On Al's Street ------------------------------------- < Marcie has another dream about Al> Marcie: " This is where you're supposed to tell me how Al is quick in the sack and we both laugh." Peg: " Marcie, that's 2 nights in a row. Al hasn't been quick in the sack with me for 2 nights in a row in years." Marcie: " Hey, do you think I'm enjoying this. I was throwing up all night." Peg: " Well, so did I at first, but it passes." Al: " What should I do? Stop wearing T-shirts? Stop oozing sex from every pore?" Peg: " That's not sex." Al: " Why can't you have dreams like me. You know, where you're Maharaja Bundy. You know. And women with 4 hooters feed me Ding Dongs all day." Marcie: " Is Steve in there?" Al: " No, there are no other men in my dream. Just Phil Donohue and we feed him to the lizard people." Peg: " Al, Marcie's here." Al: " Nice try, Peg. I'm still hungry." Marcie: " Steve firmly believes that the penny is a thing of the past." Al: " I'm sure the feeling is mutual." < Con artists are in the neighborhood> Al: " Of course they're leaving the neighborhood. These guys are crooks. First, you believe these guys just happen to be in the neighborhood. And, second, we have to believe, that these guys see Marcie and want to come back. Is there something so stupid a woman won't fall for it?" Peg: " I fell for you, sweetie." Marcie: " How could you marry such a chauvanistic, sexist man? Peg: " A dare." Al: " Look, I'm not sexist. I'm just saying women don't know nothing." < Marcie gets sick when Steve brings up sex> Steve: " Alright. That's it. Look, I've asked more than a few women to goto bed with me in my time. While I admit some of their responses may have been somewhat cruel, not very many of them jumped up and stuck their heads in the toilet." Steve: " Don't toy with me, Marcie. I'm horny and I've been to Buffalo." Episode 113: Johnny Be Gone --------------------------- < Marcie comes in wearing a towel> Al: " Hey, Marcie, what's holdind the towel up?" < Marcie & Steve come in> Peg: " Make yourself at home, watch TV and don't pet the dog. He might expect it from us." Al: " I never wanted to get married, I got married. Never wanted kids, I have 2 of them. Why the hell am I here?" < Al reads assembly instructions first in in Japanese...> Al: " It sounds like a history of WW 2." < in French> Al: " More people we should have killed." < Al builds Bud's model car> Kelly: " There he is fixing the male child's problem while I take the back seat." Bud: " You should be used to that." Peg: " I'll call Spike and have him trade our number with my friend Easy Eddy, you know, the one that turned you < Al> down in high school." < Marcie holds up dress Steve brought in> Steve: " I was in a hurry so I grabbed the first thing I saw." Al: " I did that. That's how I ended up with Peg." < Marcie comes down in shrunked dress> Peg: < to Marcie> "Just go in there and show 'em what you've got." Al: " That's how Peg got me." Marcie: " It sounds like you've got alot of memories there < Johnny B. Goode's> ." Peg: " More than anywhere else. After all, that's where I met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with...and I met Al there, too." Episode 201: Buck Can Do It --------------------------- Peg: " I want you to do something for me that you've been promising for a long time." Al: " What's that you say, Peg? I'm sorry. It's just this darn headache." Peg: " Not that. I meant something that requires movement on your part. I want you to fix the back fence." Al: " Wait a minute. Why should I fix it? It wasn't me who said 'Let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against a fence.' It wasn't meant to support a 200 pound woman with a keg under each arm." Peg: " The kids are getting old enough to realize it's not your part time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. Now you won't even fix the fence. What kind of example is that for them?" Al: " If we are an example to the kids, Bud will get a job that will slowly kill him and Kelly, she'll grow up to believe that a 2 income family is a house with 2 husbands." Peg: " I'm talking about the fence. Remember you said Buck couldn't find his way out. Well, he found his way out and he's knocked up every dog in the neighborhood." Al: " That's rediculous, Peg. He's a lifeless lump." Peg: " We had two kids." Al: " Then my work is done...How can that be? He tips over when he lifts his leg." Guy: " Keep your daughter away from my son." Al: " She was probably just borrowing a dress." Al: " Steve, we were put on this earth to roam, to conquer, to rule. Then we got married and it was all over for us." < Buck's getting fixed> Peg: " Marcie suggested a vet that's close to us &, guess what, it's a woman." Al: " What's she do? Nag them 'til they fall off." Steve: " All you have to do is take a pill." Marcie: " The pill could be dangerous." Steve: " So could I if you try to rewire my plumbing." Al: " Isn't this great. Buck's keeping his and Steve's losing his." Episode 202: Poppy's By The Tree (part-1) ----------------------------------------- Al: " We're poor so we're going to Dump Water. But remember that it's a day off of work for me, a day off of school for you kids, and, Peg, every day is a vacation for you, so why am I talking to you." Kelly: " Where are we going to sleep?" Guy: " She must have been really scared for her hair to turn white at such a young age." < Bud & Kelly's room was twin beds> Al: " I asked for the twin beds." Guy: " Remember our motto:'If we don't got it, you shoulda brought it.'" < He asks for a tip> Al: " Remember our motto:'We ain't got it.'" Lady: " You look like a nice couple < Al & Peg> ." Al: " You, too." Lady: " Anything else I can do for you?" Peg: " Al, maybe she can bend down again & pick up your tongue." Al: " Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy." Kelly: " Is there any real food here or do I have to stand under a bug light with my mouth open?" Bud: " Even bumpikins have feelings." Guy: " What would you like?" Kelly: " A bus ticket and a real family but I'd settle for a couple of burgers." Peg: " Comfortable, Al?" Al: " Does it matter?" Peg: " No, not really." Al: " It's supposed to be my vacation." Peg: " Get to work, Al." Episode 203: Poppy's By The Tree (part-2) ----------------------------------------- Peg: " I love you, Al" Al: " Who cares? We're gonna die." < locals find Al asleep with his hands & a fork in his pants> Guy: " Be careful, the one with the powerful feet has a fork in his pants." Al: " 'Why didn't we got to Hawaii? Why did we come here? Why did we have to take the car?' Standing here with my loving family, I wonder why I'm running from the axe." Al: " Delbert's the killer. I know it, you know it, and, if Darwin's right, they'll < townspeople > will know it in a million years." Al: " I'm going back to Chicago; where I only die a little every day." Peg: " ...and the thing you move across the rug that goes 'vroom?'" Murderer: " A vacuum?" Peg: " I feel naked without one." Murderer: " Then you'll defenitely have one." Kelly: < to Bud> "Will you stop it?" Bud: " That's the first time you've ever said those words, Kel." Peg: " Maybe this is just one of those mystery vacations." Bud: " It's no mystery. Dad was just too cheap to take us somewhere nice so we're gonna get butchered." Al: " Envy me. That's my wife. Those are my kids and I sell womens' shoes. I was dead before I got here." < Al opens door on lady dressing> Al: " Ma'am, sorry to bother you while you're dressing but have you seen a tall red haired woman...I forget her name right now but the kids call her 'mom.'" Episode 204: If I Were A Rich Man --------------------------------- < Al's all alone at home> Al: " Ahh, it feels like I'm in...< Peg walks in> ...hell." Peg: " How was your day, honey?" Al: " It was fine up until now." Kelly: " Billy's dad...just got a Porsche." Bud: " That's the thrid one on the block: Porsche, Porsche, Dodge, Porsche." Al: " We also have wage earners, wage earners...< he looks at family> ...leetches, wage earners." Al: " Did I tell you kids I love you today?" Bud: " No, dad." Al: " Think about that on the way upstairs." Steve: " Al, you know cars. Should I get the Volvo, the Baby Benz, or the BMW?" Al: " The BMW is a fine car but, if you drive into a brick wall, the Mercedes has air bags so...get the BMW." Al: " Everybody is making money." Peg: " No they aren''re not." < Steve thinks of jail> Steve: " Al, if I'm going to be playing in the shower with maniacs, you're going to be passing the soap." Steve: " As soon as we're behind bars, Al, I'm gonna kill you. If I can't do it myself, I'm gonna make sure my boyfriend's bigger than yours." < Door bell rings> Steve: " There's the long arm of the law." < Marcie comes in> Al: " No, it's the frog legs of your wife." Steve: " Guess what I got under my arm." Al: " Nair burn." Radio Announcer: " And in local news, tragedy was averted when a sobbing woman and her 2 kids were talked off the roof of the Sears Tower in what was thought to be Chicago's first family suicide attempt in history. The woman was reported as saying,'Shoes. He sells shoes.'" Episode 205: For Whom The Bell Tolls ------------------------------------ Al: " I hate that light. It makes everything look yellow. The neighborhood's ugly enough in the day. I don't want to look at it at night." < Peg's on the phone> Al: " Who are you talking to, Peg?...It must be your mother. Tell he I said 'oink.'" Al: " The phone bill came. Let's see...There's some big fat calls to Milwaukee. Peg, do you know anyone big and fat in Milwaukee?" Peg: < on Phone> " Hold on, mom." Al: " That's right. Your mother." Al: " Peg, why don't you be a game show host. Someone asks for $10000. You shrug your shoulders and then I come out and pay them. We can call it 'That Idiot Al.'" < Kelly want to leave> Kelly: " Bye mom. I'm off to live in the streets if you need me." Peg: " OK, but I don't think I'll need you." Kelly: " I'm not moving back 'til we get a phone or I get married." Peg: " We want a phone, Al." Al: " I want a life. Good luck to us all." Al: " Who called 'Dial-A-Prayer?'" Bud: " I did but don't pay. Kelly's still here." Al: " Who called Vancouver? Peg, did your mother get so fat she spread across the border?" Al: " I'm not paying for mistakes. I've been doing that since I got married." Peg: " There's one thing that's still free. Why don't you dust off Mr. VanWinkle and bring him over for a visit. Sex, Al." Al: " Great, the one thing I would pay for." Al: " I can't sleep, what should we do?" Peg: " Since we aren't using the phone, we could wrap the cord around your neck and tighten slowly until the sandman comes." Bud: " Dad, is there anything we could do to make you change your mind, like saying 'I love You,' or would you see right through that?" Episode 206: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (part-1) ----------------------------------------------- Fat lady: " It's because of guys like that that I don't wear shorts anymore." Al: " You sure it wasn't because of the guys with the harpoons?" Peg: " Why don't you bring me flowers?" Al: " We had sex." Peg: " Something I'd enjoy would be nice." Fat Lady: " He is undressing me with his eyes." Steve: " Ma'am, that would take years." Peg: " You were staring at her < awesome babe > too?" Al: " Yea." Peg: " She have nice legs?" Al: " Yea." Peg: " She have nice breasts?" Al: " Yea." Peg: " Do you wanna go upstairs?" Al: " Yea....Wait! with you?" < Peg takes can of beer & baking soda out of fridge> Peg: " Well, emptied the fridge...I'm glad you took Marcie's advice and hired a woman to fix the refrigerator." Al: " I wish I could hire someone to fill it." Marcie: " Steve, you're just like Al. No, you're worse than Al. He's a neanderthal sexist but he doesn't try to hide it." Al: " Hide it? I'd get a t-shirt that says it." Marcie: " Peg, do you know what's going on under your roof?" Peg: " We're roting our lives away. But the kids seem to like it." Marcie: " Steve and I were supposed to goto a fundraiser for my womens' group." Al: " Steve, was it formal? You know, 300 pound women with crew cuts wearing flannel." < Al & Steve look at fat guy fixing fridge> Al: " Look at it, Steve. It's like 2 rhinos gently playing under a tent." Al: " If you want something fixed right, get an ugly guy to do it." Al: " Look, Steve. It's good for women to be gone when they're mad at you...It's good for women to be gone." < Al's talking about married women looking around> Al: " You don't go fishing for minnows when you have Moby Dick at home." Bud: " Grandma makes me dance with her." Al: " Do what I do: ride on her feet." Bud: " Get Kelly to go. She's used to dancing with smelly old people for money." Al: " Many a time I look at my wife sitting there much like you < Steve> and I think "Go Home." Then the horror hits me, she is home. Now I'm depressed, Steve." Steve: " Don't you want your daughter to be appreciated for more than her physical beauty?" Al: " Let me see how I'm going to answer this. Pumpkin, come down here. Now, sweetheart, tell Uncle Steve what career your guidance counselor said you'd be best suited for." Kelly: " Lumber camp toy or the other woman." < Al pays repair man> Al: " $80 to fix a big hulking thing that doesn't work and $20 to marry one." < Al's frig is broken> Al: " 16 years ago, Peg's father came to me and said,' Here, take it. From me to you. It's yours. It's hardly been used.' I should've known something was up. Come to think of it, he sold me that refigerator, too." Steve: " Where do you think the girls went, Al?" Al: " To a nice place, away." Episode 207: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (part-1) ----------------------------------------------- < Al & Peg had sex previous night> Kelly: " Was there an earthquake last night. The walls were shaking and I heard dad scream?" Peg: " Well, he scares easily." Bud: " I slept through it. It must have been a short one." Peg: " Several short ones." Zorro: " I'm an exotic dancer at Troy's." Al: " I'd invite you in but instead I think I'll just beat the crap out of you." Al: < to Zorro> " Oh, and if my wife should ever lose anything down your pants, so will you." Al: " Women like us to look at them like slabs of beef. Do you think that they wear tights so women can say to them 'Gee, your thighs look succulent?" Some do but they become gym teachers, I mean women." Al: < to Steve> " Just when you've broken here, just when you've striped away the last ounce of her pride, just when she's bending down to kiss your feet, tell her you got the ring from Al Bundy." Al: " Last month when you came back from "swapping recipes" < Troy's> , you were, let's say, 'horny as a toad' and I gave you some money to fix the breaks on my car, do I have any breaks, Peg?" Peg: " No, Al." Al: " And when the kids needed money for a school project, we don't really sponsor a Korean family." Peg: " No, Al." Al: " And when Kelly needed contacts. So the big frost didn't really drive up the price of Tang. Are the kids really at your mother's or have they been sold to some Arabs?" < Peg & Marcie are at Troy's> Marcie: " We got to get backstage." Peg: " We have to get something out of Zorro's pants." Guy: " That old story again, Mrs. Bundy." Marcie: " This is an emergency." Guy: " Yea, right. Listen lady. We used to let women backstage until the big riot. We call it the Bundy rule." Marice: " It's my wedding ring. I want it back or I'll see you in court." Guy: " I don't think so. You see...< guy reads from sign> ...'Troy's is not reponsible for valuables lost in any part of a dancer.' Once again, the Bundy rule." Marcie: " Steven notices everyting. Do you know what we do in bed? Peg: " Yea, Bud tells us." Marcie: " Oh, well. Anyway, Steve and I lie in bed, put our ring fingers together, stare at our wedding rings and kiss." Peg: " So Bud made that up about Little Bo Peep and the Cop?" Peg: " You ready for grandma's kids? You got you room deodorizers?" Kids: " Yes, mom." Peg: " Toilet seat covers?" Kids: " Yes, mom." Peg: " Flea and tick spray?" Kids: " Yes, mom." Peg: " Well, then, you're ready...< car horn sounds> ...There's your taxi." Bud: " Please, mom, don't do this." Peg: " Bud, honey, be strong. I'll see you in a couple of days." Kelly: " We love you mom...but not today." Peg: " Oh, and remember, when you say 'hello,' grandpa is the one with hair." Marcie: " Any sign of Zorro?" Peg: " No, but I think I slpet with Speedy Gonzalez last night." Steve: " I feel so guilty. Everytime I look at Marcie's face all I can see is that girl's heiny. It's wrong, Al, and I feel unworthy of someone like Marcie." Al: " She's a special person. Oh, By the way, here's her wedding ring she lost down sone guy's jock at a strip club last night." Episode 208: Born To Walk ------------------------- Kelly: " Where's daddy?" Peg: " He's getting his hair cut." Kelly: " He doesn't need a hair cut." Peg: " I know. It's where he and his friends get together & talk about what they could've been, so it shouldn't be long." Al: " Peg, sell the house." Peg: " Why, did you find a shirt you want to buy?" Al: " Yea, it said 'Congratulate me. The Wife's dead.'" Al: " You're such a help, Peg. That's like the old saying,'Behind every empty shell of a man stands one of your relatives.'" < Al tells Peg a story> Peg: " Al, does this story have a point or does it go on endlessly like our marriage?" Kelly: " Well, I know why you don't want me to drive. It's not the insurance. Your little girl's growing up and you just can't bear to let her go, huh?" Al: " Nah, it's the insurance." < Peg writes out here schedule> Peg: " Saturday 11 PM make love, 11:05 PM Al goes to sleep, 11:06 PM finish making love." Kelly: " Dad got a ticket for a broken tail light. Then he got another one 'cos his license expired last month." Peg: " That means it was your birthday last month. Happy birthday, honey." < Bud quizzes Kelly> Bud: " OK, Kel. An old man pulls up beside you on the street and offers you a dollar. Do you: A: ignore him and keep walking B: call the police C: do what you usually do" Bud: " Being without a license, dad, does it make you feel any less of a man?" Al: " No, son, that's your mother's job." Steve: " How come you aren't at the track?" Al: " For the same reason I'm not out with a sleazy blonde, I'm married with children." Steve: " Peg, you've got the greatest husband in the world." Peg: " Why, what happened to Al?" Episode 209: Alley Of The Dolls ------------------------------- < the Rhoade's are at the door> Al: < opens door> "There goes my day!" Peg: " All you have to do is bowl and be a Bundy." Steve: " Fat chance, only if I swing from a vine and marry Cheetah." Al: " We'll Bundy you up." Steve: " I don't want you to Bundy me up. What if I don't come back?" Bud: " You're dirt, Kel." Kelly: " Yes, but everybody knows it." Steve: " Bud, are your folks in. I want to ask them if I could be an adopted Bundy. That would explain my hygeine, grammar, and my ability to walk upright." Guy: " Who is this < Steve> ?" Peg: " That's cousin Steve." Guy: " He's not a Bundy. I smell a ringer." < Steve burps> Guy: " My mistake. He's a Bundy." Al: " Strike!!" Peg: " Can you do it again?" Al: " That's all I ever hear from you." Episode 210: The Razor's Edge ---------------------------- Bud: " When I get married, no wife of mine is going to tell me what to do." Kelly: " She's just going to go 'baaaa.'" Bud: " Oh, yeah. Everyone make fun of me 'cos I'm the only virgin in the house." < Al & Peg look at Kelly> Kelly: < looking sheepishly> " That's not true." Bud: " Naaaa." Marcie: " Peg, what would you do if Al didn't come home for 5 days?" Peg: " Cash in his insurance policy, give the kids to my mother and travel." < Al comes in and bucket falls on his head> Peg: " Al, did you have to come home?" Al: " Well, the summer house was closed up. The yacht was in dry dock. So I figured, what the hell, I'll goto the ghetto home." Marcie: " We're waiting for Steve." Al: " So the bucket of death wasn't meant for me." < Marcie won't touch Steve while he has his beard> Al: " A beard, eh..." Peg: " It won't work, Al. I don't look at your face anyway." Steve: " If you're going to watch TV remember I go to bed at 10:30. Al: " 10:30? But that's when Peg goes to bed. I'll have to go up with her." Steve: " I hate to punish Peggy but I need my sleep." Marcie: " I'm not going to go against my principles for an hour and a half of pleasure." Peg: " An hour and a half. If you add up all the sex that Al and I have ever had, it doesn't add up to an hour and a half... of pleasure, anyway." Al: " Nature played a cruel trick on us." Steve: " They did move us next door to each other." Al: " Well, two. But I'm talking about the one that keeps us men from ruling the Earth. Men have an urge but women have the answer. That's not much but it's all they need." Al: " They < women> have the same urges. We < men> can do the job and they can't take a battery home to meet the parents." Peg: " When you pick him < Steve> up for the Banker's Ball, wear the sleasiest outfit you can find. I'll loan you something." Marcie: " Our marriage isn't based on that." Peg: " Then what does it mean when you're screaming 'Oh God, Oh God, Oh God' yet you never go to church." Peg: " Nature played a cruel trick on men. They gave them a source of pleasure but, in order for it to work, the blood has to leave the brain. It leaves them confused, disoriented. It wants to enter into negotiations. The brain needs the blood back. It needs it to go to work to pay for all those things agreed to a moment before. We may not have upper body strength but we do have sexual kryptonite." < Steve's horny> Al: " I have a gift for you. A special gift. I didn't want to do this until it was absolutely necessary. Sit down. Clear your mind and think of Marcie." < Al shows mother-in-law's picture to Steve> Al: " Here's a picture of my mother-in-law." Steve: " Aaaaaaah." Al: " Everybody says that. That's her bending over at the beach. Summer 1971. Notice the perspiration percolating in the folds of her stomach. You may wonder why her upper arms are blurry. There was a breeze, we caught them in mid-flap." Steve: " I came over to apologize for all the noise you may have heard list night." Peg: " Don't worry. We didn't hear a word. Especially when Marcie said 'I don't care how lonely Mr. Mike is.'" Al: " Peg, you know those little brown potatoes that Steve makes. Can you do that?" Peg: " Al, you know about making love for an hour and a half like Steve does? Can you do that?" Episode 211: How Do You Spell Revenge? -------------------------------------- NOTE: The 'N' in Al's uniform is backwards. Al: " Listen, this is not about sex, is it? Because I don't know anything about it." Kelly: " I know. Mom told me." Al: " It's only a game if you win but if you lose it's a stinking waste of time." Al: " If God had wanted women to play ball, he would've made them men." Al: " Your mom could lose a grounder in the sun." Al: " I might not be around forever." Kelly: " That's what mom says." Al: " Your mom's the reason I might not be around." Al: " Guys may come and guys may go, but daddy's always daddy... well, at least until he jumps a freight train." Al: < to Kelly's boyfriend > "Drink all my juice did you?" Bud: " You know that juice gives him the energy he needs to fight infection < as he looks at Kelly > " Al: " Society somehow separated the sexes. It made some people women. I don't know why. I'd rather be dead. It made women weaker. They're meant to do things for men. Men aren't made to do things for women...until they're married and the law makes them." Al: " Where's the tattoo parlor?" Bud: " Next to the club that says 'Girls, Girls, Girls.' You go..." Al: " I know where it is." Kelly: " I love everything about him: his hair, his breath..." Peg: " There goes the myth that a girl wants a guy like her mother has." Al: " How about a guy like her mother's know, the chronically unemployed." Peg: " You look familiar. Do I know you?" Brian: " I'm not sure. I work at the market." Al: " Then she definitely doesn't know you." < New Market Mallers lost in softball to nuns> Peg: " You told the sister,'Bless this, sister.'" Al: " I may not know all the religious gestures but I recognized the one she gave me." < Al goes after Brian's dad & sees the mom> Al: " She came out of the kitchen. Her face was in a jello mold. Her mumu was split so she could fit into it. Peg, she had no knees. So I let him live. I thought it was the worst I could do to him." Episode 212: Earth Angel ------------------------ < Babe comes in> Al: < to Bud> "This isn't a present for you. It's for Daddy." Al: < to Tiffany> "There are so many things we want to know. Where are you from? What are your plans? And when did you stop wearing a bra?" Al: " Tiffany, can I get you anything: food, water,..." Peg: " An old man drooling on you." Steve: " When it's all said and done, the 1 true erogenous zone is right here < the head> ." Al: " Not many guys go around pinching women's heads." Marcie: " Steve won't touch me." Peg: " Do what we girls do. Go shopping, get some bon-bons and re-adjust the shower heads." Peg: < to Al> " We've learned so much. Like you won't die if we do it more than once a month." Al: " I have news that'll mke your life easier." Peg: " You got a night job?" Al: " I've already got one of those. It's called 'Getting in Bed with You.'" Peg: " Well, then. You've been missing work." < Peg sets the table> Al: " Are we having dinner or are you jsut testing me and the kids?" < Al's in basement & Peg's friends walk in> Al: " There's plaster falling on my head." Peg: " They say the sun's going to supernova tomorrow and that we should have sex before it happens." Al: " I don't have time. I have to go looting." Peg: " Unlike you, the sun will be up in the morning." Peg: " We must put an end to global warming. We must buckle up for safety. But when it comes to Peggy Bundy getting it on a regular basis, we must go with the flow." Episode 213: You Better Watch Out --------------------------------- Kelly: " Dad, why don't we get Bud one of these scratching posts to rub against? You know, it'll save the furniture." Bud: " You really wanna save the furniture Kel? Why don't you stop putting notches on your bed posts?" Al: " Now Bud, apologize to your sister." Bud: " No." Al: " Okay." Al: " Family, before you go shopping, would you bring old daddys shotgun and stand close together?" Al: " Oh come on, that's not what Christmas is about. Christmas is about family and giving. Okay, here is all the crap my family gave us last year. It's time for the traditional re-wrapping of this garbage for your family." Al: " That's about it for Christmas this year." Kelly: " Aren't you forgetting something greatest daddy in the world?" Bud: " Coolest dad in the universe." Peg: " You, who makes my life worth living?" Al: " You all want your presents, don't you?" Peg: " No, we really love you." Delivery Boy: " Hi, do the Rhoades live here?" Peg: " Why?" Delivery Boy: " I have a delivery for them." Peg: " Oh yes, I'm Mrs. Rhoades. Oh thank you... < Delivery Boy wants a tip> ... Oh gee, I don't have any change. Bud could you take care of that please?... < Bud slams the door in delivery boys face> ... Thank you dear. Look kids what we got from ... the Schmidts from Philadelphia... < Al comes in> ... Look honey what we've got from the Schmidts." Al: " Ahh, they're good people." < Al comes home without presents> Al: " Well you know, even when we didn't have too much, we could always look at the poor people, that were less fortune than us and feel better. Well, let's find a mirror." Peg: " Al, Christmas without presents will be like our birthdays." Al: " Happy Birthday, hon." < the Rhoades come in> Marcy: " Delivery from Santa for the Bundys." Peg: " Oh gee, well thank you. Good thing they're labeled, wouldn't wanna get them mixed up with the presents Al gave us." Marcy: " What did Peggy get you Al?" Al: " Her regularity ... and these two < points at kids> ." < Santa has crash-landed in the Bundys backyard> Coroner: " Did you know the deceased?" Peg: " You know, I've read about him in books. But in books he is usually going up." Coroner: " So that's a `No`. Did anyone actually see him fall?" Bud: " I wish." < Buck plays with a red shoe> Steve: " Is that your shoe Al?" Al: " Nope." Marcy: " Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,..." Coroner: " You know Mr. Bundy, that's evidence. Ah what the hell, it's Christmas, let him keep it." Marcy: " Santa is gone. I'll never be able to enjoy Christmas again." Kelly: " Well, you're in the right place." Peg: " Oh come one Marcy, these things happen. Cheer up, it could have been worse, he could have landed on the picket fence." Coroner: " Hey, this bag of Santa is getting pretty heavy over here." Peg: " Oh, put him over by the presents. There's plenty of space there." < A bunch of kids is waiting outside to see Santa> Al: " I`m rolling him (Santa) out right now." Peg: " Al, they're children." Al: " Well, this will grow 'em up." Coroner: " You know, Pizza, that always reminds me of my first day on the job." < Girl jumps on Al's (disguised as Santa) lap> Al: " Ahhhhhh, don't jump on Santas lap too hard little girl. Mrs. Claus won't like that." Al: " All dead guys and non-relatives out." Bud: " So long Kel." Kelly: " Yeah, as if they really intended to have you." Peg: " Now kids, we wanted both of you. It was your father I didn't plan on." < door bell rings> Al: " Oh great, probably an elf with a knife in his back." Mallman: " I'm from the Lakeside Mall and I just wanted to offer our apologies for any inconvenience this may have caused you." Al: " Hey, no problem, no inconvenience. You just took all my business, cost me my bonus, made my family hate me, ..." Peg: " That's right." Al: " ... and on top of all that, you slam-dunk Santa into my backyard." Coroner: " You know Bundy, you're a decent guy. So here is a little hint from me to you: Don't die with your jewelery on." < Something falls in the backyard again> Kelly: " What's that?" Al: " I don't know. But if it is dead and has a red nose,we throw it in Steve and Marcy's yard." Bud: " Can we go to the new mall?" Al: " That mall is killing your father." Kelly: " I thought mom is." < Coroner tries to take dead Santa out of house & kids are there> Coroner: " Oh-oh" Al: " What's the matter now? The Easter Bunny hang himself in the front yard" < Al's playing Santa> Al: " What do you want?" Kid: " A horse" Al: " Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the neighborhood except those nice Bundy's...I'll get you a horse and if it isn't there in the morning, it's becasue your mom hunted it down and killed it." Episode 214: Guys And Dolls --------------------------- < Kelly's deep in thought> Bud: " What's the matter, Kel? The contractions 5 minutes apart?" Bud: < to Kelly> "When's mom and dad gonna realize you're stupid and leave you alone." Peg: " We saw your book report entitled: 'Brazil: the Land of rubber and sunshine.' Why is there a picture of your sister in a bikini." Bud: " It illustrates the easy sex in Brazil? How did I do?" Peg: " Like your father in life, you failed." Kelly: " I've got this book report due and I haven't even read the book. It's called Robin Carusoe." Bud: " I've read that. I can help you for a small fee of course... OK, Robinson Carusoe was marooned on a desret island. The only people there were him, Friday...the professor, Mary Ann, Ginger, and the rest..." Kelly: " Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Slow down...< she's writing> ... 'the professor." Bud: " Right, now in the first chapter they had to get around the island so Gilligan, I mean, ah, Robinson and the professor built a car that ran on cocnuts." Kelly: " Cool." Bud: " You know, Robinson always sang this little song around the island. You may want to do it in front of the class. It shows you read carefully." < Bud sings the theme to Gilligan's Island> Peg: " He < Bud> needs a hobby. Somthing you can show him, Al. You can't teach balding. He already knows how to go to the bathroom and he's too young to drink." Steve: " He < Bud> could come with you in the morning & steal my paper." Al: " My mornings are for me." Steve: " When I was young, I collected baseball cards. I had a great collection 'til my mom threw them away." Al: " It's the greatest hobby but women just don't get it." Peg: " No, what I don't get is sex." Peg: " Men are such idiots and I married their king." Marcie: " I didn't need them < boys> . I had Barbie." Peg: " And I had a very special bath toy." Kelly: " I had a meeting with the principal. A 3 hour meeting. A 3 hour meeting. I told him you mistakenly confused Robinson Carusoe and Gilligan's Island. But he said, 'Even you, Miss Bundy, aren't that stupid.'" Bud: " But he was wrong. Wasn't he, Kel?" Peg: " Al, take Marcie upstairs to our room and let her cry on our bed. Lord knows it's used to tears." Al: " Both sides, Peg. Both sides." Peg: " I don't think they < Rhoades> should have kids." Al: " I don't think anyone should." Episode 215: Build A Better Mousetrap ------------------------------------- Bud: " Did you hear noises last night?" Peg: " Daddy had gas last night." Bud: " No, it's a sound I've never heard before." Kelly: " It could've been a girl moaning your name." Kelly: " Bud, you should be a model. I can see it now. Your face on a poster along with the caption 'My Father Should've Used A Condom.'" Al: " I had a dream last night. A big red haired mosquito in tight pants was hovering over me sucking money out of my wallet. Then it wanted a kiss. By the way, where is your mother?" Peg: " I've never been so scared in all my life." Al: " Did you see the vacuum?" Peg: " A mouse...kill it." Al: " Don't worry. Once it sees how we live, it'll go away. I know I would." Peg: " Hold me." Al: " Why? I didn't do anything wrong." Kelly: " A mouse trap in my room?" Bud: " The guys under the bed object, Kel?" Kelly: " What will my friends say?" Al: " 'Unlike your dad, the mouse will eat before it dies.'" Al: " With you 3 here, it makes me wonder why I'm hunting the mouse." Al: " Just once I'd like to hear ' Al, I'm outta here and I'm taking the kids.'" On the good side, life's half over." Al: " I'll torture it. I'll throw it against the wall. I'll stomp on it. And if there's an ounce of life left in it's body, I'll strap it in a chair, tape it's eyelids open and make it watch 'ThirtySomething.'" No mouse doodies on Al Bundy's shoes and lives." Al: " I can hear him laughing at me because he thinks he has me." Peg: " No, he's laughing 'cos he knows I got you." Al: " I have no insurance. You must be killing me for the sport." Peg: " Why can't men just utter the words 'I don't know how?' Even on our honeymoon, Al just wouldn't admit it." Episode 216: Master The Possibilities ------------------------------------- Peg: " I think we forgot something. Bud, give me the shopping list... egss, bread, milk...That's it. We forgot to do the grocery shopping." Al: " Where's Kelly?" Bud: " She's out on a double date...Her and two guys." < Al opens a package> Al: " Yodelin' Andy yodels the blues. Yodelin' Andy yodels the hits. The Best of Yodelin' Andy. Yodelin' Andy's bill for $117. < Al looks at Peg> Peg: " Get real." < Bud> Bud: " That's all my record collection needs..." Al: " It's not Kelly. Our names are spelled right." < Al works in a kitchen to pay dinner bill> Al: " When I was heading to the lobster house with Sven, I asked him if it was all worth it. He said,'When it's for the family, it's always worth it.' He also said a lobster couldn't pinch through an athletic supporter...Sven was 0 for 2 today." Al: " How am I going to pay for all this?" Peg: " If you didn't eat that grilled cheese sandwich, you could use your credit card." Al: " If your father hadn't laced the vermouth, we'd still be single." Peg: " You're just jealous of the dog." Al: " I'm jealous of everyone not married to you." Al: " Money changes you. Here we are in the same room together and I haven't once thought of going into the garage, starting the car, and letting the engine purr me to sleep." Al: " We could go to a fancy hotel and only be 20 minutes away." Peg: " Could we, Al?" Al: " As long as I'm not paying for it, nothing's too good for my wife." < Old guy has babe for a wife> Al: " You old dog, you." Guy: " I could say the same about you." Al: " You could say the same about her < Peg> ." Episode 218: The Great Escape ----------------------------- Bud: " So may women, so little time." Al: " Only one woman, too much time." Kelly: " He's < rock star> got a house in Jamaice. Do you know what I'd do for a house in Jamaice?" Bud: " The same thing you do for a dinner and a movie." < Al looks at Kelly's report card> Al: " F, F, F, D. What happened Kelly, you attend one?" Peg: " $1750 a job < she points to exterminator> , $1750 a year < points at Al> , smart < exterminator> , dumb < Al> , winner < exterminator> , loser < Al> ." Al: " Suicide < Al> , reason < Peg> ." < 3 babes walk into store> Peg: " We're closed." Al: " We've never been more open. Peg, how can I disappoint the ladies?" Peg: " Have sex with them." Al: " I intend to." Babe 1: < to Babe 3> " I don't know how to explain it. I think it's called nymphomania." < Al moves to measure foot to Babe 1> Babe 2: " Shouldn't you be measuring my foot since I'm the one buying the shoes?" Al: " But she's the nymphomaniac." Fat Lady: " I need shoes." Al: " The blacksmith's right around the corner." Al: " We're closed and, much like my life, the day is over." < Kelly's pretending to be manequin. Al wakes up & heads to bathroom> Al: " Damn manequins look like hookers." Episode 219: Im-po-dent ----------------------- Steve: " My car, she touched it. Now it doesn't feel like mine anymore." Al: " I feel that way about several parts of my body." Peg: " Al, why can't you be more like Steve?" Marcie: " ...and he's impotent!" Peg: " You are like Steve." Marcie: " We tried 6 times last night." Peg: " Did you hear that, Al? 6 times." Al: " I could fail six times in one night, too...Let's analyze this, the first time you tried, was the light on?" Marcie: " Yes." Al: " There you go, he saw you." Al: " Hey, Steve, what's up...oops." Marcie: < about Steve> "You were once a mighty oak and now..." Al: " You're a hanging vine." Marcie: " I need to know how to turn on a man." Al: " I'm not a plastic surgeon but I'll do what I can." < door bell rings> Al: " Peg, could you get that? It's probably the 'Homeless: It could be worse' Tour." Marcie: " Does Al allow you to drive his car?" Peg: " A few times. Once the car didn't have any brakes and someone had to take it to the shop." Marcie: " Peggy, can I borrow your car? I gotta go to the supermarket." Peg: " My car doesn't go there." Peg: " The only time Al & I spent a weekend in the bedroom was when we had to hide from the kids 'cos we forgot it was Christmas." Marcie: " Steve's impotent." Peg: " Give it time. I thought Al had that problem in '74 but, by '79, it had cleared up." Al: " Women, what are they good for? 2 C's: cooking and kitchen." Marcie: " Al, I'm amazed your knuckels don't bleed when you walk." Marcie: < to Al> "There may be something alive with fewer brain cells than you but wherever, or whatever, it is, I bet it's name is Bundy." Al: " I didn't sleep a wink last night with Steve's car alarm going off. Of course, it woke your mom and I had to talk to her. Kids, you almost lost your dad last night." Peg: < to Marcie> " You're lucky. The thing you can't touch is in the garage. Mine's in the bedroom." Steve: " It took me weeks to fix the seat just like I like it. Almost as long as it took me to fix the mirrors and set my favorite stations on the radio." Al: " How long will it take you to fix the fire hydrant shaped hole in the passenger's side...Oops, spoled Marcie's surprise." Peg: " Al, did you have to tell him?" Al: " You betcha." Steve: " Al, I've got to thank you. This impotance scheme of yours has given me a wife I never knew I had. Let me tell you. It was rough faking failure. Trying to figure out why Bruce Willis is a star really helps. Al: " I've got a million of 'em." Marcie: " I'm sorry if Steve's car alarm kept you up. It's his first night away from his new Mercedes. The slightest touch and it goes off all night." Peg: " Does it have a brother?" Peg: < to Marcie > " So, how did Steve's Mercedes drive?" Al: " You drove Steve's car? What did you hit?" Marcie: " You may be surprised but women today are race car drivers, astronauts and pilots. We're just as good as men." Al: " So, what did you hit?" Marcie: " A fire hydrant." Episode 220: Just Married... With Children ------------------------------------------ Peg: " Here's a letter from Steve's friend in Germany he plays chess with. Let's see...I think I'll move the Queen over here where no one else is. That's where I'd like to be." Al: " Since you're doing your life, why don't you lay the king down and have those 2 horses run back and forth over him?" Bud: " Hey, mom, my clothes, they smell clean." Kelly: " And my sweater, you can tell what color it is." Bud: " Yea, look, you got those grass stains off the back." < Al & Peg pretend to be Steve & Marcie> Guy: " Mr. Rhoades, do you want to kiss your wife goodbye?" Al: " Only if it really was goodbye." Episode 221: Father Lode ------------------------ < Peg passing on these words of wisdom to Marcie> Peg: " My mother once told me, 'Why feed a man once when you can feed yourself twice.' and, if you're going to rot in hell, your husband should burn beside you." Peg: " Kelly, here's 5 dollars. Bud?" Bud: " Going by the 'double for virgins' rule, $10." Al: " Peg, have you seen my wallet?" Peg: " What does it look like?" Al: " Old, wrinkled, and empty. Like my life." < Peg & the kids are sitting on the couch> Al: " Peg, showing the kids what you do all day?" Peg: " Why did I marry you? It couldn't have been for the money." Al: " It must have been that old family tradition: marry a man, ruin his dreams, and move on." Al: " Do you know what happens if I tell Peg < about the winnings> ... Steve, meet Peg < Al holds up vacuum> ...Peg, I won some money. < Al holds up money and vacuum sucks it in> " < Babe comes in shoe store> Babe: " I was in last week. Remember me?" Al: " Nightly...I mean, vaguely." Babe: " I want you." Al: " I'm married." Babe: " Perfect, that means you're already broken in." < Al has money> Al: " I gotta hide this where Peg'll never find it." < he puts it down his pants> Al: " Nah, too much down there already...Ah, dirty laundry, she'll never look there." Peg: " Dad has money." Kelly: " I noticed he wasn't studying roadmaps and fondling his car keys like usual." Bud: " I noticed when he shaved today and didn't pause at the jugular." Marcie: " What's wrong with Al? I saw him pulling out and he didn't aim the car at me and gun it." Steve: " I can't stand the way Marcie looks at me with trust." Al: " Most people confuse that look with the 'keep the checks coming or you're outta here' look." Al: " Why don't you come down here?" Peg: " I wanna cuddle. We haven't done that in a long time." Al: " Let's do something I wanna do." Peg: " I don't wanna dig in my ear and look like an idiot." Episode 222: All In The Family ------------------------------ < Al went over to the Rhodes 'cos Peg's family is staying over> Marcy: " Al, do you know the difference between Steves mother and a bowling ball?" Al: " No, what?" Marcy: " A bowling ball has no beard." < about Peg's family> Peg: " You can't leave during a family crisis." Al: " This is no family. This is a lab experiment." Peg: " We have to talk." Al: " I'm broke and I'm blind. What do we ave to talk about?" Peg: " You haven't been very kind to them < her family > " Al: " Neither has nature, go talk to it." Al: " You may wonder why my house is tilting. Peg's family is in town. 6 of 'em, 12 if you count her mother." Bud: " Kelly has some indoor / outdoor records of her own. In fact, she's so good she's about to turn pro." Kelly: " And think, Bud will never be bald. He'll always have the hair on the palm of his hands." Al: < to Peg's family> " Go home!" Peg: " A good start, Al, but show them that you care!" Al: " Ok, go home and drive carefully!" Episode 301: A Period Piece --------------------------- Steve: " They < the animals> want our women. Al: " Well, then our women they shall have! < Girls are having their periods. Marcie yells at Steve> Al: " Be thankful, yours just kills, it's quick and easy. Mine, like the black widow, likes to mate first." Peg: " Men, the one thing they're good for, they're not good at." Al: " You ignore the kids. You neglect the house. Yet you find time to let the food get cold before you serve it. Peg, how do you do it?" Peg: " I just care more about me than you and the kids." Al: < to Peg> "Times like this make me wanna take you upstairs and plug that hole in the roof." Al: " This is my week off, so pack up, get the kids & I'll see you in a week." Peg: " You promised to do all the jobs that you never did, like consumate marriage...nah, that's more of a do-it-yourself job." < doorbell rings, Steve's at door> Al: " Oh, Geez, it must be my lucky day." Steve: " What's they do? Raise the minimum wage?" Al: < to Kelly> "If you throw down the fishing rods, they break. If they break, daddy can't go fishing. If daddy can't go fishing, he's stuck with mommy. And if he's stuck with mommy, no one gets outta here alive." Peg: " It's Kelly's time of the month." Al: " Why'd we bring her then?" Bud: " Squeek through another month, eh, Kel?" Al: " Do you know why they have their periods? They know we're gonna have fun. Before men, women didn't have periods." Al: " Something big came out of the woods crashing through the brush. I thought it was you, Peg, but it didn't want my wallet." Steve: " They < animals> can sense when women are..." Al: " Killing their husbands?" Al: " We have the cast of Bambi out there and in here we have some of the 7 dwarfs: Puffy, Crabby, and Horny. Marcie: " I know. Let's go on a nature hike. We can look at all the flowers and take pictures of the wildlife." Al: " Then we'll all get naked and sing 'This Land is Your Land.'" Marcie: " The air smells great." Peg: " Get used to it now. Once Al settles in, the shoes come off." Al: " Bud, go say something nice to your sister." Bud: " But I don't even like her." Al: " Who does? Just go." Episode 302: He Thought He Could -------------------------------- < Al shows his trophies> Al: " Pop Warner MVP < big trophy> , Little League MVP < big> . I was just a bit younger than Bud. Then I met Peg. Co-ed Softball participant < little> , Rookie-of-the-year Shoe Salesman 1965 < little> . Notice how they're getting smaller." Peg: " Everything about him is." Al: " Yea, and you weren't the cause for that either." Fat Librarian: " Could it be that you don't have the money. Could it be that you're a failure like I always knew you'd be." Al: " Could it be that the nails that hold you chair together are from the planet Krypton." Fat Librarian: " You've become the Freddie Krueger of the library system." Al: " Does 'suey' mean anything to you?" Fat Librarian: " I could've retired 15 years ago. Do you know why I stayed?" Al: " You learned to eat library books." Episode 303: I'm Going To Sweatland ----------------------------------- Peg: " I saw Elvis." Al: " There's only one dead guy in this mall and you're looking at him." Fat Lady: " Your ad said 'Shoes to fit every foot.'" Al: " What we have here is not what Webster defines as feet. Face it, we have rib roasts with nails." Al: " As I was vacuuming my shirt this morning, I said to myself,' Hey, I got a wife. I have to. Why else wouldn't I care?'" < The Bundy house turns into an Elvis shrine> Al: " Go to your room." Kelly: " I can't. It's our 'Heartbreak Hotel.'" Peg: " Here it is, my time in the sun and you're < Al> a total eclipse." Steve: " I'm suing you. My wife won't leave your house." Al: " Neither will mine but they threw my case out of court." Steve: " You know what we say at the bank,'When opportunity knocks, that's us foreclosing.'" Marcie: " Elvis was a sex symbol. With men today being the way they are, it's no wonder we look towards the dead for excitement." < Peg folds Al's shirts> Marcie: " Look at the stain! It's the King!" Peg: " It's a good one but not one of Al's best." Marcie: " No, look at it. Al sweated Elvis." Al: " Now that Elvis is in our presence, let's do something he liked to do to honor him: let's eat....No, I'll do something Al Bundy likes to do < he grab's paper and heads towards bathroom> ...Oh, I'll let you know if I conjure up any superstars." < Marcie check Al's arm pits> Al: " Peg, just like I said on our honeymoon,'What's going on here?'" Al: " Why is it that Elvis is dead but I'm in hell?" Steve: " Why do women see Elvis? At least men see something useful like UFO's." Al: " Men see UFO's because they have to. It's our way out. It's the only thing that keeps me going. Hopefully it will be on garbage day. A beautiful Martian babe with 3 hooters will come out. She'll say,'I can't speak. I have no parents and I don't know what good sex is.'" Steve: " What's the third hooter for?" Al: " It's on the back for dancing." Peg: " Al, you sweat Elvis." Al: " If Elvis was married to you, he'd sweat me." Episode 304: Poke High ---------------------- In this episode, you find out that the Bundy's phone number is 555-2878. Peg: " Now you can do your chores." Al: " Wait a minute, Peg. We had sex 3 nights ago." Peg: " The garbage, Al. The longer of the two jobs." Al: " And the more rewarding." < Al picks up garbage bag & it breaks> Peg: " Way to go, Al." Al: " Thanks, Peg. Now it's exactly like sex." Kelly: " Once I can't get a man, I'm nothing." Bud: " No, once your lips stop saying 'yes' and your eyes stop saying 'duh,' you're nothing." Kelly: " If it was as easy for me as Bud: A Penthouse, a nightlight, and a pillow named Shirley." < Bud tutors football player> Bud: " Now that we've conquered literature, let's move on to spelling. First word...< Kelly comes downstairs> ...'tramp.'" Guy: " I play fullback." Al: " Back in my days, we went both ways." Guy: " Alot of the guys today go both ways but not me, I like girls." Bud: " Give it up, Kel. You're not his type." Kelly: " I'm everybody's type." < Kelly is a cheerleader> Peg: " Look at Kelly. I'm so proud of her. She's kicking her legs higher than anyone else." Marcie: " But the others are standing up." < Other school goes for the win> Al: < praying> " Please give me this one. I haven't asked for much... < Al looks at Peg> ...and you haven't given me much." Kelly: " Hey, no-life. I need you to help me get this guy." Bud: " What's wrong? The break-away blouse not working." Kelly: " Remember me. We met in the boys shower yesterday." Guy: " Yes, you're the 'soup girl.'" Kelly: " No. 'Soap.' S-O-P-E." Episode 305: A Dump Of My Own ----------------------------- Al: " We are americans. We have the right to use the best toilet- system in the world." Peg: < to Kelly> "Marry your own wallet!" Al: " We all have to live with our disappointments...I have to sleep with mine." < Peg looks down> Peg: " Is that it's new name?" Al: " You < Steve> know what it's like to share a bathroom with a woman, in my case, Peg. A woman ruins a bathroom: Nylons hanging from the shower, a tube of Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around...What are they doing in there? Making a salad?" < Al comes out of bathroom> Peg: " How was it, Al? Was it everything you dreamed? Al: " I don't know.I'm constipated. I wonder if Dad had this problem?" Peg: " Do you want me to undercook you some chicken?" Al: " Na, I need something stronger." < Al turns on TV: "Tonight on ABC, Rosanne,Moonlighting and Thirty Something." He then picks up the newspaper and heads to the bathroom> Peg: " I've got an egg and some M&M's. Does anyone want breakfast?" Al: " I'm still trying to digest the chicken from last night. Peg, why did you buy a chicken with 3 legs?" Peg: " The one with 3 drumsticks was 7 cents a pound while the one with 2 cost $1.19 a pound. Sorry for thinking about our wallet before our health." Al: " Didn't you think there was something wrong when the label said 'Chernobyl Farms'? How many chickens have flippers?" Peg: " Did you like it, Bud?" Bud: " Well, it was hard because every time I ate a piece, it would grow back." Peg: " I have talents, you know." Al: " In the real world, they don't give out awards for the longest period by a sophomore." Al: " When I was growing up I had 2 dreams. One was being an astronaut and landing on the planet Jane Mansfield and the other was having my own bathroom. Then I crash landed on a much darker planet." Peg: " How was school today?" Kelly: " Reading, writing, false alarm, principal's office. The usual." Marcie: " How long will it take Al to finish the bathroom." Peg: " The book says a child can do it on 2 to 3 weeks so...6 to 8 months." Peg: " What does that toilet have that I don't?" Al: " A job." Al: " When people see you have a Ferguson, they think you have money." Peg: " And when they see you have a husband, they think you have sex." Bud: " I have to go stud myself up for school." Kelly: " So you'll be needing your smoking jacket and matching blue pampers." < Al's going to the bathroom> Bud: " Dad, you'll need your boots...It's rising like the mighty Mississippi in there. From what I can tell, either you or mom tried to flush Kelly's report card odown the toilet... Oops, did I let the F's out of the bag?" Al: " Why did we have to buy a house with only 1 bathroom?" Peg: " All the houses in our price range were on fire except for the little one with no kitchen I liked." Al: " In my medicine cabinet, I'm just gonna have guy's stuff: Rolaids, Milk of Magnesia, Tums, a razor." Steve: " Why do you need a razor when you don't have a sink?" Al: " It's not for shaving, it's for piece of mind." Kelly: " When's dad gonna turn the power on? I wanna play some records." Bud: " Come on, Kel. You don't need records. You know all the words. Just chant 'Oh Satan. Yeah, Satan. Satan, I'm your squeeze.'" Kelly: " Mom, is this really our life?" Peg: " I think you're old enough to know the truth. Yes, it is." Episode 306: Her Cups Runneth Over ---------------------------------- Peg: " Al, am I still attractive?" Al: " You're still the same knee in the groin you've always been." Al: < to Peg> " You look like you did when I first met you. Only this time I'm not stinking drunk." Marcie: " What would men do if they had breasts?" Al: " We wouldn't need women any more" Peg: " If you had what other men had, I wouldn't need batteries any more." Al: " That's what happened to my DieHard." < Al & Steve are shopping for bras. Saleslady thinks their gay> Steve: " We're married to women." Al: " If I was gay, I'd think I could do better then you." Steve: " What does that mean?" Al: " You just don't turn me on" < A lady in store asks Al if her bra and panties look nice> Lady: " Are you straight?" Al: " The hairs on my chest are." Lady: " Do you think my boyfriend will like this?" < Al shakes his head yes> Lady: " Or will he like it better without the bra? < She takes off the bra. Al gets the amazed look on his face and passes out> < Al & Steve seen awesome babe> Al: " I knew women looked like that. I knew it. I knew it." Lady: " What's her < Peg > cup size?" < Al stares at her chest> Lady: " Sir?" Al: " Sorry, I was sweating into my eyes." < Well built lady walks past Al> Al: " Let's see the Japanese build a better one of them." Peg: " I feel lower than I did on my honeymoon when I realized that Al wasn't holding back." < Al, Peg, Marcy, and Steve are eating dinner> Peg: " Why do women need bras, anyway?" Al: " To keep your breasts from falling into your plate when you eat." Peg: " I want something new." Al: " Peg, I only know how to do it one way." Peg: " Maybe one day you'll get it right." Al: " Kids, why didn't you tell me it was mom's birthday. I wouldn't have come home." Al: < to Steve > " I gotta get peg a presant. If I don't something bad might happen. She might want affection and we both know affection is only a hammer's throw away from sex." < Marcie makes Peg a bra> Marcie: " This one will hold you over until you get a new one." Peg: " That's what mother said about Al." < Cop is at door> Peg: " I'm sorry. Kelly's not here." Episode 307: The Bald And The Beautiful --------------------------------------- Kelly: " Mom, you don't mind when I'm playing with Bud, do you?" Peg: " No, that's why we had'em." Steve: " Look at my head. Do you see something? Al: " My reflection" Steve: " You're losing your hair, too" Al: " You've seen my wife, my house, my kids. It's a miracle my hands haven't fallen off." Steve: " If we lose all our hair, our wives won't love us anymore." Al: " There you go." Marcie: " I'm worried about Steve. Last night we had sex and he wore a sombrero." Peg: " The ribbed kind?" Steve: " Where there's pain, there's life. You should know that, Al" Peg: " You were great, Al." Al: " Leave me alone." Peg: " Oh, come on, Al. I really, really believe is you practiced once in a while, you could actually get good at sex. And honey, you don't have to hit your head." Al: " It's the one part that I enjoy, Peg. It keeps my mind off of what the rest of my body is going through." Peg: " Well, take it from me. It's not going through much. Al: " Why did I ever agree to this Tuesday night sex?" < Al turns on TV> TV Voice: "And that's it for Monday Night Football." < Al gives Peg a dirty look> Al: " It isn't Tuesday night, Peg. You've done a bad thing and must be punished." Peg: " I just wanted it to be closer to your shower night." < 2 babes come into shoe store> Al: " You're not fat and don't have an attitude so you can't be looking for me. But how can I help you anyway?" < Al comes into B.A.D. meeting wearing a blindfold> Al: " I don't like this. It's like the day I got married." Bud: " Look around. If hair got you all this, Dad, let it go." Kelly: " I'll lend you one of my dresses." Bud: " Yea, how about the one that says 'Put Em Here, Boys.'" Bald Guy: " ...Next time a hairy child comes up and says 'Hey, can I rub your head for luck' tell him ' That's not what your mother rubbed.'" Episode 308: Requiem For A Dead Barber -------------------------------------- Bud : " Mom, I know that Kelly is daddy's daughter, but me, I was just a one-night stand with some cool guy right?" Kelly : " I heard that! I'm not daddy's either!" Peg : " Children, children! You're both daddy's kids..." < Bud & Kelly hang their heads> Peg: " Face it, your barber's dead." Al: " Why did it have to be him, who meant so much to so many? Why couldn't it have been someone nobody would have missed: a wretch of a human being? Why couldn't it've been your mother?" Al: " Why am I thinking they buried the wrong guy?" Peg: " Cheer up. Your day will come." Steve: " Why don't you go to my barber?" Al: " Thanks, Steve. But I still care how I look." Peg: < to Bud> " Like my mother said when I married your father:'If you can't feel it, fake it.'" Al: " Yeah...and if you don't care anymore, marry it." Al: " Who am I going to get my hair cut?" Marcie: " Why don't you jsut do what you do with your lawn: park your car on it and let it die." Al: " Thanks, Marcie, but much like the hair on your legs, it needs a trained professional." Steve: " Look, Al, why don't you go to my barber?" Al: " Thanks, Steve. But I still care how I look." Peg: " Al, you're making a big thing out of nothing. Usually, you're a big thing that makes nothing." Marcie: " Why don't you find a guy with nice hair and ask him where he gets his hair done?" Al: " I'll compliment him on his good hair, he'll complement me on my bedroom eyes, then we'll live together and make terrariums...I'm going upstairs to be alone with my grief." Peg: " Well, make sure to pull up the Airwick." Marice: " Steve's worth more dead than alive." Peg: " So's Al. You know, with food stamps, welfare, and all." < Peg needs urine and blood sample from Al for insurance> Peg: " The urine will be easy. I'll just put a cup five feet from the bowl. The blood's the hard part." < Next morning: Al comes downstairs> Al: " Peg, the darndest thing. My neck's bleeding and I woke up with a jar between my legs." Al: " I called my friends." Peg: " What did he say?" Al: " He said,'I'm in San Quentin for killing the wife but it's worth it.'" Al: " I'm gonna find a barber, a real man. One who likes girls and hates women." Al: " They replace pinball machines with video games. What do I care if a monkey can make it to the top of a building unless he's going up there to throw his wife off. And have you seen cartoons lately, Peg? Remember when a mouse could hit a cat with a frying pan. What do they do now? They talk it out. Do you know who's to blame? Women and pacifists. And do you know where they get their hair done? They go to salons. < Al leaves for salon> Al: " Al Bundy is going to get washed and blown." < Big breasted babe comes up> Girl: " I'm Murphy. How can I help you?" Al: " Can you dance on, I need my hair cut." Kelly: " What if he looks like a geek? Can we laugh?" Peg: " Kelly, he's your father. Of course you can laugh...shhh, I can smell him coming." < Al comes in with a perm> Peg: " You look like a fruit, Al" Al: " Thanks, Peg." Bud: " Pretty cool, dad. You have that 'No closet can hold me' look." Kelly: " But you're still wearing mens clothes, aren't you?" < Al & friends have all gone to salons> Al: " Yeah, we're studs. So, what are we going to do tonight? Put on our baby dolls, drink a few beers and give each other spankings?" Al: < to his friends> " Here's what we do. We find a fire hydrant. Turn the sucker on. Put our heads in the hole and we wash the gay away." Episode 309: The Gypsy Cried ---------------------------- Peg: " Steve and Marcie throw a nice party, don't they?" Al: " It would've been nicer if we were actually invited. You know, Peg, I didn't like those people very much. A bunch of boring bankers. They just kept staring at me." Peg: " Well, you did overflow their toilet and not tell anyone." Al: " I don't tell anyone when I do it here. But you gotta give me credit. I did try to liven up the party." Peg: " I don't think a banker's party is the right place to stand on the buffet and yell 'Hey, let's wet down the wives T-shirts and rate their hooters.'" Al: " You'da won. But I do have to agree with Steve, this is the last party I'm ever going to at their house." Bud: " We got the gas. I don't think anyone saw us. They were too busy watching Buck mount Mrs. VanDerGelder's coat." < Buck runs upstairs with a coat> Kelly: " How come Buck can have a coat upstairs and I can't have boys in my room." Bud: " This is the last time I'm working for Dad. From now on, I go solo." Kelly: " Much like at lover's lane." Peg: " Our kids are growing up so fast. It seems like only yesterday they were stealing from us." < Gypsy sits on Bundy's couch> Madam Olga: " Please sit down. I feel very strong vibrations here." Al: < to Peg > " Did you leave your toy running under the couch again?" Peg: " No, it's in the shop. It's being turbocharged." < Madam Olga reads Al's fortune > Madam Olga: "...Feet!..." Al: " Is that in the cards?" Madam Olga: " No, I smell your feet." Al: " Well, I smell cheap scotch on your breath. Read me my fortune." Madam Olga: " Unfortunately, I see good fortune for you. Something linked to the color green." Al: < to Peg > " What do I have that's green?" Peg: " Your teeth." Al: < to Madam Olga > " Can I have a death like Steve?" Episode 310: I'll See You in Court ---------------------------------- Al: " I think I know what's going on here, the chocolates in the car, the oil on my zipper, you want sex don't you?" Peg: " No, I want a fur coat but I'll take what's behind zipper number one." Al: " Peg, if you scare him like that, he'll never come out." Peg: " Look, Al. I want sex. Do you want to be conscious or not?" Peg: " Pop in a breath mint and let's see if we can coax the mummy out of his crypt." Al: " I don't want to have sex. You're my wife, for god's sake. Hasn't having the kids taught you anything, nothing good comes out of it." Episode 311: Eatin' Out ----------------------- Al: " Now, we'll be gone a week. Did you turn off the phone, heat, electricity, water?" Peg: " All shut off. Honey, do you think we should've told the kids we were going?" Al: " They'll be fine. But, if you're worried about them, you can stay here with them. Of course, it won't be the same without you. I might have some fun." < Bud and Kelly catch Al and Peg leaving> Bud: " Pretty low, dad." Peg: " What tipped you off?" Kelly: " We knew something was up when you packed us a lunch." Al: " Kids, do you want to go to a nice dinner tomorrow?" Bud: " We want to see Tears & Vomit." Al: " You can see that when your mother cooks." Al: " I got an idea." Peg: " You'll pardon me if I don't believe you." Al: " They'll pardon me if I kill you." < Al & Peg are stuck in the restaurant with no money> Peg: " What are we gonna do, Al?" Al: " What are we gonna do, Al? What are we gonna do, Al? Boy, when you're out of the bedroom, the answers don't come easy do they. I got an idea." Peg: " Boy, the ideas do come quick to you out of the bedroom, don't they?" Episode 312: My Mom, The Mom ---------------------------- Marcie: " I remember when I was young. I wanted a horse. So I kept talking about stirups. So my mom took me to the gynecologist...whenever I see a Western I feel the urge to scootch to the end of the table." Kelly: " Mom, you've done a lot for me. Remember when I was 7 and Bobby liked Terry just 'cos she was a blonde, you went right out and got me my first bottle of bleach." Peg: " Honey, what's your real hair color?" Kelly: " I don't know. What's your real hair color?" Peg: " I don't know. It's times like these I wished we took pictures." < Al & Bud are staring at awesome babe> Al: " You're going to open a lemonade stand. There's nothing like a cool glass of lemonade on a hot day." Bud: " But it's 12 degrees out." Al: " Then why are we sweating?" Kelly: " Mom, when I grow up I want to be just like you. I want to do nothing, I want to be nothing." < Bud is frozen> Al: " You're cold. You're beginning to stoop. You earned a quarter and the women took it from you. Congratulations, Bud, today you are a man." Peg: " Honey, I was jsut dreaming about you." Al: " Were you in it or was I having a good time." Al: " They have a security guard patrolling the wishing well around the mall so money will be a little tight for a while." < Bud & Kelly are going out> Peg: " Bud, don't forget your jacket." Bud: " I don't have one." Al: " What do you mean you don't have one? I just bought you one last week." Bud: " I guess I left it somewhere." Al: " You don't leave a jacket. You leave your hopes, your dreams, and, if you're lucky, your family. But you gotta take care of your jacket." Bud: " Kelly has a big math test coming up. Me and the guys are getting a pool together to guess her score. Now, if I act fast I can cover 0 through 20 and we'll be rolling in dough." Al: " Put me down for 15." Marcie: " Did you know our window's broken?" Steve: " Bud did it. He apologized and promised to let me pay for it." Peg: " I don't belong in the kitchen, Marcie, I'm a woman, dammit." Peg: " Tomorrow's Mother-Daughter Career day at Kelly's school." Marcie: " What are you going to wear?" Peg: " It's a career day. Why would I go?" < Peg's cooking > Bud: " Miss, have you seen my mother?" Episode 313: Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me -------------------------------------- Al: " I saw a star in the East. Peg, did you do laundry?" Peg: " Well, I had to Al. One of your shirts reached out of the basket, grabbed me around the windpipe and demanded to be taken to the airport." Al: " Stupid shirt, if it was that easy I would've been gone years ago." Al: " Something sinister's going on so I know a woman's behind it." < music is playing> Bud: " Hey, 'Anything Goes.' Kelly, that's your song." Al: " Remember the Bundy credo: 'When one of us is embarrassed, the rest of us feel better about ourselves.'" < Kelly does erotic dance and her fat old teacher jumps on Al> Al: " Peg, she bit me on the neck. Now I'll live forever!" Al: " I had 20 pairs of socks. Now I have 19 swinging singles and one pair." Peg: " What's wrong with them?" Al: " They're the pair I was married in: the evil pair." Al: " There's two things that the Bundy's don't do. We don't eat vegatables and we don't tap." Al: " Kelly, I'll get up in the morning, paint one ankle and go see your principal. Then I'll board a plane to Borneo where I'll be known as the 'Great White One with One Sock.'" Kelly: " Did you talk to the principal? Did you get me off? Al: " Have I ever disappointed you before?" Kelly: " Yes." Al: " Then you won't be surprised at what daddy has to say." Peg: " Say something nice to Principal Wicker." Al: " You're looking less ugly tonight." Kelly: " The one thing I learned about being a Bundy is, if you loose, loose big. That's what dad does." Al: < to the principal> " Think back when you were little. Roaming the range with the rest of the water buffalo. Scratching yourself against a tree." Kelly: " How come no date tonight, Bud? Couldn't get the wig on Buck?" Episode 314: A Three Job, No Income Family ------------------------------------------ Al: " Kelly, why don't you cool ole dad something to eat?" Kelly: " I'm practically a woman. I don't cook. Why don't you just do what I do when I get hungry, get a date?" Bud: " Yea, and slit your skirt up to your neck." Al: " Bud, you don't date. How do you eat?" Bud: " Much like the proud Indian, I have learned to live off the land. Now, for instance, let me show you what I mean. You see this crack between the stove and the wall? Every now and then I find, say, a fuzzy M&M. You just peel the protective coating and you've got a nice little dose of carbohydrates. And, don't throw away that colorful shell. It makes a hearty base for soup." Peg: " I have a bone to pick with you, Al." Al: " There wouldn't happen to be any meat on it." Peg: " You're gonna get a second job." Al: " You that worried that I'll live out the year, Peg?" Al: " I'd rather pick my nose with a can opener, I'd rather go bobbing for apples in a pool of alligators, I'd rather have a cathater (?) the size of a garden hose than get a second job." < looking through the want ads for Al> Peg: " Sperm donors. Darn. They want someone with experience." Marcie: " My friend own's a pit bull training school. Does Al have a cup?" Peg: " What for?" Marcie: " He could work his way up to the man with the tranquilizer gun. How's his aim?" Peg: " You've seen our bathroom." Marcie: " And your kids." Al: " I know Oprah doesn't pay people to watch her with their mouths open so how'd you get the money?" Peg: " I'm a Patty Brite girl in my spare time." Al: " So it's a full time job." Bud: " Dad, can you pinpoint the exact moment life passed you by?" Al: " Bud, life didn't pass me by, it sat on my head." Steve: " I heard about Peggy's income...Well, actually, I didn't hear it. The neighborhood women spray painted it on you car." Al: " You sure it was paint. Or was it man-blood?" < Al and Steve talk about Peg working> Steve: " Sure you give up a little." Al: " Steve, you've seen my life. A little's all I have." Al: " If Peg could nag in sign language, she wouldn't need a head at all." < Al works at Burger Trek> Boss: " You're a disgrace, Bundy. Clean your station!" Al: " Marry a redhead!" Steve: " I made more than you losing a tooth when I was a kid." Al: < making a fist> " How'd you like to make a fortune tonight?" Episode 315: The Harder They Fall --------------------------------- Al: : " Come on kids. We're gonna watch a movie. We've got munchies andwe've got each other. What more could we ask for?" Kelly: " Hope." Bud: " Food." Kelly: " Pride." Bud: " Teeth." Kelly: " An alias." Bud: " Underwear." Al: " An annulment." Steve: " Al, I'm really upset with your wife." Al: " Kill her." < Peg brings home a stupid video> Al: " I wanted Schwartzenager." Peg: " So did I. But I got you and you got Beta." Steve: " We don't have the Bundy's over often enough." Marcie: " That's your rule, Steve." Kelly: " How come mom can cross state lines and I can't? Al: " Because your mom didn't go in a van with a bumper sticker that read 'Don't come a knockin' if you see the van a rockin.'" Kelly: " That can be taken alot of different ways." Bud: " So can you." < Kelly comes home early from a date> Peg: " What happened to your date?" Kelly: " He wanted to study so I just had to tell him I'm not that kind of girl." Al: " Peg, don't turn on the tape yet. I gotta goto the can." Marcie: " Oh, no. There go our pipes." Steve: " I'll get the goldfish out before it's too late." Marcie: " Get our toothbrushes, too...< to Peg> ...Should we really be worried?" Peg: " Yes, but I'd leave the goldfish in there. It's good to test the air before you attempt re-entry. We used to use parakeets but then they learned how to talk and started screaming." Al: " Boy, I worked up an appetite. I could eat a horse. But since I'm not home, I won't have to." < Al goes to the bathroom over at the Rhoades' / Steve's going to get beat up> Al: " Steve, let me tell you a little story." Steve: " Is it about what you did upstairs?" Al: " No, you'll learn about that soon enough. No, this is a story about fear. See, I know you look at me, you see my wife and kids, you say to yourself 'There's a man that's not afraid of anything.' That's no true, Steve. I was afraid once. When I was a kid, there was this beast. It was the scariest thing you've ever seen. We both wanted Peg. Which shows that love is not only blind, it's stupid. Every time Peg and I went out it was there. Every time I saw it I'd run like hell. But I knew that one day we'd have to settle this thing once and for all. So one day I got sick of running. So one day in the school yard, we went at it. It was long and brutal. I can't say that I won. I can't say that I lost...< Al looks at Peg> ... Well, I definitely can't say that I won. But, after that day, I was never afraid again 'cos I stood up to the biggest, meanest, toughest man I had ever seen. Steve, that man was Peg's mother." < Steve whistles> Al: " Yeah, you can say that again. So, Steve, I don't care how long that guy was in San Quintin, there's no way he'll be as mean and as tough as 150 years of inbreeding." Al: " Screw a fair fight. Here's what you do. The guy's gonna knock on the door. Open up the door really quick. Don't give him a chance to think and sucker punch him in the bread basket. He'll drop like an ox. That's what I should've done to Peg's mother but she horned me first." Episode 316: The House That Peg Lost ------------------------------------ < Peg puts her ashes in Al's beer> Al: " I thought the beer tasted like your hamburgers." Peg: " It's an old family recipe. Of course mom's was a little different. She chewed tobacco." Al: " I remember her lemonade." Al: " No pajama parties. I'm still having flashbacks from the last one." Kelly: " I was 8." Al: " Yes, but the judge wanted to try you as an adult." Kelly: " Mommy, thanks for letting me have a pajama party." Peg: " You're welcome." Al: " Oh, no. I'm not going to sit here and let you two make my decisions for me. That's how we had Bud." Kelly: " Well, dad, if you remember, I was the first one to say 'Let's throw him back.' You promised I could have a pajama party. It's right here in black and white. You signed it when I was 8...< Kelly opens the note> ...'Absolutely no parties involving pajamas, music or shaving daddy;s head while he sleeps until you're 16. Signed, your father, God help me, Al Bundy.'" Al: " You can't hold me to that. I thought I'd be dead by now." Kelly: " Well, the jokes on you, dad." Peg: " No, actually, the jokes on me but not very often." Kelly: " Bud, pretend it's any normal Saturday night. Turn the lights down low, put on some soft music and dial 1-800-No-Date." Bud: " No, Kel, if it was a normal Saturday night I'd be selling low numbers to the guys outside your window." Kelly: < to Al and Peg> " On party night, I want you 2 in your room by 7 o'clock and no coming out during the party. If my friends knew what you looked like, I'd die." Al: " You know, Peg, this i my house. I pay for it. I live in it. I'd like to think I can roam around in it like any desparate caged animal. What an I supposed to bo locked in a room with you all night?" Peg: " Well, I, too, have a promisory note signed when Kelly was 8. It's for sex." Al: " Oh, no! Is it 1989 already?" Peg: " How come you never take me to a hotel, Al?" Al: " You'd just find your way home." Kelly: " Daddy, we don't have any food." Al: " My underwear doesn't have any elastic. Talk to June Cleaver < Peg> here." Peg: " Who died and made me mom?" TV Voice: " Coming up on Women's World: 'Men, herd 'em up and kill 'em all.'" Al: " Steve and Marcie's house is gone." Peg: " Gone? What do you mean, gone?" Al: " Gone. Like my hope, my dreams, my future." < Peg goes to door and realizes the house is gone> Al: " Nothing gets by you Peg.....'Cept a house!" Peg: " Let's fool around." Al: " I feel uncomfortable fooling around with other people in the house: Steve & Marcie, the" < Al & Peg go sleep outside> Peg: " It's raining." Al: " Good, I'll sleep with my mouth open. Maybe I'll drown." Episode 317: Married...With Queen, Pt 1 --------------------------------------- < Bud and Kelly are hungry and eyeing each other> Bud: < thinking> " If we don't get some food soon, it's Donner pass baby." Kelly: < thinking?> " He's stringy but seasoned properly, Bud Chops." Bud: " Isn't there anything to eat in this house?" < They all look at Buck who runs out> Peg: " I don't think he ever got over waking up that one Christmas morning surrounded by little potatoes with an apple in his mouth." Al: " Hi, Peg. Nice dress. Oprah having a formal episode?" Peg: " Al, don't you remember anything?" Al: " Not since I said 'I do.'" Peg: " You promised to take me to out reunion the night of the prom." Al: " You had fun, Peg." Peg: " Yea, we watched sports all night. You drank all my dad's beer. I said 'I Love You.' You said 'Shut up, I can't hear the game.' Then we did it on my father's coat. You were an animal that night." Al: " Who thought I'd ever see you again?" Peg: " You're trying to make me mad. It didn't work on our wedding night and it won't work now." < Peg is up for reunion queen> Steve: < to Al> " What are you up for?'Cartwheeling to the Grave' award?" Steve: " That's what reunions are for: to laugh at the pitiful people. The one's who have accomplished nothing since high school...I'm sorry, Al." Steve: " Let's go back to our place and punch up some classmate's credit ratings." Marcie: " Then we can make a bed of our negotiable securities and do the wild thing." Peg: " Why don't we have any negotiable securities?" Al: " 'Cos my wild thing broke me." < Peg talks sweet talk> Al: " Don't do this to me. You know it shrivles up all my working parts." Al: " Jack. We'd compete at everything....He'd set a record. I'd set a record. He'd pass a gall stone. I married you." Edna: " Peg, whatever happened to that gorgeous hunk you were sporting around town, Todd < whatever > ?" Peg: " I thought I could do better. I was wrong." Al: " Hi, Edna. You don't look a day over a thousand. How do you do it?" Peg: " Just ignore him. Just like success has." Connie: " Did you hear the good news? I'm gonna be reunion queen." Peg: " You're wrong. Much like how you think that women don't need to wear deodorant." Episode 318: Married...With Queen, Pt 2 --------------------------------------- Eli: " You marrying Peg was the only bet I lost." Al: " Yea, me too." Speedy: " How do you keep in shape?" Al: " Running from Peg on sex night." Bud: " Do you know what they have at reunions?" Kelly: " A lot of old men to roll?" Bud: " Food!, bimbo-stein." Bud: " We're gonna go to the library." Kelly: " There goes another thing I said I'd never do." < Bud & Kelly dress up as hippies to get food at the reunion> Bud: " Tonight my name is Moonbeam and yours is Piece, P-I-E-C-E." < Kelly says something really stupid> Bud: " You know, Kel, sometimes I can hear your brain coming to a halt." Babe: " Did you really give up playing for the Bears for your wife?" Al: " I figured if I'm gonna take a kick to the groin it might as well be for love." Kelly: < to Bud> " You'd be eating alone in a women's prison." Connie: " We need a red carpet. Can we use your hair? All but the roots, I mean." Peg: " Well, of you need a rug, you can shave your back." Jack: " I can't think of one thing you could do better than me." Al: " Why don't you ask your wife about that, Jack." Al: " You know, Peg. It's like I told you on our wedding night when you woke me up: 'You sure know how to ruin a good time.'" Episode 319 : The Computer Show ------------------------------- Al: " Computers and women are ruining the country" Peg: " They're quite similar. You can't turn on either." Al: " I'm not interested in either one." Al: " When I come through that door I want someone to bring me my slippers. The question is who." Peg: " When it comes to your slippers, the question is how. As in 'How can a man make his slippers smell worse than his feet?'" Al: " I sweat the sweat of the dead, Peg. Getting back to the question of who's gonna bring me my slippers, I think you're untrainable, the kids don't care if I live or die so I guess that leaves Buck." Peg: " That is how we toilet trained Bud. Of course Bud was 5 before he stopped getting excited everytime he saw a tree." Al: " Buck, let's pretend it's any normal day and I'm coming home from work. 'Kelly failed another test, Bbd's dealing 3 card Monty at the old folk's home and Peg's in Oprah coma. I just earned 75 cents slaving in the shoe mines.'" Bud: " Do you know what we need in this house?" Al: " Poison gas coming through the vents?" Peg: " He only thinks of himself." Peg: " Don't you want Bud to have everything that you never had: an education, a good job, a happy wife?" Al: " Peg, you can' tell me that seeing me up to my armpits in misery doesn't make you happy." Steve: " Al, I used to be just like you...Well, no just like you. I cared about personal hygeine and I had change for a dollar." < Al is pretending he's Buck to train him. Family comes in> Kelly: " If this is truly the end, I'm not walking him." Peg: " If daddy the dog is anything like daddy the man, he'll just grab a paper and lock himself in a tree." Al: " You'll dust for the computer but you won't dust for me or cook for me or listen to me." Peg: " Al, just don't sit there silent, say something about the computer." Kelly: " I have a book report due tomorrow in the subject with the words...what do you call it?" Al: " English?" Kelly: " Yea." Peg: " Let's face it. I didn't marry a happy man." Al: " Yes you did. You turned him into me." Al: " I just realized we got someone in this house that eats, lies around and does nothing." Peg: " Ah, Buck is cute." Al: " I was talking about you, Peg. But the dog is pretty useless, too." Al: " We don't need a computer. It's just like when we had the kids: Everybody oohs and aahs at first but when the novelty wears off they just sit there collecting dust and cry for food." Al: " Much like a family, what will a computer do for me?" Marcie: " It can do all sorts of things like keeping up with sports scores." Al: " Newspaper." Steve: " Social events?" Al: " TV Guide." Marcie: " Organize recipes?" Al: " Don't eat." Steve: " Doctor's appointments?" Al: " Don't care." < Kelly needs help with her book report on Moby Dick> Bud: " The classic whaling tale by Herman Melville. What do you need to know about it." Kelly: " What happens." Bud: " Ishmail and the whale were actually good friends and the whale would talk." Kelly: " Oh, cool." Bud: " Yep, the whale would call him 'Wilbur.'" Kelly: " He called Ishamil 'Wilbur?'" Bud: " Exactly." Kelly: " The computer didn't know that." Bud: " They sang a classic whaling song." ' A whale is a whale, or course, of course And no one talks to a whale, of course Unless, of course, the whale, of course Is the fabulous Mr Dick' Kelly: " Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're going too fast. Oh, this is good. I bet the whale didn't talk to anyone but Wilbur. Huh?" Bud: " Did you hear that, dad? Make those college reservations now 'cos this girl is going places." < Kelly leaves> Al: " Bud, I hope you realize that when she grows up it's your responsibilty to take care of her because when she's 21, high school student or not, she's outta here." Al: " Bud, don't you want to use the computer?" Bud: " Why would I want to use the computer when I have a blank screen like Kelly upstairs." Episode 320: The Dateless Amigo ------------------------------- Peg: " Oh, Al. You're gonna study real hard and take the test for a garbage man?" Bud: " Yeah, dad! You're gonna pass this time!" Peg: " Wow! We're gonna get rich!" Bud: " The day that I stoop low enough to date a mannequin is the day that I truly earn the name Bundy." Al: " Let's go back to yesterday. While taking out the trash, I triped, fell, and my head landed in the garbage. Normally, I just hang out there with my hopes and dreams." Kelly: " Kelly, go outside and see it it's a burglar. Kelly, taste this green meat and see if it's any good. Kelly, look stupid and and wear shoe lights. It's no wonder I seek the warmth of a stranger's arms." Bud: " Thanks for the help, bleached blanket bimbo." Kelly: " They may call me 'bimbo' but at least they call me." < Peg pinches Al's ear> Al: " Ow!" Peg: " I was just checking to see if you're still alive. It's hard to know sometimes." Al: " There's a better way. Dead men don't wake up yelling 'NO.'" Al: " I'm not going < to the shoe convention> . It's just another place to remind me of my failures: work, home..." Peg: " The bedroom." Al: " You're always there when I'm down." Al: " Who started the tradition that the guy who makes the least introduces the guy who makes the most?" Peg: " I don't know. It seems to energize the crowd against you and brgins them all together." Al: " Do you get a special bonus if I don't reach 50?" < Kelly demonstrates Shoe Lights> Al: " I'll just turn Kelly on." Bud: " Then won't you be needing some candy and $5." Kelly: < to Bud> " Face the ugly truth. They don't have woods deep enough to grow the girls that will go out with you. You're aiming to high: you know, a live girl. You have caviar taste and a pizza face." < Al falls down basement steps> Al: " Who am I? Where am I? Oh, that's right. I'm Al Bundy. Oh no, Damn!" Episode 321: Life's A Beach --------------------------- Peg: " Al, take a picture of me to remember when I was beautiful." Al: " You're gonna get worse !?" Steve: " Al, could you fo me a favor?" Al: " What? Grab one of you wife's legs and make a wish?" Bud: " Now I'm gonna find me a babe." Kelly: " You couldn't find a babe in a gynacologist's office." Fat Lady: " You're in my sun. I'm trying to get an all-over tan." Al: " You're asking alot of the sun." Girl: " Bud, there's a fly drowning in the oil on what will some day be your chest." Bud: " Hi, I'm Bud BonJovi. I'm looking for people to be in a rock video." Girl: " I'll do anyting to be in a rock video." Bud: " And so you shall." Lady: " Al, you look great. Do you work out?" Al: " I barely eat." Al: < to Lady> " I don't feel right about it. I don't want it to get out but I kinda like my family. Don't get me wrong. I'd say the same thing to my wife if she wanted sex." Steve: " My parents toyed with the idea of naming me 'Tiger' but then the yellow disappeared and they went with 'Steve.'" Episode 322: Here's Lookin' At You, Kid --------------------------------------- Peg: " Let's go downstairs. You can put some dirty laundry on the ping-pong table and disappoint me like only you can. < Al locks her in the basment > Peg: " When I get out, we're gonna do it twice...that means a full minute." < The neighborhood ladies come over with their peeping stories> Fat/Ugly Lady: " I was peeped, too. It was horrible." Al: " And how was it for you?" Hot Babe: " Last night, he peeped me when I was changing." Al: " Can you show us what he saw?" < Al comes home> Al: " Peg? < no answer> Kids? < no answer> Heaven! No wife, no kids, no pain: the way God intended. Now I'm truly alive." Peg: " Let's have sex." Al: " Wait, didn't we do it last month?" Peg: " Yea, but let's finish it. Sit up, shut up, and brace yourself. Take me on a 30 second ride to the moon." Peg: " Sit up, shut up, and brace yourself." Al: " Remember, the kids are here. If you want to have sex, the kids have to leave and, if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave." Peg: " Sit up, shut up, and brace yourself." < Marcie comes in> Marcie: " Peg, there's something disgusting going on in the neighborhood." Al: " See, Peg, now everybody knows." Marcie: " There I was in all my glory when the guy peeped me." Al: " Marcie, did they find the guy passed out in the bushes still twitching with fear. Just the thought of it gives me the heebee geebees." Steve: " The fat and unattractive have rights, too." Peg: " Nobody wants to peep me. Hold me, Al." Al: " Nobody wants to hold you, either." < Peg's parading in front of window> Peg: " I'm being peeped." Al: " It's an owl. He's seen you. He's spinning out of control. Now he's down. Peg, you've killed. Can we go to bed now.? Bud: " Kelly, tell dad Einstein's Theory of Relativity." Kelly: " Mom and dad are my relatives, therefore I am." Kelly: " From now on, I'm going to be Kelly Bundy, senior, and not just a name on the locker room wall." Al: " Bud, I know you're having fun with your sister, her being a dullard and all. But if Kelly doesn't graduate, she won't move out and daddy won't get his own room. And if daddy doesn't get his own room, he might just run amock starting in alphabetical order. Do you understand, BUD?" Steve: " I've got a problem. Since this peeping thing started Marcie won't let me touch her. We haven't had sex in 5 days." Al: " It could be worse. I've had sex with mine for 5 straight days." Steve: " Well, I like having sex with my wife. If it wasn't for sex, I might as well live with my mother and be happy. At least I'd get breakfast in bed." Al: " Really, my mmom would just light me a Lucky and send me off to school...This peeping thing has got to stop. I can't go on having sex with my wife." Steve: " And I can't go on having sex without mine." Episode 401: Hot Off The Grill ------------------------------ Steve: " This is the best burger I've ever had. What's your secret, Al?" Al: " Well, I sneak down to the nudie bar once or twice a week to make it through life." < Kelly is between Bud and Peg> Kelly: " Is this how I'm gonna spend my Labor Day. Between my mother and a pizza with everything" Bud: " The holiday got you down, Kel? Just pretend it's any other day. Get up on the table & mom and I will put dollars down your dress." Peg: " Don't believe everything Rev. Fultcher says from the pulpit." Al: " We can't do something you < Peg> want. It isn't leech day, that's Christmas. it isn't parasite day, that's mother's day." Kelly: " I can't wait 'til I have kids so I can tell them what to do." Bud: " And when the ask who their dad is you can play 'spin the father.'" Al: " We've been married 17 years. Can't we just be friends?" Peg: " I don't like you. I just want to have sex with you. You said when you were rested. And the way you do it, it's like resting anyway." Al: " It should be a happy day. Not fighting, arguing, and have sex with our partners." Peg: " Kids, I wish you could've seen your dad before all this" Al: " As I recall, they almost did." Episode 402: Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics --------------------------------------- Jim: " Hi, I'm the healthiest man in Chicago" Al: " Then you should heal quick when I pull your spine through your mouth" < The Bundy's are trying to figure out where Jim will stay> Bud: " He wouldn't want to stay in Kelly's room and listen to the sailors coming in and out all night." Kelly: " He wouldn't want to stay in Bud's room and listen to him whisper 'I Love You' to his hand all night." Al: " I'm hungry, any food?" Peg: " There's a 6-pack in the frig." Al: " I'd like to have something to wash it down. Peg, why don't you pop this chicken into the oven...oh, sorry Marcie, it's an honest mistake." Marcie: " I've known him < Al> for 4 years and I've never seen him dry." Peg: " You've never had sex with him." Al: " I'm a man and a man's home is his coffin." Al: " If you want to bend, dust. If you want to reach, sweep. And if you want sex, let me know and I'll come back when you're done." Peg: " I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with." Peg: " I've killed the healthiest man in Chicago." Al: " You're killing me & you don't seem to care." Peg: " You're different. You've been as good as dead for years." Episode 403: Buck Saves The Day ------------------------------- < It's morning. Kelly comes home from her date> Bud: " That's the dress you wore for your date last night. It's amazing how it keeps its shape in the glove compartment of a car." Kelly: " You need money for a ticket, too." Bud: " Oh, contrair, boy-go-round." Al: " I'd rather slam my nose in a door. I'd rather have a proctologist named Dr. Hook. I'd rather watch Rosanne Barr do a striptease than take these little booger machines camping." Boy: " But you're not the great grandson of Daniel Bundy." Steve: " That's true. my ancestors could read and write." Al: " I'll give this note to Buck. He'll run home and we'll be saved." Bud: " Do you think he can do it?" Al: " Of course he can. I've dropped him off on every part of town and he always finds his way home." Boy: " I want my mommy!" Al: " So does your dad's brother." Bud: " Use you wits." Kelly: " I am." Bud: " No, wits, with a 'W.'" Kelly: " Mommy, he's spelling at me again." Al: " Kids, gather round the flashlight. Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was a young boy. This boy had hope. He was single, thus he was happy. One night, a night much like tonight, it rose from the swamp with a sound "Thump...thump... thump." He saw it by the light of a bar: the evil red headed, high heeled, spandex monster. He ran from it. He stood it up. He dated others. But nothing could stop it. He heard it call "Honey." It traped him. Opened it's mouth, buried it's fangs and said "marry me." Boy: " Did he marry it?" Al: " Yes, he did." Al: " Wherever man is free and has change in his pockets, they'll < women > come-a-creepin' and they can't be stoped." Al: " When we get out of this, what have we learned?" Boy 1: " Never marry." Al: " Yes, no matter how noce they are now. Remember women will get..." Boy 1: " Older." Boy 2: " Meaner." Bud: " Fatter." < Buck howls outside> Peg: " Kelly, can't your dates honk the horn like everyone else?" Episode 404: Tooth And Consequences ----------------------------------- Al: < at front door > "Ah, home sweet hell." Guy: " Hey, Bundy, I'm having steak tonight. What are you having?" Al: " If I was the milkman, I'd be having your wife." Peg: < alarm goes off> "Oh geez, the idiot'll be home soon...< sees Al> Oh, Hi, idiot." Al: " In the privacy of our own home, could you call me Mr. Idiot." Peg: " What were you saying, Al? I wasn't listening." Al: " Oh, nothing important...just something about being a man." Al: " I'm taking a poll." Kelly: " Where are we gonna put a pole?" Bud: " We could put it in your head so we can have a place to hang the sign that says 'Duh.'" Kelly: " Great, you won't let me get my nose pierced but you're gonna put a pole in my head." Al: < to Peg> "You sure you didn't have a one night stand with the Three Stooges." Peg: " I'm a one stooge woman." Al: " I'm taking a vote." Kelly: " I though you were taking a pole." < Al & Peg check kids teeth> Steve: " This is against the law, Al." Al: " So's dressing up a chicken and calling it your wife." Marcie: " I an not a chicken. I am not a chicken." Steve: " Marcie, don't get your feathers ruffled." Marcie: " I love to go to the dentist. A man in white hovering over me while I'm trapped helpless in a chair. He cleans me. He flosses me. His instruments alive in my mouth. And just when I don't think I can take it anymore, he says,'Good girl, Marcie, you can spit now.'" Al: " The Bundy men were known for one thing." Marcie: " Hairy knuckles?" Peg: " The sex drive of a carbunkle?" Al: " Well, actually, we were known for 2 things. One, always having the knack of finding just the right woman...< Al makes a face> ...and teeth." Kelly: " Are you afraid of the dentist?" Al: " I'm a grown man so, of course, I'm deathly afraid." < Kelly tells story> Al: " Thanks." Kelly: " What are daughters for." Al: " I don't know." Bud: " Kelly had a boy here last night." Kelly: " Well, Bud had a girl here last night." Peg: " Yea, like I'm going to believe that. Don't tell stories, Kelly." Peg: " Al, you have an appointment with Marcie's's the address and, if you need a loved one to pick you up, here's the bus schedule." Al: " Dr Plierson...What I need is a Dr Kill-A-Wife." Bud: " Dad, I had a girl here last night." Al: " Bud, I don't have time for your jokes." Al: " I was thinking, doctor. I don't eat. I have no reason to smile. So how about I let 'em drop out, mail 'em to you, you drill 'em and mail 'em back." Doctor: " I'll novacaine you up and have a few drinks and both of us won't feel a thing." Doctor: " Are you married, Al?" Al: " Look into these eyes." Al: " Calm down. I've found out that you can't live in the past... or the present or the future." Episode 405: He Ain't Much, But He's Mine ----------------------------------------- Peg: < to Bud> "We both know, your sister is not a slut. She's only popular!" Peg: " Is that a burger, I smell in your breath?" Al: " No, that's our wedding-cake. That was the last time, I ate!" Al: " Just 'cos I don't tell you I love you and I don't wanna spend time with you and that the sound of your voice makes me sick, don't think I'm cheating on you. You know what I say, why pay for milk when you've got the cow at home." < Marcy flips over a burger> Peg: " Oh, so --- so you like --- reverse it ?" Marcy: " It's called flipping it over. That way it gets cooked on both sides." Peg: " Ah. Gee, I wonder if that would work with pancakes. Oh Marcy, I can't belive it. I've taken the best years of Al's life and this is how he thanks me." Marcy: " Peggy, I really don't think Al's cheating on you. I took an impromptu poll of all the women I know and as far as his desirability, Al ranked below Alf. Which means they'd rather make love to a piece of cloth with a man's hand in it than with your husband." Peg: " What if he's cheating on me?" Marcy: " Stand by your man -- in court. Take him for everything and get yourself a another man -- a real man." Al: " Talk all you want, Peg. Tonight's bowling night. I'm gonna have fun so I can't be with you." Peg: " The only time that Al loos at me is when he wants his beer bottle opened. Like his teeth aren't good enough. Episode 406: Fair Exchange -------------------------- < A French girl stays at the Bundy's> Kelly: " At least I'll get to have a real sister, not just a boy trapped in a pimple's body." Evette: " I'm cold and tired. Where will I be sleeping?" Bud: " My room's upstairs. You'll be sleeping on the left side of the bed." Kelly: " That's 'cos he wets to the right." < Al picks up his steak> Al: " A toast to the French. It's a foul little country but they sure do know how to write a check." Episode 407: Desperately Seeking Miss October --------------------------------------------- Peg: " I need something lucky to rub" Bud: " How about Kelly? Every guy that rubs her gets lucky" Peg: " What's up with men who have to look at other women when they have us at home?" Al: " Well, sometimes when you drive a Dodge you want to close your eyes and dream it's a Ferrari. Peg: " It doesn't matter for you, honey. You don't know how to drive." Brandi: " How much for the shoes?" Al: " They're on the house. After all, you've made it possible for Steve & I to have sex with our wives." Al: " What was I thinking when I said 'I do?" I already had sex with her. I didn't need that again." Episode 408: 976-Shoe --------------------- Peg: " Hi, honey. How was your day?" Al: " I came home. How good could it have been." Peg: " Nobody's stupid enough to call a shoe hot line." Al: " In high school, everyone said no one's stupid enough to marry the big red head. But someone did, didn't they?" Al: " The opera ain't over until the last heterosexual falls asleep." Al: " We still owe $50,000. It's just to another bank. So I'll be broke and living in the gutter. Peg, will you still be there?" Peg: " Al, you know I'll never leave you." Al: " Then I truely have nothing." Al: " I won't roll over and play dead." Peg: " Save something for when we go to bed." Al: " No, my little thumb screw." Episode 409: Oh What A Feeling ------------------------------ < Al & kids are sitting in a new car> Al: " Smell it kids...that's enough, you're using up all the new." Kelly: " There's not enough room the the back." Bud: " That could be because you're not lying down like usual." Kelly: " Dad, don't forget to check if they have rubber seats for his < Bud's > little problem." Peg: " I saw you coming down the street with the new car." Al: " Well, it pushes well but a little hard passing on the expressway." < Al comes in with another car> Peg: " Good choice, this is a much lighter car." Al: " I could almost pull this one." Al: < to family> " How long have I know you guys? 2, 3 hundred years. In that time, I've learned to do without a few things: a yacht, a fancy hime, love, respect, food. I accept that but I won't live another day without a carr that runs." < Al pushes car into his garage> Al: " Yep, one more payment and you're all mine." Kelly: " Hi, daddy. I saw you pushing your car. Doesn't it work?" Al: " Sure it does, honey. It was such a nice day, I didn't want to waste it sitting in the car like all those other people on the freeway." < Al works on car> Bud: " Are you sure you know what you're doing in there?" Al: " Bud, you know you're starting to sound like your mother... Kelly, turn it on." Bud: " Dad, you might want to tell Kelly to use the key or she might start rubbing up against it." Al: " Kelly knows what she's doing, Bud. She's not an idiot... Use the key, honey." < Car makes weird noise and doesn't start> Al: " It's no use. I know that sound. That's a death rattle. I make it myself every morning." Bud: " Hi, Mom." Peg: " Hi, Kelly." Kelly: " Hi, Mom." Peg: " Hi, Bud." Al: " Hi, Peg. And before you say 'hi' to the milkman, it's me." Peg: " I know. I have a nose." Al: " And finally, the fruits of my suffereing < the $$> ." Kelly: " I thought we < her & Bud> were the fruits of your suffering." Al: " No, you're the vegatables of my suffering...I buried this box so deep that even the devil herself, your mother, couldn't find it." Al: " I have a family announcement to make and, since I don't have a real family, I'll say it to you < Peg & the kids> ." Episode 410: At The Zoo ----------------------- < A girl scout is trying to sell cookies to Al> Girl: " Its food, Bundy. You can't tell me you're not hungry. My daddy says you eat bugs and dirt. " Al: " You go tell your daddy that you have the mailman's eyes!" Bud: " Guess what Uncle Steve showed us at the Zoo today?" Al: " A family of vultures pecking the eyes out of the daddy." Steve: " Do you know what I want?" Peg: " I know you look at me and think of eye candy, but it can never be for 2 reasons: 1) I belong to another and 2) You couldn't handle the ride." Steve: " I can't handle the thought." Episode 411: Who'll Stop The Rain? ---------------------------------- Al: " Boy, I love the rain. Have since I was a little boy. Dad used to say the rain is the sound of angels flushing." < Al is trying to repair the roof for the second time> Al: " Alright, who's going up with...besides Bud?" Bud: " Dad, if you really expect someone to go up on that roof with you, they have to be a total moron." Kelly: " Oh, No. I'm not going up there." < After several failures of Al to repair the leaking roof> Bud: " Loser no more, eh Dad? Can we call a roofer now?" Al: " No, we can't. I'm going back up there. But this time, I'm going up with the right equipment." Peg: " A Wile E. Coyote mask?" Al: " No, my love. The thing to do is have the right shoe." Kelly: " And the left one, too, dad." Episode 412 & 413: It's A Bundyful Life --------------------------------------- Al: " Christmas isn't a time for regret. That's what anniversaries are for." < Peg has on lingerie with a Christmas bow> Peg: " Come open your present, Al." Al: " Where is it?" Peg: " It's me!" Al: " Peg, why'd you get me the same old thing I didn't play with last year?" Guardian Angel: " You're going to have to give me a few moments on this. I thought I came down here to save a human soul" Guardian Angel: " Don't worry Bundy, I checked this guy's future. According to this by the time he's 50 his stomach will be so ulcer ridden that ... Oh that's you" Al: " Bud, quick what's more important: Money or Love" Bud: " Money, Dad. I can always rent love" Al: " Well this was great! What do we do now go to the night I should have been conceived and watch my father invent the Condom!" Guardian Angel: " Well I failed Bundy, I was supposed to come down here to give you a reason to live. I can't think of one. I am depressed" Peg: " Yes I saved myself for marriage" Al: " Oh come on! The Football team retired her (Peg) jersey" Guardian Angel: " No Bundy, much like a neutered dog, you don't get it" Al: " Peg, you recognize me?" Peg: " Of course I do, Al. Why do you think I didn't help you up" Peg: " I knew it would pay to breast feed you (Bud) until you were 9" Episode 414: Rock And Roll Girl ------------------------------- Al: " Marice just gave me an idea. Actually two. One, I want chicken tonight and, 2, I'm discontinuing your allowance." Kelly: " Get a job, me. God did not create this package to work." Bud: " He didn't mean it to be a serving tray at a biker's party, either." Bud: " The Gutter Cats are having auditions for rock video slut. Get into you sleasiest dress." Kelly: " Which one?" Bud: " The one dad calls your belt." Kelly: " What if I don't get the job? What if I'm not slutty enough?" Bud: " Not slutty enough? You've got 'tramp' written all over your face." Peg: " How about giving me $100 for sex, Al? That's $50 a minute." Al: " Peg, I forgot to tell you, it has to be something someone wants." Al: " Peg, you're qualified for many things: spirit squaher, hope dasher, age accelerator." < Al & Steve look at video sluts on TV> Steve: " Man, look at what it looks like before you marry it." < ...Still looking at TV> Steve: " Look at the blonde hanging all over the drummer like a coat. Boy, I'd like to give her a...oops, sorry Al, that's your daughter." Episode 415: A taxing Problem ----------------------------- < Bud comes in with Buck> Kelly: " How'd it go?" Bud: " Still constipated. If he was any tighter, you could wear him to the prom." Al: " I'm selling the lawn furniture" Man: " How much do you want for it?" Al: " $10,000" Peg: " It cost $40, 15 years ago" Al: " So did you" < Kelly comes in wearing skin-tight clothes> Kelly: " Well, I passed math. French, too, and I'm not even taking it" Kelly: " They [men] have no repect for our hair. They only use it to pull us up, pull us down." < Al's heading to prison> Al: " I'll need toilet paper, 2-ply white, a harmonica, and a picture of mommy in case thoughts of escape cross my mind...Did you get me cigarettes, kids? It's for my new boyfriend, Bubba." Peg: " Well, Al, if he only smokes after sex, a 1/2 pack'll do ya" Kelly: " What's 'audited?'" Bud: " It's when the government takes all your money and throws you in jail." Kelly: " But, just dad ,right? Bud: " Yes." Kelly: " Then the hell with it." Bud: " Come on, dad. You got 2 more days 'til the audit." Al: " Why wait? I'm guilty. What's my defense? Your mother's an idiot. Besides, I deserve to be punished. I married your mother." Steve: " I want to be a rodeo clown. You know, something with the land. The thing is, hos do I tell Marcie?" Al: " Well now. Thats a thorny one, Steve. Let's say I give it some thought while I'm making my wedding vows in a prison chapel to a guy named 'Rock.'" Peg: " Why is everybody staring at me? I'm not the only one in this family with hair. Bud, what about you?" Bud: " Yea, right. I'd be quite the lady killer as a 15 year old bald kid with no money, Yul Bundy." Kelly: " Well, don't look at me. I've got finals coming up." Peg: " $5000! Oh, Al, that's more than we'd make if you did have an education." Al: " No bad for a guy stupid enough to marry you...Well, I'll go pay my taxes and then the only prison I'll be in is the one I created for myself." Episode 416: You Gotta Know When To Fold'em, Pt 1 ------------------------------------------------- Bud: " The TV's gone." < Al checks it out> Kelly: " By the way, so is mom." Al: " Wait a minute, let's not gloss over this TV thing." < Peg sells Al's TV for $$ and leaves for Vegas> Al: " Yes, officer, a description...Let me calm down. It's getting hard to talk. 19" diagonal, maple console, notches on the side where the kids grew up..." Bud: " Dad, what about mom?" Al: " Oh, yea, my wife's missing, too." Peg: " I need to do something new." Al: " That's easy. Next week try watching TV with your mouth closed." Peg: " I need a vacation." Al: " If you wanna visit someplace new, try the kitchen. Don't forget to take a picture by the refrigerator. You know, 'Ole Empty.'" Marcie: " God, I hate men." Al: " I thought you were man's best friend...Oh, that's a dog not a chicken." Peg: " Marcie, you don't need a man. What are they good for? They pick. They burp. They let one fly and then the sit there like they just won the Nobel prize. And once a month they roll over on you on the way to the bathroom and the call that lovin." Episode 417: You Gotta Know When To Fold'em, Pt 2 ------------------------------------------------- Al: " I want you to fan out and if you find mommy, or something daddy'd like a little better, give the Bundy yell." Bud: " I wanna die?" Al: " That's the one." < Marcy picks a man at the bar> Marcy: " Three dollars. Boy, they don't pay these federal agents anything." < Kelly can predict the roulette numbers> Bud: " How do you do it?" Kelly: " I just let my mind go blank." Bud: " What do you mean 'let it?' How do you stop it?" < Kelly can predict the roulette numbers> Bud: " Kelly, marry me. Damn the law!" < Al's thinking> Marcy: " Peggy, he hasn't moved for an hour." Peg: " Maybe he thinks he's having sex." Al: " If I was, you'd just come in and spoil it." < Al is surrounded by babes and rescues Peggy> Al: " No problem miss. Always ready to help a lady in distress and this dress and this dress and ..." Peg: " There is a way to win 10000 dollars." Al: " What do I do, Peg? Sell everything I own 20000 times?" < The GLOW girl is Big Bad Mama in stead of a Big Bosomy Babe> Peg: " It's 10000 dollars, Al." Al: " That's a dollar a pound." Peg: " You're the man. What are you going to do?" Al: " If I was really the man, I would've married the TV and left you at Sears." Lady: " I like a man who's on top of things." Al: " And I like a woman with things on top." Peg: " Well, Al, what are we gonna do now?" Al: " Let's go for it all. Let's have a couple of more kids by mistake and move in with your mother." Episode 418: What Goes Around Comes Around ------------------------------------------ < Bud wants to ask Kelly for advice and interrupts her dance with one of her dates> Kelly: " You're the only one for me.....Bud, what are you doing? Can't you see that I was working." < Kelly makes a plea for the fact men are stupid.> Kelly: " The prostitution rests." < Bud plans revenge on a girl> Bud: " Phase 1 is now complete." Kelly: " What's phase 2? You touch her on the knee and cry." Bud: " Not quite, she whose head is never seen in a car." Al: " Peg, I was thinking. Maybe I should take a print of your backside. So, if the couch is ever stolen, the police can match the prints to on of the cushions." Bud: " Dad, when you were in school, did some girl do something to you so bad that it ruined your life." Al: " Yes, and you call that girl 'mom' now." Peg: " I found your athletic supporter. Let's see 'XS.' It must stand for 'extra snug.' Should I write 'front' and 'back' on it like I do you underwear?" Al: " While we're writing on each other's underwear, give me a pair of yours so I can draw a skull and crossbones on it." < Al gives homecoming speech> Al: "...Sure women like football before you marry 'em. But afterwards, the only hike you see is them hicking up their pants before they weld their backsides to the couch... and talking about flying wench, let's talk about my mother-in- law. People overuse the term 'as big as the planet' but try to imagine everybody you know under one mumu..." Episode 419: Raingirl --------------------- Peg: < to Kelly> " Quitting school is a big step. I mean, that's where we get our pens and pencils!" < Al pays bills & Bud has all the antacid medicine> Peg: " What would you like to start with?" Al: " Something light. The gas bill...Pen..Bromo...Morgage...Pepto... Dept Store < very big bill > ...Shotgun < as he looks at Peg> ." Peg: " Can't we go any faster? Let's pretend we're upstairs. I know, I'll yell 'not yet,' that always seems to speed you up." Kelly: " They're gonna make me work nights." Bud: " So come dawn, when we're wondering where you are, we'll just check the TV instead of the bushes." Kelly: " Go dance alone in your underwear." Peg: " Al, the kids are arguing again. Will you talk to them?" Al: " Talking to them won't make them go away." Peg: " Um, graduation. Kelly, maybe it's time we had a little talk. You're getting to be a big girl now. There's something I've put off telling you for a while but time is slipping by fast. I don't want you to learn it in the streets. Honey, there's a thing that men will want you to do. In fact, they'll expect it. Now, no woman really enjoys it. But we do it, get them to marry us and never do it again. That horrible thing is called 'work.'" Kelly: " Hold me, mom. I'm scared." Peg: " But honey, the important thing is to do it early while you're still young. That way, when your husband comes home reeking of beer and wantin' some lovin,' you'll follow that fat rump upstairs because you know, no matter how disgusting the next 3 minutes will be, it sure beats the hell out of working." Kelly: " Mom, you're so wise." Peg: " You can't sit on the couch for 20 hours a day without learning something." Kelly: " I've got a job for $1000 a week." Peg: " We're rich." Bud: " She's finally turning pro." Peg: " Al, come brown nose with us." Al: " I think it's a terrible world where someone without a high school diploma makes more that someone important like a PhD or a shoe salesman." Al: " Bud, someday you'll marry some woman like the one killing dear old dad." Kelly: " Can I ask you a favor?" Al: " Kelly, you don't even have to ask. Peg, take the boy and the dog and get the hell out of here." Episode 420: Peggy Turns 300 ---------------------------- < To Puggy> Al: " Al 'the King' Bundy will now do to your record, what time has done to your face." Puggy: " Still a long way to 256, Bundy." Al: " Not for your wife, Pucky." < Al explains the Bundy curse to the kids because Peggy is breaking his record> Al: " It's what keeps us from being happy. There's no point in fighting it. It's what separates us from the ordinary losers. They can have their moments, but not us. Never us." Kelly: " But mom is having a major moment now and she's a Bundy." Al: " She's not truly a Bundy. You see, your mother is just a Bundy by marriage. She's part of the curse. But we are blood Bundies. We are truly doomed." < Bud's filming Al trying to break the alley's all-time score. Al's just coming in the door> Al: " Bud, did you get your mom in the picture?" Bud: " Yea, dad." Al: " Rewind" < Al heads back outside for another take> < discussion about birth signs> Peg: " Just wait until I find out when your birthdays are!" Kelly: " Mine's in Februaru. I'm an aquarium!" Bud: " And an empty one." Peg: " I'm going out with my man tonight." Kelly: " Where should we tell dad you went?" Al: " I'm been training for weeks: avoiding anything that would burt me: red wine, red heads." Peg: " And those energy draining showers." Al: " Behind every successful man, there's a woman who didn't marry me." Peg: " Wouldn't it be great if I broke your record?" Al: " That would be the icing on the tomb stone." Peg: " We had a camera on our honeymoon but you kept beating the flash." Al: " If you remember, Peg, I was doing fine 'til you got there." Marcie: " Is there no limit to how low you'll stoop." Al: " I wouldn't kiss you on a bet." Episode 421: Peggy Made A Little Lamb ------------------------------------- < Kelly and peg are in same home ec classs> Kelly's freind: " Hey, Kelly, wanna vandalize the cemetary tonight?" Kelly: < looking at Peg> " No, Lisa, that would be wrong." Kelly: " Can I get a tattoo?" Peg: " Didn't we have this discussion when you were 8? No tattoos above the waist for any member of this household. Can't we learn from Grandma's mistake? At her age with love and hate tattooed on her breasts. With those verbs hanging around her knees today." Peg: " It seems I failed one stupid little class: home economics." Kelly: " Gee, what a shock!" Teacher: " Miss Bundy, why can't you be more like Reuben < teacher's pet> ?" Kelly: " Well, we both like boys." Al: " Anything for dinner, Peg?" Peg: " Get a wife!" < Al comes downstairs in the middle of the nights> Al: " Can't sleep with that damn woman in my bed." < Peg and the kids are looking at her yearbook> Peg: " Now here's the perfect example of what not to do in your yearbook graduation picture: pose with your baby." Kelly: " Who's the hunk?" Peg: " That`s your father." Bud: " What's that on his face?" Peg: " That's a smile." Kelly: < to Bud> " Margie thinks she's so cool because mer mom has a plate in her head. Wait'll she finds out our mom's a drop out." Bud: " What class did you fail, mom?" Peg: " Home economics." Kelly: " Gee, what a shock." Episode 422: The Agony Of Defeet -------------------------------- Kelly: " What's a simpleton?" Bud: " An idiot, moron, dolt, dullard, creaton. You know, someone a little smarter than you." < Al has a nightmare> Al: < to Peg> " For the first time, since the first time, I'm glad to see you in bed." Al: " Haven't we had enough sex in our lives? When does it get to be over?" Peg: " When you're officially dead...Now get on." Al: " Aren't my nightmares enough?" Episode 423: Yard Sale ---------------------- Kelly: " Dad, do what mom says and marry someone with a job." Al: " My mom said to marry an anchor and cling to it as it sinks to the bottom." < Peg comes in with boar's head> Al: " What've you got there?" Peg: " A boar's head." Al: " No, behind your back." Al: " I already have 3 leetches. What do I need a boar's head for?" Al: " I'm gonna do with it what I should've done with you right after our wedding: strap it to the hood of the car and take it back to the woods where it belongs." Al: " Peg, why do you have a boar's head?" Peg: " The glassy eyes, the stuffing for brains, nothing below the waist. Strap it to a toilet and it could be you." Al: " Unlike me, someone cared enough for it to put a bullet through its head." Marcie: " My mother would have a garage sale every summer. She'd sell everything including the training bra off my back." Al: " What were you? 25." Marcie: " 13 and making more money than you." Peg: " I can't believe you're selling my whole life's work." Al: " I'm not selling everythindg. I'm keeping my knotted bowls." Al: " I wanna be like him < Buck> . Sure you eat the private parts of horses but when you go to the bathroom on the lawn they say you did good. Al: " Lawn sales are based on the bigger idiot theory. But there's 1 flaw in the system: soon you get to the biggest idiot and you call her mom." Al: " Remember the Bundy credo: A bundy never wins." Bud: " No, it's a Bundy never eats." Kelly: " No, it's a Bundy never learns." Bud: " No, it's a Bundy never cares." Marcie: " I've got a date." Al: " They're probably selling parkas in hell now." Peg: " What's he like? Is he rich? Is he handsome?" Al: " Is he sighted?" Marcie: " My mistake was looking for a man to love when all I need is a man to hurt." Peg: " Are you gonna have sex with him? Al: " You heard her say she wanted to hurt him." Al: " Have I told you not to marry?" Bud: " Yea, dad" Al: " Have I told you not to be a shoe salesman?" Bud: " Yea, dad" Al: " Well, I guess I told you everything I know." Al: " It could be like one of those Wanker ho-downs, where everyone gathers 'round the still and plays 'spin the cousin'" Peg: " You're looking at a whole new Peggy" Al: " Yea, maybe this one won't find her way home" Peg: " I was down at the Friedman's garage sale. Do you know what thay said?" Al: " Why does your husband go on living?" Peg: " No one knows I'm married. They say all my stuff is junk." Al: " I told you that." Peg: " But they're strangers. I care what they think." Al: < to peg> " We're broke and you're stupid and the 2 don't match. We don't need anything to be miserable, we've got each other." < Marcie comes in to the Bundy's house> Marcie: " Yoo Hoo." Al: " See, Peg, this is why I tell you to lock the door." Episode 501: Al... With Kelly ----------------------------- < Al won't visit Pegs mother> Peg: " Mom is gonna be really disappointed. You know ever since her dog Rusty died, the only comfort she has is peting your head till she falls asleep." Al: " I'm not a Labrador Retriever. And I never bought the fact that a full grown dog could accidentally wrap itself in bacon and fall in a microwave oven." Peg: " Oh what other explanations could there have been?" Al: " Well, maybe he could have told us if his mouth hadn't accidentally been toothpick shut." Peg: " You know I don't know, they find one flea collar in your bed and you're branded for life as a dog eater." < Peg leaves for her mother> Peg: " You gonna miss me honey?" Al: " Well I can't until you leave." Peg: " You know I left you plenty of food. It's at the supermarket." < Al and Kelly are home alone> Al: " Now Kelly, we're gonna be spending a whole week together. You might hear a 'Yipee' or a 'Yow' from me. That doesn't mean I don't miss your mom. Just like changing the locks doesn't mean I don't want her back. Adults express their sadness in different ways. I express mine by doing the bump." Kelly: " Daddy, now we're gonna have a week for ourselves and I thought that it would be a good idea if we did something together, you know we never have." Al: " Well sure we did. On the day you were born I carried you from the hospital and ten years later we had ice cream and now, here we are." Kelly: " Okay, how about if we just talk?" Al: " Great. So how is school?" Kelly: " I'm outta school daddy." Al: " Good, great. So < thinks about a question> how old are you?" Kelly: " Well, going by the numbers of birthday parties that you've thrown for me, I'm 3." Al: " God how the years go by." Kelly: " You don't know much about me, do you?" Al: " Well, I do know that I carried you from the hospital the day you were born. I remember, because I accidentally left you on the top of the car. I was about to drive away, when I heard this sad little voice say 'Stop you're forgetting me'. So I get out, let your mother in and there you were." Kelly: " Oh daddy. I never felt so close to you. So this week let's make sure, that we never see each other. Okay?" Al: " I think this will bring us even closer together." Kelly: " See you next week. Bye dad." Kelly: " Daddy, I'm sick. Will you make me some toast?" Al: " Well Kelly, you were here all day. Couldn't you make some yourself?" Kelly: " No." Al: " You are your mothers daughter, aren't you? Would you mind telling me, why you couldn't make some?" Kelly: " Isn't it obvious? Because I'm sick and if I'd touch the bread, then I would get my germs on it and then I would be eating my own germs. Oh and another reason is, we don't have any bread." Al: " Well, if we don't have any bread, how can you expect me to make toast?...< Kelly gives Al a look> ... Ah no. Why didn't you call me at the store, so I could pick some bread up on the way home?" Kelly: " Isn't it obvious? Because if I use the phone, then I would be getting germs on it and then I would be talking to my own germs. Come on, give me some bread daddy." Al: " Wait, I'm just waiting to hear something... < thunder rolls, it starts raining> ... Now I can go." Pizza Boy: " You owe me $7.50, plus a tip." Al: " I give you a tip...< Al bangs the Pizza boy's head against the door> ...Doors are hard. Keep the change." Kelly: " I love you daddy. Do you love me?" Al: " Well. Love, hate. Look we're a family, what's the difference?" Al: " Kelly, go be sick in your room. daddy wants to watch topless-wrestling." Kelly: " No, you can't daddy, because tonight is the big music video countdown. It's the top 10,000 classic videos of 1989. Oh come on, watch with me maybe you'll see one of your favorites." Al: " Oh well, I really like the oldies. You know 'See me, touch me, feel me, marry me, kill me'." < Kelly does something stupid> Al: " For the lack of one condom, an entire life was ruined." Kelly: " Daddy. I can't sleep." Al: " Well have you tried counting something, like the seconds you have left to live?" Kelly: " I want you to tell me a bedtime story. You know, like you never did when I was a child. Please?" Al: " It's not going to work." Kelly: " Pleeeeeeease?" Al: " Okay. It's not a happy story, it's a story of great sadness: Once upon a time, there was a man who sold shoes. He was a good man, but somehow good things never came to him. Did I mention he was a great athlete in high school? People cheere him. That was before the red thing appeared. Darkness fell on shoe-town. Who would take on the red beast? Who would battle it? Who would marry it? The little shoeman stepped forward -- or perhaps the others just stepped back? At any rate, an unholy union was born. So were two unholy children. And the lonely shoeman, who once had been a mighty athlete in high school and scored four touchdowns in one game and had many offers to junior colleges and could have made something of his life...laid down and died. The End." < Al dreams of fabulous babe> Babe 1: " Aaaal." Al: " As in 'Al night long'?" Babe 1: " As in 'Al I want'!" Al: " Then, Al you shall have." < Al hugs babe 1. Babe 2 walks in> Babe 2: " Honey I'm home. Al Hercules Bundy, who is this person?" Babe 1: " Who's this Alse?" Babe 2: " Well?" Babe 1: " Well?" Al: " Well, obviously I'm having a hell of a dream. Rather than go into an explanation which could take a while, why don't you two fight over me while I watch and take pictures. And the winner can have me first...and third and fifth..." Kelly: " God I feel great. I'm so glad I'm over with that cold. It was death. So how are you you today daddy?" Al: " I'm better. My fever is down to a 120." Kelly: " Well, I just want to thank you for taking care of me all week. That was very sweet of you daddy. And if there is anything you want, you just ask." Al: " Well, thank you honey. I could use maybe a little crust of..." < horn sounds outside> Kelly: " Oops. I gotta go. Bye." Al: " No eat, no drink, no money have I not. Well, at least there is one thing they can't take away from me." < Al falls asleep> Female voice: " Aaal, Al." Al: " Coming." < Al looks up and sees a big, fat nurse> Nurse: " It's enema time." Al: " Someone ring the bell. Oh God, I can't wake up." Episode 502: We'll Follow The Sun --------------------------------- Peg: " Did you miss me?" Al: " With every bullet so far!" Peg: " Maybe you need a bigger gun!" Bud: " When I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophmore, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush it myself." < Family is stuck in the traffic jam> Peg: " Al, we haven't moved an inch in hours." Al: " I can heat that in the bedroom." Marcie: " I spent my 2 week vacation at a seminar "You Are What You Were." Al: " So you are a chicken." Al: " Your happiness sickens me. Everybody but me is looking at good times. But for me it's been one long continuous year since I got married. Actually, I long month: Hell-uary." Peg: " Do you know what you need? A good night job." Al: " Is that all I am to you? An oxen to be worked in the filed 'til he drops dead." Peg: " Well, gee, honey, what did you think you were to us?" Al: " Perhaps husband. Perhaps father. Perhaps the man who's about to run amock with a meat cleaver if he doesn't have any fun." Episode 503: Sue Casa, His Casa ------------------------------- Al: " When the going gets tough,the tough.. runs like a thief in the night!" Peg: " You know what they say in Wanker county." Al: " Nothing spells loving like marrying your cousin." Kelly: " The car's mine. I don't want to be standing on the corner again with guys hissing at me as they drive by." Al: " Sorry, pumpkin, we didn't know it was you." Al: < talking on phone> "When you insult my wife, you don't insult me." Peg: " What did he say, Al?" Al: " Nothing I haven't said before." Al: " I've said we're broke before and you were brave about it and spent anyway but we're really broke this time. Peg, what can you do without?" Peg: " Apparently an orgasm.," Al: " Way to get one. Kelly, what can you do without?" Kelly: " I think we can all do without war." Al: " Don't you think you should've gained more than 5 pounds when you were pregnant now, Peg." < Al pays some bills> Al: " I'm signing now, Lord. Please smite me before I get to the 'Y.'" < Peg finishes Al's signature> Peg: " Another thing that you start that I have to finish." Bud: " All my friends are driving." Al: " If all your friends were getting married, would you?" Al: " Let this be a lesson to you. Never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a wedding chapel." Al: " I was listening to the oldies station at 1500 watts so I couldn't hear the siren. Police cars today are equipped with rammers so he eased me into the guard rail. Lucky, the cop liked oldies so he beat me with his night stick to the tune of ' Hey, Jude.' Then he wrote me up 18 tickets including the one for bleeding on his pad." < Al puts on long hair wig> Peg: " You look like Tarzan if he were old and gay." Al: " If you were Jane, he would be." Al: " Insurance is like marriage. You pay & pay but you never get anything back." Judge: " Mr. Bundy, would you please explain why your wife is wearing a neck brace when she wasn't involved in the accident." Peg: " Let me explain it, your honor. It's sex whiplash but it is accident realted. You see, when we were in bed, Al was thinking about the jillion dollars and just lost control. He caught me off guard. He moved." Peg: " Al, your Dodge, with the high blue book value of $70, sliced right through that Kraut car. It's times like these that I'm proud to be an American." Al: " Good, then it'll be your job to make sure that Old Glory is flying over our heads when we're in line for free cheese." < Al loses the law suit> Bud: " I somehow feel responsible." Al: " Come here, Bud. Let me choke you 'til you feel better." Kelly: " You're not mad at me, are you, daddy?" Al: " How many fists am I holding up?" Episode 504: The Unnatural -------------------------- < Peg is hugging Sven> Al: " Who's that with the backpack shaped like my wife?" Guy: " Your replacement." Al: " Good, now I can concentrate on my softball." Al: " You can't get rid of me. You need a unanimous vote. The best you could get is 6 to 3." Guy: " 7 to 2" Al: " Why, Peg?" Al: " Why can't we guys age gracefully like you gals. You put makeup on your face and you clean & jerk yourself into a bra. Then you put tights over your front and back belly and got to the store to flirt with the bag boy." Peg: " Al, when you were talking about women, you didn't mean me, did you?" Al: " I never do." Bud: " We got an ice pack on his head, a heat pack on his back, and a 6 pack down this throat." Peg: " How is he?" Bud: " Sore, brunk, and blue." Peg: " Just like the night we made you." Guy: < to Peg> " He < Sven> bats .380, has a cannon for an arm, and runs like children from your husband." Kelly: " It can be unanimous or out loud. You're not getting rid of my daddy. Like I wrote in my 4th grade essay: Daddy good, sleepy now.'" Guy: " We still have a chance at the championship." Bud: " We don't care about winning. We're not gonna take him away from the game he he'll beat the living crap out of us." Peg: " Kids, why don't you take the bats downstairs. You know, somewhere out of reach of your father, like success." Peg: " It was embarassing how you missed everything out there today. It was like you were in the bathroom." Al: " Peg, I told you, it's all injury related. Once I heal, I'll be batting .400 again, in both cases." Episode 505: Dance Show ----------------------- < Al is eagerly waiting for a pizza, when the doorbell rings and Marcie is standing there> Al: "Well, it's flat and cheesy, but it's not a pizza" Al: "Look! It's Frosty No-Man" < == about Marcie < Peg & guy are dancing> Peg: " You know, I haven't done it in 2 years." Guy: " You haven't danced in 2 years?" Peg: " I haven't danced in 12 years." Bud: " I need $20 fast. Look what I have waiting for me." Al: " She's a tramp < Al hands over the $$ > " Peg: " Come dancing with me. Hold me like you used to." Al: " That was after a 6 pack and a dare." Peg: " It's getting harder and harder to fight off the guys." Al: " Whatever you do, don't feed him. That'll really hurt." Al: " Feed me or feed me to something. I just want to be part of the food chain." Al: " You know what I want to do? I was looking in the newlyweds' window down the block. I wanna do what they wre doing." Peg: " You kinky devil." Al: " They were eating." Guy: " Your wife is seeing my husband." Al: " Let me get this straight, pardon the expression, my wife is seeing your husband." Guy: " Yes." Al: " You know you're a man." Guy: " Yes." Al: " You say your husband was dancing with my wife?" Guy: " Yes" Al: " Well, that's 3 guys that won't touch my wife. What's the problem?" Guy: " Before me, Andy had a woman." Al: " Before Peg, I had a woman, too." Episode 506: Kelly Bounces Back ------------------------------- < Peg is on strike> Al: " This's been the best two weeks of my life. The uncertainty is gone. Accepting your utter uselessness has freed me. Since I've been taking care of myself, the foods better, conversation is better and without sex, my hair is coming back!!" Peg: " It's not coming back honey, it's just growing up out of your nose...!" < Bud goes with Kelly to model school> Bud: " I heard you that girls like to watch your weight. Care for a Bud Light?" < Kelly trying to introduce the Car of Tommorrow, the new Allante> Kelly: " I'm getting an idea! How about this: The neeeew .... what's the name of the stupid car?" Bud: " Kelly, why don't you just write it on your hand like you do your name!" Kelly: " Wait! Topeka! I have found it!!" Bud: " I ... I don't think you mean Topeka, Kel." Kelly: " Oh yeah, that's right, I ment...Urethra!!" Al: " Gee your honour, I don't know where that shotgun came from. Al: " Gee officer, if I thought my wife was missing, whould I be in this bar and drinking a beer ? Episode 507: Married With Aliens -------------------------------- Al: " Peg, 3 little greem aliens came in and stole my socks." Peg: " Were they greem before or after they stole your socks?" Peg: " Al? Al?... I guess he's not home." Marcie: " He can't be far. The stench of failure's still in the air." Peg: " We were just discussing who was going to pick you up." Al: " Why didn't you do what you did on our wedding night. Have a couple of uncles baseball bat my knees and throw me in a trunk or are they still in Wanker County where, as Einstein says, everyone is relative." < Al is waiting for aliens and Peg is talking> Al: " Peg, don't you know by now that nothing reveals itself in this bedroom wile you're talking." Peg: " You've been sitting there for 3 hours doing nothing. If you're gonna do that you might as well get a job at the post office." Episode 508: Wabbit Season -------------------------- Kelly: " Work's a bummer. Luckily, I'm a pretty girl so I don't have to." Peg: " We're home now, honey. Remember? 2 kids, a dog, a bedroom upstairs where you disappoint your wife." Al: " The doctor said I should get a hobby: start a vegatable garden." Bud: " You started a vegatable garden when you had Kelly." Al: < to Peg> "Soon you'll be a cookin', a cleanin', and a servin' & I'll be a eatin', a belchin', and a purgin'." Al: " As Farmer Iggy says, 'Wife standin' near, soon comes a tear.'" Bud: " You've had the hose on for 4 hours and the ground's not even wet. Where's all the water going?" Al: " How should I know. I don't even know where it comes from. I just wish I could go with it." Al: " If dynomite was dangerous, do you think they'd sell it to an idiot like me." Episode 509: Do Ya Think I'm Sexy --------------------------------- Bud: " Kelly, are you sure the power's off?" Kelly: " For the 1000th time, the power's off." < Bud goes to fix doorbell and electrocutes himself> Bud: " Kelly, spell 'off.' Spell it!!" Kelly: " O-something." Bud: " Now, I'm going to go change my underwear and we'll try this again. Maybe you can go the extra mile and get a bucket of water for me to stand in." < Al takes his shirt off> Peg: " Where are you going?" Al: " Where does it look like I'm going?" Peg: " Mr Puddin' Belly tryouts." Peg: " Marcie, this is big. Al the morning. The only time he used to shower was after sex. Immediately after sex. Sometimes during." Marcie: " According to the book I just read 'Keep Em Down, Keep Em Down, Keep Em Down: A Woman's Guide to Happiness,' you don't really have to worry until a man stops buying white underwear. The time to sweat is when men buy underwear in a tube. You know, the bright colored ones that fat European men wear as bathing suits." Al: " It was every man's dream to be kept by a woman who's skirt was as short as the life spans of the man she chooses." Episode 510: One Down, Two To Go -------------------------------- Kelly: " Go upstairs and 'Nick at Might' yourself to sleep. I need use of the couch." Bud: " I was here first. And do you remember the last time you and a victim used the couch? We had to defly it." Al: " In order to make a house a home, only one can make the rules and in this house...< Al whispers> ..the rules are made by the man." Al: " Threats don't work with me." Peg: < Yells from upstairs> "Nobody's rubbing my touchy." Al: " Because I've already been to hell." < Kelly leaves> Peg: " My baby's gone. Hold me, Al." Al: " I didn't hold you when we conceived her. Why should I hold you now?" Peg: " Can we have another child?" Al: " I'd rather jump off the Sears Tower and dive head first into a tack. I'd rather bait a crocodile with my manhood which, I believe, got me into trouble in the first place." Peg: " Bud, was I a good mother?" Bud: " You must've been. I was the only 8 month who could change his own diapers." Episode 511: And Baby Makes Money --------------------------------- < Bud & Kelly look through photo album> Kelly: " Why do we have to X out the dead guy?" Bud: " Dad says it helps out at Christmas time. Never send presents to someone who won't send them back." Kelly: " Then why don't we X out mom and dad?" Bud: " Soon enough, Kel. Soon enough." Peg: " Then there's the 10 months of pregnancy." Marcie: " 10?" Peg: " Male Bundy's never want to come out. And once they do, they never wanna go back in." Peg: " Picture me in a pink teddy." Al: " I need some real incentive." Peg: " Picture yourself sitting in front of a big screen TV." Al: " 40 inch?" Peg: " I wish." Al: " I can't believe it. 2 weeks and she's not pregnant. It's like having two menial jobs." Kelly: " What if they do have another baby? What will that be for me?" Bud: " A tutor." Episode 512: Married...With Who ------------------------------- < Peg gives a Cosmo test to Al> Peg: " Who would you rather spend the night with: A, your wife, or B..." Al: " B." Marcie: " I woke up with a man in the bed and I don't know who he is." Al: " That's easy. He slpet with you, he's the stupidest man on Earth." Bud: " We have enough < on Marcie> to tell the neighbors." Kelly: " Sell the neighbors." Bud: " Do you do nothing for free?" Al: < to Jefferson> " Run, run, run like the wind, runs like there's no tomorrow, run like Mexican water through a first time tourist but, the key word is, run." Jefferson: " Al, do you know that there's a little rain cloud that hovers only over your house?" Al: " It showed up after the kids were born." Al: < on phone> " I'm catering a wedding. I expect about 60 people so I need a couple pounds of cold cuts...ah, huh...and what kind of animal would that be?...ah, huh...12 cents a pound. That's pretty steep. Can you throw in some beaks and claws?" Episode 513: Look Who's Barking ------------------------------- < Buck is outside> Kelly: " What have we learned?" Buck: < thinking> " That when you're frozen solid, you really don't think that much about sex." Episode 514: The Godfather -------------------------- Bud: " What bothers me is that you < Al & Peg> don't involve me in the family business anymore...I'm not Fredo. Kelly's Fredo... And I'm not letting you take me fishing." Kelly: " How come you don't believe I'm me?" Al: " Kelly, it's not that we don't believe you. We don't believe in love." Peg: " That's why our marriage works." Peg: " You're dating someone old enough to be my father." Al: " She's not dating Lincoln." < Al's alone with Peg> Al: " What whould I do?" Peg: " You could lead the 'Failure Pride' parade atop a float made of meter maid shoes. Or is that getting in you business. Al: " White crosses, sunlight. Nothing works on you, does it?" Al: " I beeped, you know." Peg: " No, you didn't. You're always saying you did things when you didn't. And I'm not just talking about sex." Al: " Peg, when you married me was it pre-meditated or a drive-by marriage?" Peg: " Either way, I missed." Al: " Home, work, can a man have too much fun?" Al: " Am I truly nothing? Could the neighborhood children be right?" < door slams> Peg: < to Al> " That could be Kelly with her new boyfriend. Take care of him quick, like you do me." Guy: " I'm an aldreman." Kelly: " That's a priest." Guy: " Actually, it's like a city councilman." Kelly: " Then why dod you want me to call you 'father?'" Peg: " To think, all along we thought that you'd < Bud> be the success in the family. Boy, were we wrong.? Bud: " Maybe I should throw on a pair of Speedo's and parade around in front of Sandra Day O'Connor." Peg: " Bud, don't be jealous, you're both of our children. It's just that Kelly is our favorite now." Kelly: " You could have thrown me for a fruit loop. But I guess the signs were there that he was married: The wedding ring, the diapers in the back seat of the station wagon and the late night calls from that crazy woman saying 'Stay away from my husband, you little tramp.'" Episode 515: A Man's Castle --------------------------- Bud: " Are you absolutely sure you're my father?" Al: " You think, I didn't run for an immediate bloodtest?" Bud: " You don't know what the guys say about me. They say: Bud, Bud, alone he'll sit, Bud, Bud, he'll touch no..." Al: " I don't wanna talk about you!" Al: " Back then, mother meant cooking but then gay meant happy." Al: " Bud, take your sister for a walk and don't tie her to a hydrant and go for a sode like last time. Just because she can't think doesn't mean she can't feel." Peg: " It would help for you to be seen with a pretty girl." Bud: " Yea, right, They'll just think I paid for her like everyone else." Al: " Take all your clothes off." Peg: " You finally want to do it?" Al: " Since I'm not going to eat, I need something to kill my appetite." Al: " You spent $2000 on decorating school. It must have been my fault, I didn't have to say 'I do.' I could've just taken one of your uncle's shotgun blasts in my back." Al: " Peg, if you want this house to look better, dust. If you want it to smell better, cook. If you want it to be happy, leave. But don't touch this house. I'm not a man happy with change." Peg: " That explains your job and your underwear." Kelly: " Is it really going to happen? Are we really going to eat?" Al: " Yes, and this time it's no pipe dream. I gave your mother some money, towed her car to the market, tied he hands to the cart and jump started her to the meat department. Soon we'll be eating dead animals from every race and religion." Peg: " The guy I fell in love with had an easy going spirit with a fast car. But he wouldn't marry me, so I ended up with you." Al: " Of course it's my fault. I didn't have to say 'I do.' I could've just take one of your uncle's shotgun blasts in the back and been done with it." Peg: " Then we wouldn't have had that great wedding reception where your father whispered in my ear 'If you like my son, I'm twice as fun.'" Al: " Yes, it is a room. It's in the name: Bath-room. It's from the Greek 'bathrockopolis < ?> ' : a quiet place away from the camels and women." < Peg tells Al about her decorating changes> Peg: " ...and when you flush it, it plays 'We've Only Just Begun.'" Al: " Peg, you know that's our wedding song. Everytime I hear it, my innards freeze solid." Episode 516: All Night Security Dude ------------------------------------ Al: " I miss my bowl, Peg." Peg: " Oh, it's not you're fauly,'re just groggy in the morning." Al: " Not that bowl, you whinning, ninny of a woman." Al: " Sure, I had glory but you had pie. I haven't eaten in 19 years. ...So excuse me if I don't cry for you, Argentina." Al: " You know that exercise place above the store with the sign '1/2 ton discount?' Well, they played 'Jump' and damned if the whole herd didn't. They came crashing down blocking out the sun. It was cellulite winter. Oh, the humungity." Al: " The shoe store decided to lay me off until repairs are made." Peg: " Can the economy take the hit?" Al: " Can you?" Al: " I'm born and bred to be a shoeman." < Al relives glory> Al: " Hut 1, Hut 2, I got the ball and went through the line like grandma through a herd of cattle." Peg: " Al, why don't you get a license plate that tells the world how YOU feel?" Al: " Because 'KILL ME' was taken by your father." Al: " Peg, you'll never believe what happened at work today." Peg: " Tongue caught in the shoe sizer again?" Al: " You civilians never realize what a sophisticated piece of equipment that is." Peg: " Al, surely you can see the humor in a man who makes nothing saying he lost his job." Bud: " Yea, it's like Kelly saying she lost her mind." Kelly: " I don't get it." Al: " I'm a shoe man, born and bred, dammit." Peg: " Please come back." Al: " You're worried, aren't you?" Peg: " Of course I'm worried. Tomorrow's garbage day. I'm not getting up early." Episode 517: Weenie Tots Lovers And Other Strangers --------------------------------------------------- Al: " This is a fine mess. She's an idiot and the smart one's mad at us." Peg: " Al, you ruined my day." Al: " Peg, it's your own fault. Stop asking me how you look in the morning." < Al heats up M&M on the stove> Al: " I bet the peanut is all warm and toasty insdie...< Al prays> ... Lord, bless this M&M and the mighty cockraoch I slain in battle to get it." Al: " Peg, can we cut out the normal charade of me forbidding you and you ignoring me." Marcie: < to Jefferson > " Remember, you are a white collar criminal while he < Al > is a ring-around-the-collar criminal." Bud: " I was one of 5 Chicago area kids to be chosen to meet the President." Al: " Son, do me a favor. If you see the old white haired lady, she seems nice, ask her if she'll go back to the kitchen and cook something up for dear old dad...and, if you get the chance, steal some of the presidental toilet paper...I bet it's smooth." Al: " Peg, get me my checkbook." Peg: " Which one do you want? The joint account or the corporate account." Al: " I want the joint account: the one that says,'Mrs Peggy Bundy & the nameless shoe salesman." Peg: " At least they left off the 'witless' part." < Al signs check out loud> Al: " Nameless shoe salesman." < Al decides who gets the $$ between Kelly & Bud Al: " This is a tough call. One is a once in a lifetime chance and the other is meeting the President." Al: " It's a lifetime supply of Weenie Tots." Peg: " Maybe, you'll share these little weenies with Peggy." Girl: " Do you smell anything?" Al: " No...Okay, here's the truth. I'm not 25. I'm not a millionaire and those were my feet. I'm Joe Namath. 1969 Super Bowl. That was me." Girl: " 1969. I wasn't even born yet." < Al cries> Bud: " I could've ridden in Air Force One. I could've had a scholarship to Harvard. I could've played Nintendo with Dan Quayle in the war room." < Peg opens last box of Weenie Tots> Al: " Congratulations, you just won a trip to Disney Fist." Peg: " We won! We won!" Al: " Where do you wanna go?" Peg: " Hawaii." Al: " Then I'll go to Europe." Episode 518: Oldies But Young'uns --------------------------------- Al: " What a life ... can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury the bury the wife in the back yard." < Kelly is dressed up and Bud comes downstairs sniffing> Bud: " Ah, the essence of 'Bring Em All On.' It must be Friday cos Saturday is the essence of 'Free Clinic.'" Bud: < to Kelly> " You're testy. Could it not only be your date that's late?" Bud: " Kelly, you might as well hear it from someone who loves you. You're hagged out. Finished. Over. But keep your chins up, Kel. Guys'll still call you. They'll just call you 'Hey Waitress','Hey You','Hey Thief.'" Al: " Peg, except for the day before I met you, today is the happiest day of my life." Kelly: " If I wanted intelligent conversation, I'd still be dating my teachers." Al: " My family not being any help. That's something new." Peg: " Al, must we be the early round spit bucket in the early round knock out that is your life?" Episode 519: You Better Shop Around (part-1) -------------------------------------------- < Peg cranks air conditioner > Al: " Gentle, Peg, you're not having sex with it" Peg: " We'll know for sure if it quits after a minute, rolls over and then asks what's on TV.... Well, it might be, I don't feel a thing." Kelly: " Mom, dad scared me." Peg: " He scares us all." Kelly: " An idiot can buy an air conditioner. I could buy an air conditioner." Peg: " I thought you were going to a discount store to but one of those Korean products with almost real names like ou Fridgea-door refrigerator." Al: " Well, my beauti-fool wife." < Beautiful babe came near Al. He drops something> Al: " Miss, you dropped something." < She bends down to pick it up. Al stares at her chest.> Babe: " Thank you, market dweller." Kelly: " Daddy?" Al: " What?" Kelly: " Do you want something?" Al: " Yes, I have a strange yearning for some melons...< he sees Marcie> ...and a plucked chicken." Marcie: " I thought I smelles shoes. It's the VanderBundy's and their summer home." Al: " Peg, get the cart." Peg: " How do I work this thing?" Al: " The same thing you do with me. You get behind it and shove." < Al gets an old lady arrested for shoplifting> Peg: " Al, do you think we did the right thing?" Al: " So, an old lady goes to jail, who gets hurt?" Episode 520: You Better Shop Around (part-2) -------------------------------------------- Marcie: " This man < Al> cut in front of me. I should be the one millionth customer." Manager: < to Al> " Did you cut in front of this woman." Al: " What woman?" Peg: " You get the food and the glory. All I get is to stand in front of this big hot thing." Al: " No, that's the stove. You're the big hot thing." Al: " We will win in the Bundy tradition. We will cheat our heineys off." Peg: " You can do all this < build the cart of death > yet you can't get a better job." Al: " Research will show you that the majority of your instruments of death are from the zombie-like daydreams of shoe salesmen." Peg: " Can't you give him < the Beaver > a job at the shoe store?" Al: " That's all I need. Work all day with the Beaver and come home to you." Bud: < to the Beaver> " Why don't you team up with that Eddie Munster kid for the "Thoroughly Pathetic Tour '91?" Bud: < to Marcie> " You know what you need to get your mind off this? A nice cool Bud." Al: < to Footy's owner> " The only thing wrong with my checks is that they're post-dated, like your milk." < Supermarket shopping spree is on> Al: " That's my douche." Jefferson: " There's enough room in feminine hygiene for both of us. Let's shake on it." < Jefferson sprays some FDS in Al's eyes> Al: " I'm blind and I smell like summer rain...Peg, where are you...< Marcie pretends she's Peg> ...Jefferson sprayed women's goo in my eyes and now I'm blind. He should take some home and spray it in his own eyes before he gets in bed with his wife < Marcie kicks Al> . Episode 521: Kids! Wadaya Gonna Do? ----------------------------------- Al: < to Bud> "You mean that was you Bundifying that girl over there?" < Bud has no date again> Bud: " Buck, you and I are alot alike." Buck: " No, I've had sex and at least I have the decency to die at 13." < Bud kisses girl> Bud: " Was it everything I told you it would be?" Girl: " No, but it was everything the other girls told me it would be." Al: < to Peg> "I spent three hours with you already. I watched you buy lingerie I wouldn't let you wear even it you weren't my wife." Marcie: " Why do you leave your front door open? A maniac can come in and kill you." Al: " Like I get what I want." Marcie: " I guess you were mistaken when you came over to borrow something and we told you to take what you wanted...which leads us to our flatware." Al: " I didn't steal your bra." < The Bundy's & Darcy's decide to watch Beaches> Al: " We can watch it until they reach 30. Then we can watch Breast Monsters." Peg: " Oh, please! You don't know how to capture breasts on this planet...< to Marcie> ...He loves 'em, you know, but he doesn't know how to handle 'em. Sometimes, he'll grab my knee, squeeze it, and say,'Who's the king...Who's the king.'" I laugh so much that I almost loose my place in my book." Al: " In my defense, most things today orbit around her knees." Al: < thinking> "How long is this movie? There isn't a woman under 50. About now, the Breast Gladiators would be battling with the liquid cheese but, geez, I'd be missing out on all this human feeling." Episode 521.5: Top of the Heap Pilot ------------------------------------ Al: " That TV got me through alot of tough times. I watched it conceiving my 2 kids. I had to put my fore arm in Peg's mouth so I could hear 'Get Smart.' I wised up for Bud. I put Peg's head next to the TV." Al: " Don't marry. It's only good for the woman. They take your youth and your money. Then their butts get big. Then you die. And their butts get small again until the next guy comes along." Verducci: " Women today understand we don't want to goto sleep after sex...we have to." Al: < after some contemplation> " I was thinking. I don't have to goto sleep after sex. I want to. I welcome the darkness." Episode 522: Route 666 (part-1) ------------------------------- < Al hides money in his dirty clothes> Bud: " Pretty crafty dad. Hiding it in the one place even mom was feared to look." Al: " It's not what you think." Bud: " So you're not going to go someplace without us?" Al: " Then it is what you think." < Al's going to a convention in LA. The family wants to go> Al: " I'm going alone. You can scream. You can cry. Peg, you can threaten me with sex, but you're not going." Guy: " You don't know what gold does to a man's soul. It turns families into mobs. It brings hatred and violence. Turns brother against sister, husband against wife." Al: " So it would be exactly like my life now except I'd have gold in both hands yelling 'yipee yipee.'" Marcie: < to Peg> " How dare you call and tell us Al was dead. The whole neighborhood was in the streets singing 'Ding Dong, the Shoeman's Dead.'" < The Bundy's are stuck at a general store with 3 old drunks> Peg: " Hey, Al, these guys find me sexy." Al: " I would too, Peg, if I had whiskey for breakfast." Episode 523: Route 666 (part-2) ------------------------------- Kelly: " Daddy, it's so hot you could lay an egg on the sidewalk." Al: < to Peg> " We've seen nuggets in this here mine as big as your mother's behind and, just like your mother's behind, it's there for the taking, if you're brave enough to reach out and grab it." Episode 524: Buck the Stud -------------------------- < living room is empty & you hear voices> Peg: " Come on, Al. Is that the best you can do?" Al: " I can't concentrate if you keep screaming instructions like that." Peg: " Not like that, you moron. Who taught you to do this anyway?" < Peg & Al come in aftr cleaning up from Buck> Kelly: " Did Buck and the female dog consumate?" Peg: " Not really. Buck got that confused look on his face like he didn't know what to do. I know that face well. If I've seen it once, I've seen it once every three months." < Bud is dressed weirdly> Kelly: " Mom, dad, did Bud tell you yet < about her A in class> ?!" Al: " Not in so many words but we're not blind." Episode 601: She's Having My Baby (part-1) ------------------------------------------ Al: " I'm gonna get myself a 'Big Boy's Ratchet Set' and go around this house and tighten more nuts than you did in high school." Al: < to Jefferson> "Today is the first day of the end of your life." Al: " Soon my hounds will be out of the house and I'll be free, free...except for her < Peg> ." Marcie: " How far along are you?" Peg: " 5 months...Al, didn't you notice I was getting fat?" Al: " Well, yes...That can't be, let me check my journal. 5 months ago, you say." Peg: " Isn't it a dream?" Al: " It better be. Let's see, 5 months ago. April, week 1: sold shoes, watched TV. April, week 2: sold shoes, watched TV, wept. April, week 3: sold shoes, had a few beers, passed out, drempt I fell in a washing machine, woke up feeling cheap...Peg!!!!" Kelly: " Why didn't you check your urges?" Bud: " Of all the blunders a middle-aged man with no income can make...You and your animal instincts...So, Mr. Sow-your- wild-oats-at-50, as if what you did wasn't bad enough but with our own mother for god's sake." Bud: < to Al> "Thanks for everything, Johnny Appleseed." Bud: " Do you think it's safe for mom to have a baby at her age? What is she? A million?" Bud: " Look, it's Harry Hormone < Al> ." < Peg is eating in bed> Peg: " I don't know about you but I'm horny as hell." Al: " So am I but you don't see me bothering you about it." Peg: " If you don't, it won't see you fail until you take it to work with you...come on Al." Al: " I don't know what turns me on more: the sexy failure talk or the baloney shrapnel hitting me in the face." Peg: " Are you as happy as me?" Al: " How could I be?" Peg: " It's your baby, too!" Al: " Oh, I thought you said heavy." Peg: " What should we name the baby?" Al: " The reaper." Peg: " We were talking about breast swell." Al" " Congrats, Marcie, you finally get to go bra shopping." Marcie: " Well, Al, you above anyone should know how much easier it is to lug small things around." Al: " What did I do?" Bud: " You still don't know, do you?" Al: " Don't look at me, I wasn't even awake." Al: " We could name it after my father." Peg: " I don't want to name him 'Town Drunk." Episode 602: She's Having My Baby (part-2) ------------------------------------------ < Al's rubbing Peg's belly> Peg: " Al, I don't feel the fatherhood flowing through me." Al: < looking at Peg's belly> " You may not have felt it but it's obviously there." Marice: " Tell us what goes through your mind when you sell a pair of shoes." Al: " I think 'Gee, who could be stupid enough to buy such a cheap thing but then someone knocked up my next door neighbor, so I think anything is possible." < Kids are stupid> Al: < to Peg> " It's not because they didn't have a wave machine. It's because your parents were brother and sister." Peg: " That's not true. It's just that they started to look alike when mom'm hair fell out." Jefferson: " Having sex with your pregnant wife is like putting gas in a car that you've already wrecked." Jefferson: " Why are you running, Al?" Al: " Can you seriously look at me and ask that?" Jefferson: " Where are you going?" Al: " Where the shoemen run wild. Where there's never heard an impregnating word. And the hooters run free all day." Al: < about baby> " He's already got one up on the others. He's already smarter than Kelly and closer to a woman than Bud will ever get. What a pair of losers." Al: " The gods are probably playing a cruel game of ' Can You Top This.' One said 'Let's make him a shoe salesman.' The next one said 'Let's give him a red head.' And then one god, probably a cruel hungover god, said 'I know. I know. Let's not let him eat yet never starve.'" Al: " I feel like Exxon: one spill and you're paying for it the rest of your life." Al: " You want to hear a sad story? My wife's pregnant and I think it's mine. The end." Episode 603: If Al Had A Hammer ------------------------------- Kelly: " Don't be so hard on yourself Bud. I'm sure alot of guys spend their Friday nights watching Star Trek reruns trying to catch a glimpse of Klingon cleavedge." Bud: " Let the record show that I was wetting the screen with my toungue to clean it." Bud: " Goodbye, Bud Bundy. Hello, Grandmaster B." Kelly: " What's the B stand for?" Bud: " Brother of an idiot." Bud: " Any how. If anyone asks, my parents sent me out here to clean up my act 'cos I either killed a guy or spray painted a bum or something." Peg: " Excuse me. Isn't that the plot of the Fresh Prince of BelAir?" Bud: " That's an NBC show os who would know that." Peg: " And just yesterday, he < Bud> was in diapers." Kelly: " Literally." Al: " Let the record show that I'd rather sleep in a bunkbead under Oprah, I would rather engage in a rollicking three-some with Rosanne and her cool husband, and I would rather play naked twister with every one on the Golden Girls then have that little screaming doodie-gyser at the foot of my bed." Peg: " You know the Bundy legacy: what they don't finish in 30 seconds, they never finish. You know, it's important to watch your man fail in front of your eyes. It's a great thing to see. You know the fun we have watching them fail at sex." Marcie: " Like when you say, ' It's OK honey. I'm sure it happens to all men. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you." Peg: " Or when you say: 'It's OK honey. You're probably just tired and unsure of your manhood.'" Marcie: " Or 'It's OK. We can just lay here and hold each other. That's just as good' and when they lay their head on you like a child trembling, it is just as good. You jsut want to laugh." Peg: " Let me tell you, it's just as good to watch them fail with their clothes on." Jefferson: " Having sex with your pregnant wife is like putting gas in the tank of a car you've already wrecked." Al: " Thank god mine pulls into self-serve." Guy: " Do you mind if we turn the lights dow nand tell some scary stories?" Al: " I was thinking we could strip down to our underwear and sing Puff the Magic Dragon." Episode 604: Cheese, Cues, And Blood ------------------------------------ NOTE: Ed O'Neill puts on a great performance in this episode Kelly: " Dad, can I have $1000?" Al: " Get it from Bud. I just gave him a million." Kelly: " That's the story of my life: a dollar short and a week late." Peg: " I've got to go to the doctor. I want you to come with me." Al: " I never came with you before." Peg: " Don't get me started. I was talking about the doctor." < Bud comes up with Grandmaster B image> Bud: " What am I?" Al: " Mommy's second little mistake on me?" Marcie: " Can I ask you a question?" Al: " Well, just put a hat on it 'til it grows to a woman's length." Marcie: " Can't I just grow 1 really long one and wrap it around my head a few times?" < Peg needs birthing class partner> Peg: " I need someone besides you to be the father of my child." Al: " You should have thought of that 5 months ago." Peg: " I thought you'd get suspicious is he showed any signs of promise." < Al's watching TV> TV: " Stay tuned for our after-school special: 'I Drink Cos My Dad's a Shoesalesman'" Marcie: " Jefferson's been coming home late smelling of cigarettes and exotic beer. Where's he been?" Al: " If he comes home to you probably a bar with really ugly women." Al: " I've been running all over town selling blood to 9 blood banks." Jefferson: " But the human body only has 8 pints." Al: " That's what they say but the brain hides some." Al: " Failure was in my blood. Guess I don't have to worry about that anymore." < Al drinking after giving blood> Al: " The brain doesn't need blood. It just needs to be kept wet. Bud: " Dad, do you got a minute?" Al: " For you, Bud? No." Episode 605: Looking For A Desk In All The Wrong Places ------------------------------------------------------- Al: " We take a state no one's using, one they don't care about, say, Idaho, take all the preganant women, shove 'em in a donut truck and ship 'em off to Boise...We have Pregnaho, PMSachusetts, but where we're going is called Breast Virginia." Al: " This is what happens when we let Pregnasuars rule the Earth. We have one in our very house: The Great Red Pregzilla. Are we gonna let her se us with our legs in the air?" Bud: " I can't speak for Kelly but she won't see me that way." < Al & the kids are working on demands> Al: " Demand 340..." Kelly: " Love and affection?" Al: " It has to be something we all want." Bud: " I want clean dry sheets...It gets humid in my room." Kelly: " Dancing with a rubber woman will do that to ya." Bud: " You must forgive Kel. She might wake up if you say 'I just got paid and I wanna get...'" Peg: " That's enough!" Bud: < reads Kelly's baby meeting minutes> " I can no longer write down the insane ramblings of what used to be my mother. This baby is a curse to us all. Wait. I have to give 'Hail Baby'...There I've done it. I feel cheaper than I've ever felt and that's saying something." Marcie: " When I get back I want to strip him < Jefferson> of every ounce of human dignity and you're < Peg> the best." Al: " Yep, she's the best. She debased me." Episode 606: Buck Has A Belly Ache ---------------------------------- Kelly: < picks up Dr. Spock's book> " Where does Dr Spock say that pregnant women can't feed anyone named Bud or Kelly?" Peg: " Page 15, I think." Kelly: " Hey, you can't pull that one over on us. Bud can read, you know." Al: " Remember when you could park on the street for free in this country? Am I the only one that senses our frredoms are being taken away? The freedom to park. The freedom not to fasten your seat belts. To not worry about having a working muffler. Back then,you could tell a man was coming by the black smoke belching from his American car as he tossed beer cans and french fry packages out the window. Now, how's a man supposed to have fun? By being with his family? I weep for this country." Peg: " That's very toughing, rub my feet." Al: " I wouldn't rub your feet if Aladin came out." Bud: " I think Buck's sick." Al: " What's wrong with my hairy man?" Peg: " We've been married 20 years and you're just starting to wonder about that." Bud: " Good, the Darcy's are here." < Marcie and Peg are crying. Jefferson's having sympathy pains> Al: " Kids, take a good long look. This is worth a thousand condom commercials." Peg: " Rub my belly." Marcie: " Rub my belly." Jefferson: " Rub my belly." Al: " Kids, don't look back. We'll all be salt." Peg: " Al, how come you're feet aren't swollen and you never complain about your breasts?" Kelly: " Yea, dad, tell us." Al: " Peg, if you don't have them, they can't hurt. Tell them Marcie." Cousin Effie: " There's nothin' but sin in the city anyways. I say if you're gonna gyrate naked on tables for money, you should do it for the family." < Al eats dog food to get Buck to eat. Buck doesn't> Bud: " It's no use. It can't be the dog food. Dad's been gobbling it down for days and he's healthier than ever." Episode 607: If I Could See Me Now ---------------------------------- Al: " People who sell shoes to fat women in skirts should not have 20/20 vision." < Al drove into a river> Al: " Does it occur to anyone that I read 'Bridge Ends Here' just fine and just floored it?" < Al picks up the TV guide while he can't see> Bud: " Who is on the cover?" Al: " Raymond Burr." Bud: " That's Delta Burke." Al: " Raymond Burr, Delta Burke, tell me I'm the first one to make that mistake." < Al picks up the TV guide while he has glasses> Al: " There he is, Raymond Burr." Kelly: " That's Delta Burke." Al: " Raymond Burr, Delta Burke, city of Seattle, it's all the same." Kelly: " I've got something that will cheer you up." Bud: " What, you make customer of the week again at the free clinic?" < Al has glasses> Al: " I'm going out and take in some of the beauty that out fair city has to offer...I'll be at the nudie bar." < Al picks up a picture of Peg. He has glasses> Al: " What the hell is this?" Bud: " That's mom." Al: " I didn't ask for all this!" < Al gits rid of glasses> Al: " I may not see too well. I may kill a few people and run into a river or two but it's better than looking stupid." Bud: " Dad's not old. He can still do everything he did when he was young. Look at him sitting there. Just like when we were little." Al: " Everyday at 3:00 I see this girl that works down at the Aerobics store. She flirts with me. I flirt with her. It's nothing but it gets you through the day. I always thought she was pretty but today I saw here and she's 40. 40. I mean, she's old." Kelly: " Dad, you're over 40." Al: " But I'm a guy. That's totally different." Episode 608: God's Shoes ------------------------ Al: " A fat woman came into the store and said she was a size 5. I stuck her hoof into the shoe. My thumb got stuck, she paniced, reared up, and galloped around the store, dragging me behind. Thank god a stick of butter fell from her purse and I was able to grease my thumb and escape." Kelly: " How do you feel, daddy." Al: " Like any man that fell 2 stories and landed on hid head: grateful not to be with your mom." Al: " Why didn't you dial 911?" Kelly: " I couldn't remember the number." < Al saw God> Bud: " Maybe we can get you a gig going 'Coocoo (?) for Coconuts.'" < Al recites the Shoe Commandments> Al: " Thou shall have shoes with toes stitched in. Thou shall have socks attached to the shoes. Thou shall have other things coming forthwith." < Al's on weirdo talk show> Marcie: " This is what you booked him on?" Jefferson: " Every time I called Oprah, it seemed to be lunch." Kelly: " The shoe thing is silly but not any more silly than the pet rock, the mood ring, and NBC's Sunday night lineup." Jefferson: " He's < Al> really been up there < his bedroom> for 40 days and 40 nights?" Bud: " Actually, 40 days and 39 nights. He took a break to watch 'Planet of the D-Cups.'" Episode 609: Kelly Does Hollywood (part-1) ------------------------------------------ Kelly: " My whole modelling class went to the public access channel for out poise and personality test." Bud: " What did you do? Spin 2 diaphrams on your fingers and sing 'Somewhere in the Night?'" Bud: " It's almost time for Kelly's show on public acess TV." Al: < sarcastically> " That won't bring any more shame onto the family." Bud: " What do you think she'll do? Have a scholarly discussion of Ezra Pound's poetry or get her hair stuck in her mouth and chase it like a dog chases it's tail." Episode 610: Kelly Does Hollywood (part-2) ------------------------------------------- < after Kelly's show on tv> Al: " We have to say something nice to Kelly." Bud: " How about 'At least they didn't send the energizer bunny through the show.'"? Bud: " What's that guy that I haven't got?" Kelly: " Should I start above or below the waist?" Bud: " Why, just yesterday you said that when you were little you used to water things smarter than Kelly." Al: " Well, you were the one that said,'What's the difference between an elephant and Kelly? One's grey, has 4 legs and a trunk & the other's a moron." Al: < to TV exec > "Let's run it up the flag pole and see if it waves. This guy has fighting footwear. It's called Kung Shoe. Ok, let's throw it in the oven and see if it bakes. It's set in the 24th century. It's called Shoe Trek. Ok, let's throw it in the bedroom and see if Madonna sleeps with it.It doesn't have anything to do with shoes but I want to work personally with it.It's called Breasts." Guy: " I just don't feel it." Al: " It doesn't surprise me." Al: " There's something good that came out of all this. Nothing bad happened to me. It's possible that the Bundy cloud of failure has passed over me and onto my kids like I only dreamed possible." Episode 611: Al Bundy, Shoe Dick -------------------------------- Peg: " Why don't you get a second job? You know, lots of families are 2 income families." Al: " You see, Peg, 2 incomes means that 2 people, you know, in the same family, work." Peg: " Well, I don't have two husbands in this family." Al: " Peg, you can stab me with knives, you can beat me with clubs, you can make me open my eyes during sex but there's no way on earth you can make me get a second job." < Beautiful lady comes in> Al: < thinking> " One look at her beautiful thighs and I knew that I had to play this out 'til the bitter end or at least 'til I saw some hooters." Lady: " I don't have much to offer. How does $100 sound?" Al: < aloud> " I'll pay it." Al: < to babe> "Sit down and show me your, tell me your tale." Al: < thinking> " She had a set of curves like the Matterhorn (?). This time there were no Japanese tourists waiting in line ahead of me for a ride." Old Guy: " Who are you?" Al: " Your worst nightmare: a shoeman with a badge." Old Guy: " No, my worst nightmare is a hooker with cold hands." Al: < to Kelly> " Pumpkin, if daddy gets the chair will you sit in his lap one more time." Al: " I ran. You would too if you had a price on your head or a bad burrito in your belly." Lady: " They'll put me away for 20 years. Will you wait for me?" Al: " What for, you'll be old." Peg: " I'll get some aspirin and we can sit hear and solve the case of the wife who's not getting any." Al: " Kids, Mom is she..." Bud: " repulsed by you?" Kelly: " disappointed financially and sexually by you?" Al: " No, I don't care about that. Is she pregnant?" Kids: " No." Al: " Marcie?" Kelly: < to Bud about Al> " Is he crazy?" Bud: " He must be. He didn't ask about you." Episode 612: So This Is How Sinatra Felt ---------------------------------------- < lottery is at 32 million> Peg: " 32 million dollars. That's a lot of money even split three ways." Kelly: " Aren't we forgetting someone?" Peg: " Of course, four ways. How could I forget Buck?" Bud: " I'll give some of mine to the unfortunate. The unfortunate babes that don't know what it's like to have a Bud in their hand." Kelly: " If anyone knew what that'd feel like, it'd be you." Kelly: " You shouldn't get a full share. You were left on the steps by trolls." Bud: " At least when the doctor smacked me when I was born, I cried instead of saying,' OOH, do it again.'" Kelly: " Did I talk to the doctor?" Peg: " Of course not, you didn't learn to talk 'til you were 10." < They don't win> Kelly: " Nothing for 12 weeks, is that some sort of record?" Peg: " Not for me." < Al touches Bud> Al: " My child." < Al touches kelly> Al: " My child." < Al touches Peg> Al: " My God!" Al: " I've never cheated on you and if you think you're only a tad over 30 then I was only a tad drunk at our wedding." Fat Lady: " I want my money back. I've worn these shoes only once and they split at the sides." Al: " Let me explain. Just like an elevator, there's a 2 ton weight limit. How about I just nail the soles to the bottom of your feet to give you added traction while you're pulling the ice wagon." Fat Lady: " You'll be hearing from my lawyers." Al: " Is that the firm of Hagen & Daas?" < babe hits on Al> Kelly: " This might just be the shoe groupie." Bud: " You're gonna make some man a good end table one day." Kelly: " They didn't have intercourse or anything like that." Bud: " He tickled her feet and then he ate her muffins." Peg: " It's not only sex. He's eating with her, too." Peg: " You can forget about having sex with me ever again." Al: " I already did." Al: " I can see why all of you think I'm cheating on my wife. After all, she did bear my kids." Al: " I should've done it. I should've eaten her muffins and, before I fell asleep, given her the best 30 seconds of her life." < babe is naked in Al's bed> Al: " This is a sex free house and, if I have any say about it, it'll stay that way." Peg: " Al, this is the 3rd day in a row you've come home happy. I just had a physical and I'm fine. So what are you so happy about?" Al: " What if I said I've come to grips with my job and I've come to appreciate what the 3 of you mean to my life?" Peg: " We'd say you were lying." Al: " And you'd be right." Bud: " Well, Kel. I think we can go home now. The only person dad's cheating on mom with is death." Peg: " Do you want to explain yourself?" Al: " Well, I lef high school, lost the will to live, and here I am." Al: " Listen, Peg. If I was ever going to leave you it wouldn't be for another woman. I don't want another woman. I wouldn't mind having another TV, though. You know what I'd really like? One of those picture in a picture jobs. Sometimes they've got a game on and at the same time they got a good hooter movie. Flipping between the channels gets me kinda anxious." Episode 613: I Who Have Been Nothing ------------------------------------ Al: " I'm 45. I've lived, I've loved and then I even married." Al: < to Peg> "Do you remember the name of the cheerleader I liked before I got drunk and woke up married to you?" < Al's ex-flame is fat> Sandy: " Do you like what you see?" Al: " I don't know. I haven't taken it all in yet." < Al's trying to get ball back from fat old girlfriend> Al: " You know I only dance if I'm gonna get some sex for it." < She gives him the look> Al: < thinking> "That sure opened an ugly door" Girl: " Remember our song? Dance with me if it comes on." Al: " Only if it comes on." < Radio starts playing that song> Al: " Good one, God." < Bundy's come home with a ton of loot> Peg: " Thank's for taking us with you, Al." Kelly: " Can we do this again?" Al: " Well it's not everyday an uncle dies and the coroner leaves the door unlocked." Guy: " Don't push it, Bundy. There's laws in this state against stealing, not to mention overlowing a dead man's toilet." < Al's looking for things to put in his will> Al: " My mistake was looking in the present. I should look in the past, Pre-Peg. I'll give my #33 jersey to Peggy. That's how old she'll tell her next husband she is. I'll give my MVP trophy to Kelly to go along with hers. Though I wonder how she got an MVP trophy never having played the game...I'll give my game ball to Bud, the carrier and the future of the Bundy seed and, by the way it looks, the last." Jefferson: " Do you want to go out for a drink?" Al: " Later, after you've left." < Al calls directory assistance> Marcie: " You just spent 25 cents to get a football worth 10 cents to give to your son. I just have one more question." Al: " The part with the cups goes in front." < Al calls detective agency> Al: " I need to find a girl who I gave a football to that I scores 4 touchdowns with...Yes, my name's Al Bundy!?...Polk High, yes!?... Yes, I do have a problem with foot odor!?...Peg, get off the other phone." Al: " Bud, this ball means everything to me. Not that you and what's her name and what's her name haven't brought me great joy." Al: " I went through hell to get this ball but it was worth it because I'm going to leave you, my only begotten son, my Joe Nuxall baseball card." Bud: " What about your football?" Al: " My football? Are you insane? I'm going to leave this to the only one I truly love, me." Episode 614: The Mystery Of Skull Island ---------------------------------------- Al: " They must have had a good game of 'pin the tail on the shoesaleman' in heaven today. This middle aged woman came into the store wearing a blossom hat for the 'I'm just a cute little thing of 43' look. She was looking for something to wear to a Crosby-Stills-Nash reunion concert so I recommended a recycable paper bag to put on her head to save the Earth two ways. She maced me but, as I lashed out blindly, I think I clipped some teeth. She'll be gumming the words to 'Teach the Children.'" Peg: " I've invited the Darcy's over to play 'Ethical Dilemma.'" Al: " I don't want to spend the night with two people I can't stand & Jefferson." Al: " It gets better each time as long as it's with the same woman." Jefferson: " Will it always be like this, Al?" Al: " I will be just like this except we'll be wearing Depends Undergarments." Peg: " That's not your feminine side." Al: " My feminine side is on the couch watching Oprah. Occasionally pushing aside a breast to scratch a knee." Kelly: " Let's have a boy to girl talk. Pretend you're the boy." Bud: " Should I take a number and get in line behind the 27 sailors?" Jefferson: " Al's not moving his thimble down the road to sexual intimacy." Peg: " Geez, that's a first." Jefferson: " I'm trying to win but I keep landing on 'Date a Kennedy -- Loose a turn.'" Peg: " Guess what we're going to do tonight." Al: " Get naked and try to figure out where out interesting parts used to be." Bud: " Dad, I'm hurt." Al: " That's what happens when you lay the Bundy on someone. It's the result of 30 seconds of wild abandon." Bud: " I'm through with women." Al: " What? Did you get married?" Bud: " Geez, Kel, it's 7 o'clock. Shouldn't you be chained to a radiator by now?" Babe: " B, thank you for not hurting my dad." Bud: " From the fetal position, I can kill in 3 different ways." Bud: " I already know about women, Kel." Kelly: " There's more to us than 'Inflate until feet are puffed up.'" Episode 615: Just Shoe It ------------------------- Bud: " Mom, we're starving." Peg: " Why tell me? Do I look like Sally Struthers?" < Al tells a story> Al: " You don't get it. Do you?" Peg: " You should know that better than anyone else." Marcie: " Peg, have you seen these fanatastic blue disks for the toilet? Whym this is the best thing that could've happened to Al. Next to the invention of a bowl 6 feet wide with tall rims for the problem aimer...< to Al> ... So now, unlike your career, you have something to shoot for." < Bud teaches Peg football> Peg: " Bud, teach me about football." Bud: " Ok, well, first we can go over some calls...< he shows a holding call> ...This is holding...< he makes a reception signal> ...This is a reception.And this...< he scrathes himself all over> 2 weeks after dating Kelly." Kelly: " Here's one you might recognize, mom...< she has a lonely look on her face> ...Bus, on a Saturday night." < Bud's still teaching Peg> Kelly: " Can I teach her stats?" Bud: " Go ahead." Kelly: " Well, there's Alaska, Alabama, Brazil, and the 2 Georgia's: North and South." Bud: " Mom are we really doomed againt to watch dad sit in his Polk High uniform with a football in one hand and himslef in the other?" Peg: " Kids, please, do you think I like seeing him happy one day a year?" Kelly: " Mom, have you thought about taking the time to actually learn the game so you guys could watch together?" Peg: " You mean so we can enjoy something as a couple?" Kelly: " No, so you can ruin any enjoyment he can ppossibly have during the game." Episode 616: Rites Of Passage ----------------------------- Al: " Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy 'til she becomes your wife" Al: " I'm giving you six bucks. You'll be tempted to spend it all on the first girl. Don't do it. Six dollars is too much to spend on any girl." < Buck gets it on with the pony> Buck: " I hope it was as good for whatever it was as it was for me. What do I care? I got mine." Al: " Well, I chalked up some more frequent loser miles today. The Dept. of Juvenile Corrections bussed some kids over to the the shoe store to see me work. The guards made 'em watch for for 3 hours. Even the most hardened criminals were in tears. It's a new program called 'Scared Rich.' Who's going to be the last straw today?" Peg: " Allllllllll!" Al: " What a suprise?" Al: " Through the generations, male Bundy's and looking at hooters that don't belong to them go hand in hand." Al: " You're first bar room fight, like every male Bundy before him. How do you feel?" < Bud spits out a tooth> Bud: " Great, but what do we tell mom?" Al: " You're a man now. You look her straight in the eye and tell her we were stuck in traffic." Episode 617: The Egg and I -------------------------- < Al has a noose around his neck> Kelly: " Is something bothering daddy?" Peg: " He's just preparing to do his taxes." Al: " Look at the size of this bill. They're < IRS> is trying to take away everything I've earned over the years." Peg: " No, Al!" Al: " Yes. $44." < Steve holds egg> Steve: " This bird is as rare to this country as soap is to you all < Bundy's > ." Marcie: < to Steve> " I wouldn't crawl to you if I had a date with Mel Gibson and you had the last diaphram on earth." Marcie: " You're not god's gift to women." Steve: " Oh, yea. Tell that to the burly Earth-first babes who come out to the woods every spring for the baby moose of lovin'. They may not shave like you and I but they sure can fill out a flannel shirt, I tell ya." Steve: " None of you could tell me she < Marcie> was married." Peg: " We don't like to use the 'M-word' in front of the kids." Al: < to FBI agent> " Let me tell you something. I served my country. I played high school football. 4 touchdowns on one game. Yet I'm not exempt from state and federal taxes. Now, is this any way America should treat it's heroes. Now you just flash that badge to some registered voter, buddy. We're Bundys. We hate cops." Peg: " We're Bundys. We don't call cops. People call them on us." < $10,000 reward for Steve> Al: " Is $10,000 worth more to us than a friend?" Peg: " Damn, right...Al, this is $10,000. Now, I know in the shoe business, $10,000 is like big foot. People claim to have seen it but nobody's actually layed their hands on it." < Jefferson is disguised as a bush> Kelly: " You know. I've lived here all my life and I never knew our bush could talk." Bud: " Well, Kel. I'm sure our bushes felt the same about you." Episode 618: Psychic Avengers ----------------------------- Al: < looking up> " Oh, mighty one who created the heavens and the earth...< looking down> and you who created my wife and kids, why does thou curse me with a TV yet no TV guide?" Al: " I have a woman so lame that she thinks that when I groan in bed that it has something to do with her. Bud wouldn't know the house was on fire if it wasn't on 'Nick At Nite.' And the only reason that Kelly has a head is to keep the rain out of her neck." Al: " I'm thinking of expansion." Jefferson: " What kind of expansion?" Al: " The kind where I keep my woman in ermine and pearls... and I won't forget you, Peg." Jefferson: " We should keep it simple. You're in & you're out. Just like sex." Al: " I am that cheese." Peg: " Alllll!" Al: " Here is the anchovy that no one will touch." Peg: " I have a gift. I've been touched." Al: " Not by me." Peg: " Al, you're meddling with powers which, like a woman's body, you know nothing about." < Buck comes in as a person. The Bundy's are chimps> Al: " Did you give the money to Madame Zelda?" Buck: " I used it for bail. Nobody told me it was impolite for humans, when they met a woman, to go up and sniff their butt." Peg: < to Al> " I have 3 words for you 'We want in.'" Kelly: " What's the third?" Peg: " Al, when I married you for richer or poorer, I thought we'd try one and then the other and then choose. I think we've gone just about as far as we can with the first one." Jefferson: " Madame Inga has called the dark forces of Sweden out against you." Al: " What's going to happen to me? I wake up owning a Volvo?" Episode 619: Dinner With Anthrax -------------------------------- Bud: " Can I have a party?" Al : " I have my own problems to worry about. I have something terrible to do. Let's just say it involves your mother, our anniversary, and marking love to her until I shrivel up and die." Jefferson: " Do you want to tell me why you had your mouth around my exhaust pipe?" Al: < coughing throughout> " My wife wants me to make love to her." Peg: " Al, I want the whole enchilada. The whole 4 yards." Al: " That's 9 yards, Peg." Peg: " Do you really want me to get out the ruler?" < Anthrax looks through the Bundy's fridge> Joey: " Oh,the desolation. It's almost empty except for a chia pet." Bud: " That's not a chia pet, it's meat loaf. There's mom's mystery pack...They're eating mom's mystery pack. Joey: " Wow, the colors." Charlie: " Is your lump moving?" Scott: " My hands are tingling." Joey: " It came out of the fridge, why is it hot?" Kelly: " They have to stay for six months. They ate mom's mystery pack and now the environmental protection agency had to put the house in quarantine." < TV remote is lost> Bud: " I have a plan. Dad once told me of the old days when people would go up to the TV and turn it on." Kelly: " Get on!" Bud: " It just might work." Kelly: " Bud, 50 of your closest friends. Let's see. That's grandma and your stuffed animals." Bud: " Yea, and my favorite welfare mother." Bud: " Dad?" Al: " Go away." Bud: " It's not about money." Al: " Go away anyhow." Jefferson: " You can do it, Al. Wilt Chamderlin claimed to have made love to over 20,000 women." Al: " Yea, and not one of them was his wife." Bud: " Well, Kel. I guess as long as old men in hats pass out lollipops you'll do fine." Joey: " Let's get there early,you said. Let's be responsible for once, you said. That dog won't take a wiz on my guitar, you said." Scott: " I'm not so sure it was the dog, Mr 2 6-packs of Malt Liquor." Marcie: " I'm a woman." Dan: " Yea, he's < Bud> popular. She's < Kelly> a genius. And we're glad to be here." Peg: " Al, it's our 20th anniversary and you give me a post card." Al: " Well, I read that the gift for the 20th anniversary is china. That's picture of China. What do you want from me? I could've got you a Chicago Bears mug with a fill up but I said, 'No, it's my wife's anniversary. Here's a nickel, give me the post card.' Happy anniversary, babe." Peg: " Al, you never get me anything good. For our 15th anniversary, you got me some motor oil." Al: " That motor oil's still in your car." Peg: " Well, this year I want something special." Al: " Oh, all right. How much?" Peg: " What I want won't cost you a thing. I want to be made love to." Al: " And you think that's not going to cost me anything?" Peg: " And I'm not just talking about sex, Al. I want to be made love to." Al: " What in sam hill does that mean?" Peg: " I want to be held. I want to be caressed.I want to be romanced." Al: " Peg, I've been secretly hiding $100. Let's just say we call it even?" < Peg takes the $$> Peg: " No. I want some romance in my life, Al. I'm not talking about the old 30 second crash and burn or the old 20 second bump and snore. And I really don't want the New Year's Eve 10-9-8-7-6-5-4 -3-2...Sorry better luck next year." Al: " Peg, if you have any fellings for me, don't make me make love to you...Peg, do you hate me that much?" Episode 620: Hi I.Q. -------------------- Kelly: " If you're stupid and you know it, punch a nerd." < Al's trying to put in a screw> Al: " I can't find the hole." < Marcie pats Peg knowingly> Peg: " Don't you have enough things plugged in?" Al: " The only experience you have is with things that use batteries." Kelly: " Do you think I'm stupid?" Al: " Well...stupid's a relative term." Kelly: " You're a relative, that's why I'm asking you." Bud: " Remember Pig Parties in high school...well you're at one now." Kelly: " I don't believe you." Bud: " Let me show you." < They introduce themselves to the guests> Kelly: " Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm a model." Guy 1: " Hi, I'm a Los Angelas public school teacher." Kelly: < to Bud> "I still don't believe you." Guy 2: " Hi, I'm a network executive." Kelly: " That doesn't prove a thing." < Bud shows her a picture of last year's winner: Dan Quayle> Al: " I got everything right here < in a box> " Peg: " You bought 'shower in a box?'" Al: " I couldn't afford it. Years ago I bought 'wife on a couch.'" Peg: " Hold me, Al. I want this moment to last forever." Al: " Don't worry. Every minute with you seems like forever." Al: " Where's the spirit of 'do it yourself?'" Peg: " It's alive and well in our bedroom." < Kelly can't open door> Bud: " Kelly, let me help you: Push in, pull out." Kelly: " How should I remember that?" Bud: " Push, unlike pull, begins with a 'p.'" Kelly: " Ahhh." Kelly: " I've got brains. I want to show the world that brains and good knockers go hand-in-hand." Episode 621: Teacher Pets ------------------------- < Ding Dong > Bud: " A half-hour early. I know how she feels, sometimes I can't wait to touch myself either...Er, you know what I mean" Peg: " I'm afraid we do" Bud: " A strange thing happened to me at school today. My teacher, Miss McGowan, looked at me." Kelly: " Right at you? Is she OK? Bud: < to Kelly> "Listen, craftmatic adjustable girl." < Bud's trying to choose which one to date> Al: " Do you know why I wore ole number 33 in high school?" Bud: " Because all the money you ever had was 33 cents?" Al: " No, it's because that's how deep the line was to ride the Wild Bundy." Bud: " How do I choose?" Al: " Before they both leave you, choose one...< peg yells > but we don't always choose wisely." Bud: " What if I choose wrong?" Al: " You will." Al: < to old substitute teacher> " You cradle robber. You Cher. I know what you want, Miss Gabor. The great Bundy fortune. You take my son and have your way sexualy with him. Son, are you really going out with Prune face over here. How many young boys and happy homes have you wrecked in you 1000 years. I know my son's almost a virgin. I've called the proper authorities...< cops come in > ...There she is, the strumpet with the blue hair. And she lied about her age, too. The last time she saw 40 was 1840." Bud: < thinking> "It can't get worse." Al: " Oh, Bud, your mother needs tampons." Bud: < thinking> " That did it...I must be dreaming. I know what will wake me up. I'll get up in front of the class and drop my pants and the embarassment will wake me up...< he drops pants > I dreampt I'm not wearing any underwear, too." < Al comes back in> Al: " An another thing...." < he sees Bud, shakes his head, throws up his arms and leaves> Kelly: " Daddy, do I have to watch this?" Al: " Yes, you do. As your father, when I find something of quality, I feel it's my responsibility to let me child reap the benefits. TV is not all trash." TV: "...Now back to Psycho Dad." Al: " This is why we must give to PBS." Peg: " The longer I stay sick, the longer it'll be until I do housework around here." Al: " Oh Gee, Peg. We can still have sex, can't we?" Bud: " Can I get a 'Woa, Bud is popular?'" Buck: < thinking> " How about a 'Woa. Shoot the boy?'" Bud: " I hae a date." Kelly: " A date?...< she picks up the phone> ... Rev Fultcher, has hell frozen over? My brother has a date. Yes, Bud. Yes, I know church is the place to be at a time like this. I'm coming right over. Now, yours is the place with a big 'T' on top?" Bud: " I have two things that you don't have: a date and an ounce of pride." Al: " Bud, if you had an ounce of pride you wouldn't lie about having a date." Al: " Son, you've got plenty of time to date 40 year old women when you're 70. No, make that 35 when you're 80. That feels more right to me. That's what I want when I'm old: a drool nurse with luscious honkers, wiping my chin and shaking her hieny as she washes my dentures in the sink. That's what keeps me going." Episode 622: The Good-bye Girl ------------------------------ Al: " Let's look at my itinerary. Bundy World Tour '92. Day 1: arrive in New York courtesy of 'Escape from New York.' Then it's on to the nation's capital for 'Happy Hooker Goes to Washington.' Day 2:..." Peg: " Allllll." Al: " Peg, you're not allowed to 'Al.' There will be no 'al-ing' for my entire vacation. I am not here. Day 2: It's off to merry old England for 'British Babes need Discipline.'" Peg: " But, Alllllllll" Al: " Sorry, Peg, the captain has turned on the 'No Peg' sign" Peg: " What happened to Kelly?" Bud: " Her modeling schoold closed down. It seems they moved upstairs and most of the models couldn't find it anymore." Peg: " Poor Kelly. She must be crushed. She spent so much time learning the art of rapidly dressing and undressing again." Bud: " I don't think she learned that at modeling school, mom." Bud: " What if she < Kelly> does something think?" Bud: " Vengeance shall be mine" Kelly: " Then vengeance can't be a woman" Kid 1: " What was it like on Happy Days?" Jefferson: " I told you my name was Darcy" Kid 2: " Was that your name on the Love Boat?" < Ted McKinnley "Jefferson" was on the Love Boat > < Bud comes in wearing a 6-hand bug costume> Kelly: " You know Bud, if you had another hand, you'd have a date for every night of the week" Kelly: " A fat woman was there today. She was wearing a mumu that covered what must have been 3 or 4 heines. Now, she could have either gone through a big door or a small turnstyle. Which does she choose? There was a line forming. Luckily, I got a tub of butter from the 'Delta Burke: Let's get fat' exhibit and greased her up. Then I went over to the Star trek exhibit, hot wired the Enterprise, and sent it up where no man has gone before." < Kelly plays a superhero bug exterminator> Tour Guide: " Do you kids have any questions for the verminator?" Bud: " Does the Verminator want to tell the kids in which backseat she'll be appearing tonight in case they want to further their education?" Kelly: < whispering> "Don't do this to me, Bud." Tour Guide: " Any other questions?" Bud: " I see you wear a cape yet no underwear...Is that so you can more easily change into your alter ego: a mild mannered sex toy for the Navy?" Episode 623: The Gas Station Show --------------------------------- < Al's pumping gas> Marcie: " Here's something you haven't heard from a woman in a while 'Fill Her Up' or do I have to confirm the rumors and tell you where to put the nozzle." Al: " Marriage leads to everything bad in life: work, kids, Habib shirts." Peg: " Mom called. She got on the scale and it said 380. She's been 374 since high school so she thinks she may be getting fat." Al: " Maybe there's 6 pounds of food stuck between her teeth." Peg: " How that woman loves you. Thank god she can't hear you." Al: " Thank god she can't eat me!" < He's working to pay off what the family took> Al: " Oh, no you don't Bud. It's you're turn to be Habib." < Bud puts on Habib shirt. Five babes in bikinis pull up> Babes: " Hi, we're the Swedish Bikini team. We're looking for guys named Habib." < Bud gets in car and they drive off. Al is stunned. Another car pulls up> Ugly Woman: " Hi, we're the Chicago Bowling team. We're looking for guys named Al." < Al gets in the car after a moment's thought.> Al: " We're no longer allowed at the zoo becuase of young Mr. Bundy who answered the question 'What happens when you feed a chimp pop rocks?'" Bud: " Well, I didn't point at the leopard and ask 'How many animals died for that coat?'" Kelly: " Well, I didn't drop my pants and moon the monkies." Bud: " Well, I didn't turn mom in." Kelly: " Well, I didn't ask the girl chimp to my prom." Episode 624: England Show (part-1) ---------------------------------- Fat Lady: " Are ye done with my horse?" Seamus Bundy: " I had to send out for parts to reinforce his feet and to hang a sign around his neck saying,' I'm with fatso.'" Fat Lady: " Your tongue is strong." Seamus Bundy: " Not as strong as yon seams in yon dress keeping yon belly off yon feet." Fat Lady: " You and all the male Bundys will be hated and Lower Uncton will be forever in darkness." Seamus Bundy: " What are you going to do? Float overhead." Bud: " I'm going to get me a handful of British babe. After years of drinking warm ale, they're gonna find out that nothing beats a Bud." Kelly: " Oh, don't forget that the inflatable babes blow up on the left side." < The Bundy's are on there way over to England> Pilot: " Would the passenger in 24B < Al> please put his shoes back on. I'm choking up here." Peg: " Alllll" Al: " Oh please, the show the movie 'Dutch' and they say I stink." Jefferson: " I put all our traveller's checks in our luggage. I didn't want any unsightly bulges in my jacket." Marcie: " Soon, there won't be any in your pants, either." Peg: " This is 'Speaker's Square.' It's where people go to hear any idiot spout off about nothing." < Al is heard addressing a crowd> Al: " I hate women. I don't like 'em. You're English but even you can't like women. It's like when you're watching sports. That's the one time that they decide to plant their, what you call bums and ask you 'Remember when we were in that restaurant 18 years ago. Was the waitress pretty?'...I gotta go 'cos I see the wife coming. Now, I don't have a solution but could I get a 'Woo, I hate women?'" Crowd: " Woo, I hate women." Al: " Oh, am I alone in hating the French." Crowd: " No!" Al: " I though not." Jefferson: " I though Michael Caine was on the 5 pund note?" Marcie: " It's Queen Elizabeth." Jafferson: " Just my luck to run into the one person who could tell the difference." Episode 625: England Show (part-2) ---------------------------------- Peg: < to Al > " You know, except for the kids and you being here, this is like a second honeymoon." < A family screams at the Bundy's and runs away> Peg: " We're only Americans. Why's they run?" Al: " They must be French. It takes so little." Episode 626: England Show (part-3) ---------------------------------- < Al raises arms and crowd screams> Peg: " They'll stop screaming when you lower your arms, most people do." Al: < about women> " ...They'll eat up your money. They'll kill your will to live. You've heard of them. But kids, just say no to marriage." Customs Officer: " Do you have anything to declare?" Peg: " Yes, my husbands an idiot." Bud: " I can't believe that my life depends on dad's ability to joust." Peg: " It's better than his ability to earn a living." < Al and guy are in chains in jail> Al: " What do they serve you in here?" Guy: " Bread and water." Al: " Then it's truly the best vacation I've ever had." Episode 701:Magnificent Seven ----------------------------- < Al's in a good mood > Bud: " I guess you didn't tell dad that your family's coming." Peg: " Well, he never warns me when he is." < Peg's cousins left > Al: " You let them go. That has to be the dumbest move in history...Well, the second, the first was when I answered your phone call the day after we had sex." Al: " No, Marcie, don't take this as an insult, you parakeet in a flannel shirt. But speaking as a friend, your body shows no signs if womanhood. Obvious to me you're barren. And, even if by some miracle you actually laid an egg and then hatched a child and tried to breast feed it, the kid would starve to death 'cos, let's face it Marc, there's not enough milk in there for a cup of coffee." < Al's in Bud's bed. The bed is wet > Al: " Look at my life, I'm sitting in my own son's wet spot." Episode 702: T-r-a...Something, Spells Tramp -------------------------------------------- Al: " Is it our anniversary again!" Peg: " No" Al: " Then why are you touching me?" Peg: " I'm tired of touching myself" Al: " I don't blame you" Al: < to Peg> " Saturday night's for the young, not you." Peg: " We have to improve our social life. And I've got the answers right here." Al: " Peg, those haven't been the answers since they stood up by themselves." Peg: " They're not alone in that, you know. Look, I've just bought the new issue of Cosmo." Al: " Hold it now, Peg. Those articles about married couples having sex every month, that's a bunch of lies perputrated on the public to sell magazines." Peg: " We had plenty to talk about when we first met" Al: " Well, Peg, that was before I got to know you. There was a lot of things I had to find out. Stuff like: how far she'd go on a 6-pack, would it be fun for you to watch me and your friend Joan, and did she actually see Deep Throat" Peg: " Yea, and there was that thing I kept wondering: how could a man with such big shoes have such a teeny, weeny, tiny, little... Al: " Peg!" Marcie: " Honey, tell everyone how that article on temporary male impotance has given you the courage to try, try again. You should see him. He's so cute going: I think I can, I think I can." Jefferson: " That's after four times of making her shake like a California quake" Marcie: " And like Los Angeles, I'm still waiting for the Big One" Peg: " I'd settle for an after-shock...You should see Al...Oh snoogums, it's kinda cute, though. It's like Ground Hog's Day. Peeking out of its hole, seeing its shadow, getting scared and running away. Al: " It's not its shadow that it's scared of" Peg: " It's cute as the dickens, though. Al: " Well, not as cute as my little Bermuda Triangle" < Al & Jefferson are having a deep discussion> Peg: < to Al> "Hey, you got a brain you're not using with me. That's second body part you're not using with me." Girl: " Must a girl wear underwear to get respect in this town." Episode 703: Every Bundy Has a Birthday --------------------------------------- Peg: " Seven, as part of your birthday present, you can have whatever you want out of Bud's and Kelly's rooms." Seven: " Alright!" Bud: " Well, Kel, there goes those art photos you took for 'Stupid Girls in Chains' magazine." Kelly: " Oh, yeah. You can say goodbye to your 'Oh so Lifelike you can take her home to meet mom' rubber playmate." Peg: " I really think we ought to have some more kids. I really think we can get it right one of these days." Al: " Peg, at my age, I couldn't get it right even if I was with someone I wanted." Peg: " Al, would you ever consider dancing for me?" Al: " Only at the end of a rope, babe." Al: " Who wants a hotdog?...< hands go up> ...That's good 'cos I got one....< Peg & the kids start yelling> " All: " Me! Me!" Al: " Hold it now. You know the rules. You don't call for it. You fight for it. Which is why we Bundy's may be maladjusted but we are strong." Episode 704: Al On The Rocks ---------------------------- < The scene is in the living room, Bud is on the couch and Kelly is coming downstairs.> Kelly: " What time is it?" Bud: " 3:30" Kelly: " AM or BM?" Bud: " BM." Kelly: " You know, I don't know why they call it BM. Why don't they call it PM for Post Meridian? Sometimes I feel like I'm the last bastion of good sense on this forsaken outpost of humanity. By the way, are my shoes on the right feet?" Seven: " Dad, where do babies come from?" Al: " Generally speaking, a 6-pack and 2 horny teenagers" Peg: " He's only kidding. He has no idea." Seven: " Dad, what's retirement?" Al: " It's what men do when they die and women do when thay marry." Kelly: " Doctor? Mom never took us to a doctor. I rememeber I had a 109 degree fever and all she did was bleach my hair." Bud: " It's 'cos her mom always told her 'Bleach a cold. Raise a Beaver.'" Kelly: " Gee, I thought it was 'Feed a pimple. Raise a troll.'" < Bud & Kelly are outside freezing> Kelly: " Help us" Marcie: " I can't. I'm a Republican." Peg: " Is that money in your pants, Al, or are you just...well, let's face it, we both know it's money." < Al takes money out of his pants> Al: " There's another type of green on my pants now." Al: " How does marcie let you get away with not working?" Jefferson: " Well, Al, I'll tell you. Whenever the subject somes up, I just give her a ride on the 'ole Jefferson Airplane." < Al looks at the Want Ads> Al: "...'No education, no experience, and no drive necessary.' Now what kind of stupid job could that...oh, yea...shoe salesman." Marcie: " Here's $2. Put a shirt on. I can't stand to see you topless." Al: " At least people know when I'm topless. My back has bigger breasts than you." Marcie: " No, your front has bigger breasts than me." Episode 705: What I Did For Love -------------------------------- Al: < to Peg> "You're down here? I must've been dreaming that you ran off with that dwarf down at the bookstore and that I lived in sin with that playmate centerfold and her 8 roommates who can speak but choose not to." Peg: " Besides me, who would point out that your teeth have turned the same color of yellow as your underwear and that you have more hair in your nose than on your head?" Peg: " I want sex." Al: " So do I, but I see know reason to drag you into it." Peg: " Al, there is nothing happening in our bedroom." Al: " Well, Peg, if it's working, don't fix it." Al: < about sex> "Men have to do all the work. I'd love to just lie there and do nothing throw out the occasional 'Oh, Baby.'" Jefferson: " Time was I had to think about baseball to slow things down. Now I just want to think about baseball." Seven: " What's the difference between a man and woman.?" Al: " One works and the other's a woman." Seven: " So, Mrs. Darcy's a man?" Al: " Yes." < Peg has lingerie on> Peg: " Can you honestly look at me in the eye and sat that this doesn't turn you on." Al: " Well, Peg, I can look you in the anywhere and just say that." < Al & Peg are in a store's lingerie dept.> Peg: " Al, like I've pleaded with you a thousand times in the bedroom, just look around, I'm sure you'll find something you'll like." Episode 706: Frat Chance ------------------------ Al: " No, I don't regret not going to college, because then I might not have married you. And then what would have become of me? I probably would've spent a meaningless existence ordering pizza and hookers 'til I died with a slice of pizza in one hand and a greasy hooter in the other." Jefferson: " You just described what it was like at my fraternity." Al: " Oh, why do we have to go out, Peg? It's bad enough that I know we're married, do we have to let the whole world know?" < The Bundys and Rhodes are deciding about a movie> Bud: " It's my own special cologne. I call it 'A Touch of Bud.'" Kelly: " If anyone knows what 'A Touch of Bud' is, it must be you." Bud: " And nobody does it better." < ...Still deciding on a movie> Marcie: " Here's one. A story of a young Peruvian girl who gets a bicycle." Al: " Any hooters?" Marcie: " It is a Francois LeMac film. He explores the mind." < Al looks at newspaper> Al: " I prefer the Joseph Zipper production of 'They Exploded out of their Bras.'" < ...And they still can't decide> Al: " Boobies, boobies, boobies..." < Kelly come in> Al: " Oh, Hi, pumpkin." Kelly: " I haven't heard that since the one day my friend and I were walking down the street and this old guy in a Dodge drove by...Oh,Dad!!" < Kelly and Seven are playing Scrabble> Kelly: " Ha, double word score!" Seven: " NBC isn't a word." Kelly: " It's a word. It just isn't a network." Jefferson: " There were girls but that wasn't the only part of a fraternity. There's so much more...No, actually that was it. Episode 707: The Chicaco Wine Party ----------------------------------- < Al's walking down the street> Guy: " Car broken down again? No one to give you a ride?" Al: " I should've called your wife. She gives everyone a ride." < Al comes home drunk> Kelly: " I don't like to see him like this." Bud: " I don't like to see him happy, either." Al: " Marcie, do you drink? If you look at yourself in the mirror, you must." Al: " Kids, come down here. I've got something important to tell you." Kelly: " Finally, he's gonna tell me I'm not really his kid." Bud: " He's gonna tell me I'm not his kid." Kelly: " But you look just like him." Bud: " That was really low...Dad, who's our father?" Al: " Well, a thousand blood tests say it's me." < The Bundy's go to vote> Lady: " Is this your first time?" Bud: " Why does everyone look at me and assume I'm a virgin. Would a virgin know the names and last book read by every Playmate for the last 10 years? I know the female body like my, I mean like the back of my hand." Lady: " I mean, is this your first time voting." Bud: " Where do I go and what do I do with it?" Lady: " I bet you've asked that before." Lady: < to Kelly> "Here honey, take a ballot. Hell, this is Chicago, take two." Al: " I'm not voting again. Just like marriage, no matter who you pick, it always turns out bad." Al: " Give me beer or give me death...or both. Let's pillage." < Beer people go on rampage> News lady: " People should stay in and order pizza tonight. But if they go out, they should stay away from restaurants that begin with 'Cafe.' As if they need to be told, all Frenchmen should stay in hiding. They're leader is a balding man who says,' I sell shoes dammit and I'm stinking drunk.'" Episode 708: Kelly Doesn't Live Here Anymore -------------------------------------------- Peg: " Today is a great day for the Bundy's. Dad paid the water bill. How do you do it, Al?" Al: " As overseer of the vast Bundy fortune, I came up with a bold financial plan: I sold my blood." Al: " I've got lumpy water and you, the family that loves me. What more could I ask for?" Peg: " Throughout history, Wanker women have done nothing and we're proud of it. We sat on couches at the back of pioneer wagon trains, slept late during Indian attacks and had our hair done while our husbands had their's scalped. You know, the west is speckled with graveyards filled with the bodies of men who died before their time supporting Wanker women." < Al wants Kelly to get a job> Al: " Now, honey, let me explain this to you by telling you about the plow horse that had to pull the heavy wagon." Kelly: " What was the horsey's name, daddy?" Al: " Al." Kelly: " The horsey in the story has your name, daddy." Al: " Yes, he did, pumpkin. Anyway, he pulled and he pulled and then on the road a big red cow jumped onto the cart." Kelly: " Wouldn't it be funny if the cow's name was Peggy?" Al: " And before he knew it, little horsey after little horsey jumped in the cart until poor Al collapsed in a heap and died a horrible twitching death." Kelly: " Yeah! That was a good story." Al: " Indeed. But, honey, the story doesn't have to end that way if a little horsey would help out, maybe Al could save a few bucks and go to the nudie horsey bar." < Jefferson takes a picture of Al & Kelly > Cook: " Hey, didn't you take my picture when I was on a pleasure cruise? I think I was with Florence Henderson." Jefferson: " Do you really think if I was the good looking guy from the Love Boat, I'd be doing this? No, I'd be rich... Another picture, captain...I mean, Al?" < Kelly's first day on the job> Al: " I want you to know that this is the happiest day of my life and will remain so until your mother leaves me." Teacher: " Stay away from my new husband. He's 18 and still peaking." Kelly: " He'd have to peek. He wouldn't want to look at it straight on." Episode 709: Rock Of Ages ------------------------- Peg: < to Kelly> " Some man, or some men, are going to be very lucky to have you one day." Al: " Just think of it. We're partying with the geeaers of rock... speaking of geezers, Bud, where's your mother?" < to Spencer> Peg: " You're who I think of when I have sex with my husband." < to Peter> Peg: " You're who I think of when I have sex with my husband." < a third time> Peg: " You're who I think of when I have sex with my husband." < yet again> Peg: " You're who I think of when I < she sees it's Al> ...clean behind the toilet." < about Al joining Old Aid> Peg: " Come on, Al. It'll be just like singing in the shower...if you sang...or showered." Bud: " I think he's < Al> playing dumb." Peg: " No, honey. I've known him for 20 years. He's not playing... Where's the money, Al?" Al: " I got robbed. I was driving home. I drove by the bank and the street was cordoned off. I knew I shouldn't have gotten out of the car but I did. That was when they jumped me." Peg: " Muggers, Al?" Al: " Worse. Bankers, bill collectors, electric company reps, that wirey little woman from the water company. They were all there. They threw me down. Forced a pen in my hands and made me pay bills against my will. I felt so violated. But I fought like a wildcat. And I think I felt a toe snap when I bit through the water company babe's penny loafers. And that gas guy's gonna be reading meters out of one eye for a while." Al: " Oh, sure. I pull the handle on the slot machine of life and come up with a prune < Kelly > , a lemon < Peg > and the lonely Mr. Cherry < Bud > ." Al: " Sold 24 pairs of shoes and I'm in 3rd place...Fratello's in 2nd place but I can take him. He goes home at night to visit his wife. The sap still loves her. Lucky, I don't have that problem." Al: " Just sit down right here and put your feet in my hands." Marcie: " You're not gonna look up my dress, are you?" Al: " I'm not going through the rest of my life blind just to sell you a pair of shoes." Kelly: " Mom, do you know what I'm thinking?" Peg: " That we should go upstairs and split up Marcie's shoes?" Kelly: " No, I was just wondering what I was thinking 'cos I forgot." Episode 710: Death Of A Shoe Salesman ------------------------------------- Al: " Look at the Duke. One of his finest films: 'I Shoot 'Em 'Cos They're Injuns.'" As a woman viewer, what's your opinion?" Kelly: " Daddy, I'd rather be reading. Does that tell you something?" Al: " That tells me you're a girl and your opinion means less to me than the dog's." Al: " Fuzzy McGee, he's still alive and he's still working. In fact, he just did a commercial for those adult diapers, 'Soak Ems.' You know, for those times when you just can't say 'Woah.'" Al: " Peg, good news!" Peg: " They raise minimum wage for the bald?" Marcie: " Marriage is sacred. That's why I'm going to be buried next to my husband, Steve." Jefferson: " I'm you husband now. And we're not in bed, so there's no reason to call me Steve." Marcie: " Don't take it personally. Every woman screams 'Steve' while having sex." Jefferson: " Come with me Marcie and I'll rock the Steve right out of you." Marcie: " It works every time." Peg: " Al, why don't you rock me." Al: " 'Cos I'd rather stone you." Peg: " You male corpses are all alike. Never a thought for the woman who spent her life getting you into that grave." Funeral Director: " I must say you 2 are planning your funeral early. You must have some terminal disease." Al: " Yes, marriage." Funeral Director: " Ah, yes. We get quite a few of those. Most people feel that marriage eases the transition into death." Funeral Director: " You people dying?" Kelly: " No, virgins < Bud> are always pale." Bud: " That explains the healthy hue on her face." Peg: " Kids, do you think daddy should wear his wedding ring when he's dead." Al: " I married you 'til death do us part, which means that when I'm dead, I'm free to date." Peg: " This is your final resting place? There is no room for me." Al: " That's why they call it a resting place." < Al & Peg are making the funeral plans> Peg: < to Al> " Just pretend we're in bed and let me take care of everyting." Episode 711: The Old College Try -------------------------------- Marcie: " What's that on your chin? Have the big boys been rubbing your face in the dirt again?" Bud: " It's a beard. Surely you've seen one before in the mirror." Babe: " What's that on you face?" Bud: " How does it look with my checkbook?" Babe: " Oooh, sexy." Bud: " Yea, and I love you for mind." Marcie: " You can see your wife's ashes in 10 minutes." Old Guy: " They won't let me see my wife." Al: " Take a look at mine. That'll cure you." Guy: " Are you depositing the whole 10 cents?" Al: " Do I look japanese? I'd like 5 cents back please. Give it to me in ones." Al: < to Bud> " Me being a high school sports star. God, it must have been tough following in my shadow. Then that left time for the chicks, but your personality took care of that. Then you started bringing home report cards with straight A's. God, was I embarassed." < Bud drills hole into wall to see girls next door> Al: " That's low son....That's too low. All you'll see is kneecaps." Al: " You don't want a girl with big underpants. 'Cos a girl with big underpants has big things under her pants." Al: " His < Bud's> checks are bouncing all across town so if he didn't see himeself on 'America's Most Wanted,' Kelly did and it's only a matter of time before she recognizes who he is and calls the cops." Episode 712: Christmas ---------------------- Al: " Nothing makes you feel like a kid again at Christmas like opening a two-pack of hooters." Al: " A fat woman came into the store today. She wanted some shoes for a Christmas party. I told her to stand on her hands, put a star in her butt and go as the world's largest, ugliest tree. Then she has the nerve to get mad at me 'cos she's fat." < Al sees he's gotten another inch shorter> Al: " Marriage was shrunk me yet another inch." Peg: " There's not much to spare honey." < Al's talking about the 12 jobs> Al: " So I did the 12 jobs in 12 days. The worst was the crummy Santa gig. I had so many knees and elbows in the groin, I thought I was in bed with the wife." Episode 713: Wedding Show ------------------------- < You don't see Peg and Al. You just hear them> Peg: " It just hangs there lifelessly" Al: " It's mine, Peg" Peg: " I'll straighten it out" Al: " It's too long" Peg: " Women like it long" Al: " I'm the one that's gotta lug it along" < You then see Al and his tie is way too long> < Bud has just had sex with the bride> Kelly: " What did you do?" Bud: " A gentleman never tells. I had sex and I was good." Kelly: " Oh my God" Bud: " That's what she said twice" Kelly: " What, once when you undressed and once when you put your bunny slippers on?" Bud: " Save it for someone not getting any, like mom. Talk all you want, nothing can bring me down" Kelly: " You just had sex with your cousin Jimmy's fiancee." Bud: " That did it." Peg: " Say you love me." Al: " I love beer and bowling. I don't want to cheapen the word." Peg: " This is a historical first. We're in the bedroom and I'm waiting for you to finish." Marcie: " How are these kids gonna know right from wrong. They need a man in their lives." Jefferson: " What are you gonna do? Move in with them." Al: " I'd look good in makeup. I'd be a killer looking babe in a masculine sort of way. I could highligh my eyes. They're my best quality. Baby blue. Just like Sinatra, Newman, the sea. Then there's my second best quality. I'm known for my killer butt." Peg: " yea, it has more hair on it than your head." Al: " It doesn't wake up looking at you in the morning." < Bud's heading to his bedroom with the bride again> Peg: " What a lovely bride." Al: " Well, it looks like we have a while 'til the wedding." < Bud & Kelly steal Marcie's clock> Marcie: " They need to be punished." Jefferson: " How about you sit them down and talk to them for a while. They'll never forget that." Peg: " Zip me up, Al." Al: " Why is it women buy clothes that fasten in the back so they need help. You don't hear men saying 'Hey, Fred. I need help with this zipper.'" Peg: " They're jsut saying 'Hey, Fred. Smell this. I don't need a shower, do I.'" Episode 714: It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This ------------------------------------------------ < Al, Peg, & Marcie got on vacation> Bud: " The hooters I'll be a juggling." Kelly: " Just don't hurt you hands on the staples." Seven: " I'm hungry." Bud: " Kelly's stupid. No one's helping her." Marice: " Jefferson didn't even see me slip out of bed this morning." Al: " Maybe he's still out cold after seeing you slip into bed last night." < Peg & Marcie are fighting> Al: "Girls, girls, girls. Who am I kidding? Seas hags..." Kelly: " I have a thought." < Bud & Jefferson laugh at her> Jefferson: " That's almost as funny as you < Bud> begin good looking." Peg: " Al, I'm not proud of you. Why would I talk about you?" Marcie: " Oh, yea. Who said, 'What's the difference between Al Bundy and an egg? An egg takes 3 minutes to be done.'" Al: < talking about himself> "...What creature would dare disturb him." Peg: " Alllll!" Al: " Why, the loon, of course." < Marcie's at the door> Al: " Look, Peg. It's the paper boy." Marcie: " Oh, shut up, shoe yeti. Peggy, you'll never guess what Jefferson did." Al: " Misunderstand your cries of 'Pluck me' to the butcher." Marcie: " It looks like you misunderstood the cries of 'Pluck me' to the barber." Marcie: " Even though Jefferson has a job, he still charges his lunches on my credit card. You should see the size of the tips he leaves the waitresses and you know what he said when I called him on it. 'Hey babe. I'm good looking.' That's his answer to everything." Al: " What's his answer to 'Hey, where you going with that little boy?'" < Al, Peg, & Marcie leave for vacation> Bud: " I curse you. I curse you to your worst mightmare: an eternity of being together...and you can't leave the bedroom...and grandma's there...and she's out of Depends." Kelly: " Mom, where' do we call him? Starts with an 'L.'" Bud: " Dad?" Kelly: " Yea." Episode 715: Heels On Wheels ---------------------------- TV Voice: " ...NBC. By The way, we're for sale. Call the number on your screen and press '1' to but the evening news, press '2' to buy the entertainment division, press '3' for live NBC executives who will talk to you about your fantasies." < Peg dials the number> Peg: " Hello, I was wondering, if I buy the news division, can I use Tom Brocaw any way I want to? ...Bryany Gumbol! You can keep him." Bud: " I volunteered as a nude model for an all girls art class." Kelly: " Did you have to move around so they could get all the dwarves maked?" Girl: < grabs Bud's butt> " Good things come in small packages." Kelly: " Then you should have him turn around." Kelly: " I'm keeping my bike. It'll keep me young." Bud: " It's not a time machine." Kelly: " It's not your body, either, so keep your hands off it." Kelly: < to Al> " You're right motorcycles are dangerous. Cars are much safer. I didn't feel anything when I hit you." Al: " God, for once I'm actually glad to be home." Al: " This tall brunette came into the store to buy a pair of size 12 pumps. She had a garter belt on and silk stockings like I like. Then she uncrossed her legs like in Basic Instinct. Peg: " Did you see it all?" Al: " Yes, it was a guy." Al: " Do you think I'm..." Peg: " Gay?" Al: " Just 'cos I was vaguely excited touching a man's leg and I don't want to touch you. No, I'm not worried about my sexuality. I was wondering: Am I too sexy for my own good, Peg? I don't want to turn on men so I come to the expert. Peg, how do you make men not want you?" Peg: " Well, apparantly, you marry them." Al: < to Bud> " Do you think that she < babe> was a woman? Just 'cos she looks like one doesn't mean..." Bud: " Did you walk into the wrong nudie bar again?" Al: " How was I supposed to know what the song "Macho Man" meant. It had a good beat and I was dancing with it. I thought all the girls were in the bathroom. You know how they like to go to the bathroom together." Al: " How can I talk Kelly out of this < motorcycle> ? She doesn't listen to me. I don't blame her; I'm an idiot. But I'm not gay, I'm sensitive. I should've had a cycle when I was young. I wouldn't have worn a helmet either. It doesn't take alot of brain capacity to babble "Size 9." Episode 716: Mr. Empty Pants ---------------------------- < Al & Peg are in a beauty shop> Al: < to worker> " Excuse me. I want to prepay. How much for the 100,000 mile overhaul? And while you're at it, can I get a loaner? Do you have something in the back with that new hooter smell?" Peg: " Just pay the man, Al, and baboon out of here." Guy: " That will be $300." Al: " $300! She didn't cost that much when she was new." < Peg takes out a drawing> Jefferson: " When did you start drawing?" Peg: " About an hour after my pulsating shower head broke." Al: " Peg, you looked like you swalloed a canary. Bertha, you look like you swallowed a cow who swalloed a canary. look like a chicken." Al: " Peg, everywhere I go people are pointing and laughing." Peg: " That can't be a recent thing?" Kelly: < to Al> " You're like the pesimist you looks at his pants and thinks they're half empty. You should be like the optometrist who thinks they're half full." Kelly: " Quoth the raven: Demi Moore." Peg: " Al, I've got something that will cheer you up." Al: " What, some spotted owls swoop down and peck the eyes out of some enviromentalists?" Episode 717: You Can't Miss --------------------------- Peg: " We haven't gone to bed together in over 10 years." Al: " We haven't had any kids on over 10 years. I must be doing something right." Peg: " That doesn't mean you were doing something right back then." Al: " Peg, it's sexy how you neuter me this way." < Kelly come in from a date> Al: " Oh my God, we've been up 'til dawn." Kelly: " Why are you two up at the same time? Oh, I know. Bud had a nightmare, he crawled into your bed and he went potty." Peg: " Honey, Bud is 20 years old and it's Saturday night. Now you know very well that he's fast asleep and has been since 8 o'clock and, oh by the way, Al, did you go in and turn off his flashlight?" Al: " I wouldn't stick my hand under those covers." Peg: " Al, rub my heine" Al: " I'm not rubbing your heine if Robin Williams pops out and grants me three wishes." < Bud comes in> Al: " Hey! Bud was out on a Saturday night! How'd it go, son?" Peg: " Oh, Bud, it's 3 AM. You must have something to tell us." Kelly: " Yes, Bud, tell us of your travels in Lonely Land." Bud: " Well, aging maritime toy, I went where all cool guys go. I headed over to the Chippendales parking lot and waited for all the horny old ladies to come out. Then I took off my shirt and started gyrating under a lamp post." Al: " Did you get any, son?" Bud: " Yep, a face full of mace and a spinning back kick to the groin. But, I think, on the way down, I managed to get a fist full of withered heiney." Peg: " Al, give him a high 5." Al: " Can't do it, Peg. If I could fake it that good, we'd be upstairs right now." < Bud's on the dating game> Candi: " How would you create the perfect woman?" Bud: " You're the perfect woman and I'm the perfect man. So let's create the perfect Big-O." Peg: " You're getting sleepy." Al: " Much like the rest of you, your eyelids are dropping more than mine." < They're talking about Bud being dateless> Marcie: " Why can't we let it happen naturally. Some people are just late bloomers. I, myself, was a late bloomer." Al: " Well, whatever bloomed must have got picked 'cos I'm looking at some arid country." Peg: " Al, we're talking about our son." Al: " I'm sorry, I thought I was looking at him." Marcie: " Al, you have a dilemma. We're pretending it's Sunday so you should be changingyour underwear. Or is this the week you turn it inside out and wear the clean side?" < Kelly sees Al's hand in its Sunday position> Kelly: " Oh, my God, it's Sunday!? I've gotta be at work. How did I lose a day? I must have magnesia. What did Gilligan do when he had magnesia? Oh, my God, I don't remember. Gadzoos, I'm losing my short term mammaries." Bud: " All that's left is we have to go back on the game show and she chooses between me and that latent Latin Rodrigo." < Al, Peg, and Kelly talk> Peg: " Honey, I have been chosen to sensitively broach the subject that is on all of our lips: What on God's green Earth would make you believe that anyone, including you mother, would choose you over Rodrigo?" Kelly: " I'd choose Rodrigo." Al: " I'd choose Rodrigo. Hell, I'd choose Rodrigo over your mother." Episode 718: Peggy And The Pirates ---------------------------------- Cast: Al -- Capt Courage Peg -- Scarlet, the maiden Bud -- Flavio, a crewman Kelly -- Watchwoman Marcie -- Cabin boy/girl Jefferson -- Paco Steve -- Rubio the Cruel Yes, Steve made another appearance Peg: " Al, show me your jolly roger." Al: " My roger hasn't been jolly since our wedding night." < Al comes out in chains> Al: " How dare you bother me while I was perusing my copy of 'Sea going C-cups.'" Al: < to Marcie> "One more word out of you and I'll make you walk the plank or, should I say, yourself." Episode 719: Go For The Old --------------------------- < Kelly is making Jiffy Pop popcorn> Kelly: " How can you tell when it's done?" Bud: " When it's as bis as mom's hair, it's done." < movie night> Kelly: " No one will have to yell 'head down' to you at a movie." Bud: " Like anyone's ever seen you head at a movie in 10 years." Al: " She didn't even ask for my driver's license." Peg: " You were standing next to a beautiful young babe." Kelly: " Who were you standing next to?" Al: " The red reaper." Bud: " I hope I don't lose my butt." Kelly: " You couldn't lose your butt in prison." Al: " If I'm going to apply for a senior discount card. I have to hide my sexuality." Peg: " How about a little round band-aid?" Kelly: " Was dad ever a great athlete?" Peg: " He once punched someone in the face, broke 4 tackles straight-armed a person and ran for daylight. He would still be running if my uncle didn't club him with the end of his shotgun and drag him back to the wedding." < Al joins the Old Games> Al: " Nothing can stop me now." Peg: " Except maybe getting it in the cup during the drug testing." < Old ladies sing the national anthem> Kelly: " Well, at least I can say I've now been to a Dead concert." Kelly: " Dad's losing." Peg: " His hair, his teeth, the race. Be specific." Bud: < to Al> "For once in you life, quit while you're behind." Al: " Stamina's my strong point." Peg: " Hah." Al: " Not with you. With you stamina's a bad thing. It prolongs the agony. I mean something that excites a man: sports." Al: " It's only cheating if you get caught." < Al throws the shot> Judge: " 6 inches!" Peg: " Measure it again!" Episode 720: Unalful Entry -------------------------- Peg: " Do you know what would really make me go to sleep?" Al: " Yes, I do. But I don't think we can get Dr. Kevorkian that quick." Al: " Once upon a time there was a lovely princess Peggy.She had everything: breeding, inbreeding, a fat mother...She met a bonny prince Al." Peg: " Were they happy?" Al: " No, not at first. But then she invited her 4 beautiful friends with luscious hooters over. Soon Peggy went to bed and Al & the 8 hooters lived happily ever after." Peg: < looking at her hooters> " Don't listen to him. He still loves you." Al: " They know I love them. It's you I have the problem with." < Cop is at door> Al: " Hello, officer. Did you mistake our place for a donut shop?" Al: " Your honor, if there is a valid law suit here it's 'Bundy vs the Board of Education' because she < Kelly> actually graduated high school." Peg: " Rub my touchy." Al: " Nobody rubs my touchy." Peg: " Well, this weeked, you mow it. I'll rub it." Al: " I can't get to sleep. I'll do what my dad taught me: counting hooters. 2 - 4 - 6 - 8 - ooh, twins - 12..." < Policeman at the door> Al: " Hello, officer. Did you mistake my house for a donut shop?" Police: " Obviously not. There's only 1 of me." Episode 721: Movie Show ----------------------- Al: " The city towed my car again. They thought it was abandoned. Why is that?" Peg: " It's a Dodge, Al. Everytime you see a Dodge, you think it's abandoned." Al: " Dodge says something about you." Peg: " Yea, it says,'Damn, right, I failed.'" Kelly: " I gotta run. Daddy, kiss Frank for me." Al: " Don't worry, Frank. I don't kiss anyone that doesn't cook for me. Ask the wife." Peg: " Men are to be ignored. Just pretend you're married & ignore them." Kelly: " Daddy, what makes men cheat on women?" Al: " Women" Al: " The Bundy's don't celebrate birthdays. Sure it causes emotional marm but it saves a couple of bucks in presents." Al: " Bud, do you know what I'm thinking?" Bud: " Big, luscious hooters." Al: " No, but I should've been." Episode 722: Till Death Do Us Part ---------------------------------- Al: " Oh, Lord, if I ever meant anything to you, please let me fall asleep before she thinks of sex." < Peg & Al had sex previuos night> Al: " I'm surprised you could make it down those steps this morning." Peg: " I was pretty tired. I hope that buzzing didn't keep you awake." Al: " Those darn bees. I think one of them stung you 'cos I heard you scream." < Al compares Peg to a car> Peg: " There's nothing wrong with my belts and hoses. I just need to be driven every once in a while." Al: " I'm Al 'The Mailman' Bundy. I always deliver." Peg: " But mail men are sloe." Al: " Yea, but they don't go to the same house every day." < Peg hold up a $1 bill> Peg: " This is George Washington, the father of our country." Kelly: " I thought that was James Brown." Peg: " He's the godfather of soul." Kelly: " I thought that was Don Corleone." Kelly: " I'm going to the place that got me through high school: the principal's office." Kelly: " I have some great news." Bud: " You found your underwear in the park." Kelly: " If I'm ever looking for them, I know you're wearing them." Al: " If my little girl can train herself to hold a thought, I can train myself to hold my wife." Al: " Peg, you weren't satisfied?" Peg: " I used to call you the minute man. Now I long for those days. Marcie was comforting, though. She said the sooner it was over with you, the better." Guy: " Hey, Al. Have sex with your wife 50 times. I'm cooking an egg." Al: " Why don't you use the time it takes your son to get out of his dress, Donnelly." Kelly: " Do you remember my boyfriend, T Bone?" Al: " No, but he sounds delicious." Peg: " Al, I got you some Aurora while < toilet paper> and a burrito. Come on, Al, brake 'em both open." Al: " No, my self-esteem, my sexuality, my whole manhood has been taken away from me. I never want to goto the bathroom again." Peg: " Well, maybe we can get he curl out of the wallpaper. And the birds will come back again." Bud: " Dad, so you killed a squirel. If it wasn't you, it would be a cook in a Chinese restaurant." Al: < Al calls olds flames> " Could I speak to Marilyn Fisher...Oh, she's Mrs. O'Brian now...Um, hum...You're the husband, I see... Could you do me a favor? My name's Al Bundy. Could you ask her if she meant it when she said she had them all but I was the best... Oh, she's breast feeding. That brings back memories." Episode 723: Tis Time To Smell The Roses ---------------------------------------- Al: " Marriage stinks, have a kid. Kid stinks, have another kid." Al: " I don't know what to do." Peg: " That hasn't stopped you before." < Al's with a fat lady named Mrs. Blaub> Al: " Mrs Blob..." Fat Lady: " That's 'Blaub.'" Al: " I know you're name. It was a descriptive term." < Al looks for a job> Al: " I won't take just anything like you at a buffet. What do you have for me?" Fat Lady: " Some Mennen Speedstick in my desk." Al: " Let me give you a tip. It goes underneath your arms if you can ever get them horizontal." Al: < to the 3 Habib's> " There's no money in shoes. I was selling shoes when you were just a gleam in a New York cabbie's eyes." Episode 724: The Old Insurance Dodge ------------------------------------ < Al has marks on face> Al: " I can't go into work. I have chicken pocs." Peg: " That's just iodine. You trired that trick on our wedding night." Al: " Somebody call the police." Bud: " But the call costs more than the car." Al: " Yea, and it costs more that the condom I should have used on the night you were conceived." < Al is on phone to police> Al: " The crime: someone stole my 1974 Dodge. Hello? Hello?...< Al redials the #> ...Bribe taking, donut sucking, trigger happy... Hello, yes officer, I'd like to report a kidnapping. How tall? 4 feet tall. 5 feet wide. Smoke belching out the rear. Weighs about 2 tons. No, it's not Oprah. No, it's not Delta Burke. Who would call and complain if she was missing?" Kelly: " I'm gonna miss the Dodge. I went to school in it. I grew up in it. I felt like I was born in it." Peg: " You sure were conceived in it." Kelly: " I remember when you used to lock me in the Dodge when you couldn't find a babysitter." Al: " Yea, pumpkin, we always left the window open just a crack for you, didn't we. Just like we did for Buck." Peg: " Al, you remember the time we tried to outrun the cops in the Dodge?" Al: " Yea, but he eventually caught us, though. He's pretty fast for a guy on foot. I mean, it's not just the car. It's the precious items it held: my 8-track tape player, the last great American sound system. 8-tracks are to today's stereo systems what a girlfriend is to a wife: an earlier, better version." Marcie: " Well, someone stole your Dodge, Al. It's your own fault. You should know better than to leave it parked outside on garbage day. I bet that somebody stole it to start a new limosine service. You know, for those people who can't quite afford the luxury of Greyhound." Al: " Marcie, how can you be so unfeeling. Do you know what it's like to wake up and find something missing. Sure you do, every morning when you open your pajama top." Marcie: " Or your pajama bottoms. Al: " Yea, right. Peg set her straight." < Peg doesn't say a word> < Marcie and Jefferson have Al's stereo and tapes> Al: " This theif is not only stupid but he has no taste in music. Wait a second. Wait a second. I wonder where Michael Bolton was this morning. Well, if they don't arrest him for his singing they won't arrest him for this." Al: " How and I gonna tell him < insurance guy> that I forgot about all that stuff?" Jefferson: " Tell him you had a lot on your mind. How's he gonna know your mind's as empty as your trunk was?" Al: " How's he gonna know I'm an idiot?" Bud: " Kelly, what are you watching Spanish television?" Kelly: " Spanish? I though it was just some English words I didn't understand." < Al comes in wearing a suit> Kelly: " Wow daddy, you look good enough to bury." Peg: " Al, you look great. I'd marry you all over again if I didn't know it was you...but I I won't." < Al gets old car back> Al: " Getting a new car is like trading you < Peg> in for a blonde with shiny, factory warranteed hooters. Sure, the first few times you ride it, it's fun. But in the long run, and this is the part that depresses me more every day, you're the one I want." Peg: " Oh, Al!" Al: " But don't touch me." Peg: " Al, here's your lunch and the garbage." Al: " Peg, I can't believe that you made my lunch." Peg: " I just separated the garbage into 2 bags." Al: " Peg, it's gone, somebody stole my car." Peg: " Don't be rediculous, Al. Who would steal the Dodge? That would be like someone stealing my engagement ring." Bud: " Or one of Kelly's ideas." Kelly: " Or Bud." Episode 725: The Wedding Repercussions -------------------------------------- Al: " You look good tonight." Peg: " How many beers have you had?" Al: " 10." Peg: " So I guess you're a 6-pack short of sex." Al: " At least." Al: < to Jimmy> " Congrats on your breakup. You already had the honeymoon, that's the best part. It it last any longer, you end up with this < Peg> and if you're lucky, you get a couple of these < Bud & Kelly> ." Al: " Son, are we alone?" Bud: " Yes." Al: " Good, then you're the only one I have to get rid of." Bud: " Dad, can I talk to you." Al: " Why me? Get a friend." Al: " Remember the Bundy credo: Lie if your wife is a waking Lie if your belly is aching Lie if you think she's faking Lie, sell shoes, lie" Bud: " Is that really the Bundy credo?" Al: " No, it's really: Hooters, Hooters, Yum, Yum, Yum Hooters, Hooters on a girl that's dumb But the father in me felt that you needed a wholesome message at this time." Jefferson: " Jimmy beat me up and he broke my little horse. He thinks I slept with his wife." Al: " Let him sleep with yours. That will even it out." Bud: " Why did he beat you up?" Jefferson: " He said he was looking for a gorgeous guy that women would find irresistable. God, I wish I looked like you two < Al & Bud > ...No, I don't." Jefferson: " Marcie, If I wanted a young,pretty, sexy woman, why would I have married you." Al: " Why go out for a succulent steak when you have a dried up piece of jerky at home?" Marcie: " Peg, Jefferson was cheating on me." Peg: " Well, when you age, they'll start looking elsewhere." Al: " It's not your looks that keep me here, it's mine." Bud: " I only slept with his < Jimmy's> wife, what does he want from me?" Al: " Bud, just relax. I know how to handle this. When I was young, I met alot of bog, stupid bullies." Peg: " Al, when you were growing up, you were the big, stupid bully." Al: " Yea, I was. I was good at it, too. But I wasn't just big and stupid. I was also mean. I used to scare people like your mother scares me." < Bud brushes Kelly's hair> Kelly: " Bud, remember, 100 strokes." Bud: " Right, Kel. 8, 9, 16, 44, 100." Kelly: " OK. You know it's a good thing you didn't cheat 'cos I was counting along with you. You're a good slave and a damn fine eunch." Bud: " You're no gonna tell Jimmy, right." Kelly: " Not as long as my little leprecaun keeps granting my wishes. Now don't forget to pick up my cleaning, hang up my pantyhose, and, oh, try not to get tangled up in them this time... < Kelly feels her hair> ...Hey, you did good work. It's hard to believe you're straight, very hard." Bud: " Am I doing the wrong thing by lying?" Al: " Don't ever say that, son. The Bundy's proud name was built on a philosophy of lying. Well, lying, owing money and perhaps beer. Yes, lying, owing money, and beer. The only thing that separates us from the Kennedy's is that they have money." Al: < to Bud> " Do anything you want to anyone you want. Just don't wear a dress." Episode 726: The Proposition ---------------------------- < Al bendover> Marcie: " I thought that the moon was made of green cheese but now I know." Al: " Jealous little ironing board." Al: < to Coco> " You haven't been introduced. This is our neighbor Marcie. As you can see she used your vanishing cream on her breasts and they disappeared." Coco: < to Peg> " I'll offer you $500,000 < for Al> ." Al: " I'm being treated like a piece of meat and I have to sat that...I like it." Bud: " Al Bundy, male hooker." Al: " It does have a nice ring to it." Peg: " You really know her < CoCo> , Al?" Al: " I don`t want to say anything in front of the kids. But she co-piloted the Starship Bundy for a couple of seasons. What do you think of your old dad now?" < Bud & Kelly laugh> Bud: " Come one, dad. You never had a beautiful woman your whole life. Seriously mom, could you picture did wuth even a mildly attractive woman?" Al: " Look, I know I look much the same as I did when I was a strapping, sexy high school star so it doesn't surprise me when you say you want me. But look closely in the death that are my'll see I'm married." Coco: " I'm sorry to hear that." Al: " I'm sorry to say that." Jefferson: " You're Coco. I buy your products. You've been on parts of my body that even she < Marcie> hasn't touched." Marcie: " It's an honor to meet you. I write you checks for $1000 every month. I owe my man's softness to you." Peg: " My man's softness comes naturally." Peg: " $500,000 for this < Al> . I don't get it. But then, I haven't been getting it for 20 years. We can't sell daddy." Kelly: " Mom, when you say 'we,' I hope you mean 'oui,' as in French for 'Hell yes we'll sell daddy and colaborate with the Germans.' Ergo, which is French for 'Yes take our country but please let us live to make our creamy sauces,' I saw we take the $500,000 and bib daddy adieu, which is French for `A deer, a female deer.' So, in closing, I'd like to say one thing "S-E-L-L....Sell Daddy."" Bud: " Dad, take a long hard look at yourself. You tell me what other possibility there is out there for a man made of fudge ...< Bud slaps Al> ...Snap out of it, man. Sell your worthless damn body and soul. It's better than selling shoes. At least, we'll finally be able to tell people what you do. You'll be Al Bundy, male hooker." Al: " You're on my side of the bed." Coco: " What's the difference?" Al: " What if I get up in the middle of the night, get confused, and go to the bathroom in the hall?" Episode 801: A Tisket, A Tasket, Can Peggy Make A Basket -------------------------------------------------------- Peg: " Your father will be home soon looking for dinner. Tell him I hope he finds it." Bud: " But, Mom, you'll miss dad's episode of 'A Fat Woman came into the Shoe Store Today.'" Peg: " I already know how it ends: he doesn't get the sale or a life." Al: " This woman came in and she wa so fat she actually had 3 smaller women orbiting around her." Marcie: " Peggy, do I have the most romantic husband or what? Guess where Jefferson's taking me tonight." Peg: " On the kitchen table?" Jefferson: " These reunion concerts are great. They stir memories of the good times you had with the woman you love and the great times with the women you barely knew." Peg: " Al, how come we don't go to concerts?" Al: " It's because we don't like the same people. For example, you like you. But, Peg, I promise you that the day they put Captain and Tonielle on a life support system, we'll be among the first to see them unplugged." < Kelly has a tight dress on> Kelly: " I'm going to the All-star game tonight." Bud: " Wait. How'd you get a ticket?" Kelly: " I don't need a ticket. I'm young, available and I look like this." Kelly: < to Bud> " The Eagle Scouts called. Your merit badge in celibacy came in." < Peg pulls on doll's leg> Peg: " Look, Al. It's my very own Patrick Ewing groin pull doll." Al: " That's nice, Peg. At least you won't be doing that to me now. Now listen, Peg. This is the first time you've been to a game so let me explain the rules of basketball. Rule #1: no tallkin. And when you break Rule #1, and you will, there's Rule #2, which is, if I look at pretty girls walking up and down the aisles, and I will, you can't say 'Are they prettier than me.' Always know the answer will be 'Yes, she is' and, in some cases, 'Yes, he is.'" Peg: " I want you to go with me < to the bathroom> to keep the guys from leering at me." Al: " Peg, they're not leering at you. They're laughing at me." Al: " Do you know what I could do with $10000?" Peg: " Take 10000 trips to the nudie bar." Al: " No, Peg, just 1 great one." < Peg takes shot> Clyde Drexler: " If we had her instead of Ainge, we would've won the championship." < Peg misses shot> Peg: " You're not mad?" Al: " I wanted it. I need it. I deserved it. How else could it have ended?" Peg: " So, it's your fault." Al: " From the moment I said 'I do.'" Episode 802: Hood In The Boyz ----------------------------- Marcie: " Jefferson's taking me to the beach in the morning." Peg: " The beach, huh? I can't remember when Al took me to the beach. I can't remember when Al took me." Marcie: " Peggy ,it's such a shame you didn't marry into your own species. Vertabrates love to go places with their wives. Take Jefferson..." Peg: " Like you wouldn't want him back." Marice: " For example, I meant. In the book I got him,' The Woman is Always right,' Jefferson has learned the ABC's of any good marriage...< she snaps her fingers> ." Jefferson: " Appreciation, Balance, and Consideration." Peg: " Al believes in the ABC's of a good marriage, too: Air conditioning, beer, and 'Could you shut up so I can enjoy my air conditioning and beer.'" Peg: " Al, how come you never take me to the beach?" Al: " What's the point? You'll always find your way back." Marcie: " I really wish you two were coming with us. I hate seeing Al shirtless as much as anyone but there's no better way to feep the flies off the food." Al: " Well, on the brightside, there's no lifeguard that would give her mouth to beak resucitation." < Jefferson tells Al about his old love, Marcy McGuire> Al: " Guess who I heard from, my Marcy McGuire. Should have seen her. She was the most beautiful girl in the neighborhood." Jefferson: " So, did you do her." Al: " You're a toad, you know that, Jefferson. Why would I say I was in love with her if I had sex with her?" Peg: " Gee, Al, I wish you could feel my heart." Al: " I wish I could feel your throat." Peg: " I wanna fool around." Al: " Then it would be like our first honeymoon." Peg: " Not if we fool around together." Peg: " Of course, you were king of the streets once, honey. You and your boys. You remember 'Crazy' Andy Guzik, Pete 'The Beak' Brombolo, Tony 'The Tongue' McCulloch.." Al: " Wait a minute, Peg. I never knew anyone named Tony The Tongue." Peg: " Well, I guess he must've been one of my boys." Al: " I'm a moron, Ray Ray. We're all morons. That's what comes from being a man. From the first little worm they dare us to eat to the last big shovel full of snow they convince us to move, we're nothing more to women than an amusement part ride with life insurance." Al: " You ski?" RayRay: " No." Al: " You will someday if a girl wants you to. We all will. We'd burdle down the mountain so fast that the crack of our bodies bitting the tree wouldn't resonate in their ears before we'd pounce up and say 'I'm OK.' They'd know were not OK. Hell, even if they miss that pair of squirrels running away with our hacky sacks, one glance down at the color of the snow would hint that there might be some trauma." Episode 803: Proud To Be Your Bud --------------------------------- Kelly: " Speaking of nothing, where's Bud?" Peg: " Well, you know it's the start of another school year and Bud's trying on a new persona in the hope of getting a date." Kelly: " He has as much a chance at getting a date as the cast of ROC does getting served at Denny's." Al: " As you know, I've been having trouble finding an alternator for my Dodge." Peg: " And a deodorant that your body won't reject." Al: " And a wife my body won't reject." Marcie: " Al, have you seen a man?" < Al looks at Marcie> Al: " No, but I've seen a woman that will make one sterile." < Al is on the phone to a used car parts store> Phone: " ...Your response indicates that you own a Burnt Siena mid- century Dodge with 800,000 miles. To verify this information, Press 1." < Al presses 1> Phone: " Hello, Mr Bundy." Episode 804: Luck Of The Bundys ------------------------------- Peg: " I bought a new dress. How do you like it?" Al: " I don't know. I'll have to see it without you in it. What do you need a new dress for? There's no one in the TV looking out at you." Peg: " My horoscope says 'Buy a new dress. You are about to embark on a new and unique undertaking.'" Al: " The 'undertaking' does have a nice ring to it." Peg: " When's your birthday?" Al: " It's 2 months after yours. The only difference is that I have mine once a year." < Peg reads Al's horoscope> Kelly: " I have some bad news." Al: " It can't be. The horror with te scope says 'Godd lucks a comin.'" < The diner's closing> Kelly: " Well, I'm out of a J-O-D." Al: " That means you won't have enough money to move O-U-L." Al: " Even if Kelly does leave, Bud's still here. And only having 1 kid at home is like only having 1 noose around your neck." Al: " Have you ever heard of the Bundy curse?" Peg: " You mean the foot odor thing?" Al: " The other curse: the minute a Bundy has good luck he immediately starts building up an equal amount of bad luck. It's simple Bundy-nomics." < Bud's in a fraternity> Bud: " I'm in." Peg: " Words a male Bundy has never uttered before." < Al's living in a bunker in the living room> Al: " With all this good luck I've been having, I'm afraid to leave the bunker 'cos then something bad's sure to happen and I'll be in for a fate worse than death or, considering I married your mother, a fate worse than life." < Jefferson cons Marcie about poker game> Marcie: " These men have important work to do." Peg: " They all do. They're just not any good at it." < Al has a great poker hand> Al: " I have the same feeling of dread that I get when Peg finishes a romance novel." < Al wins poker hand and Jefferson hugs him> Jefferson: " I love you Al." Al: " I hope those are chips in your pocket." Jefferson: " Mostly." Episode 805: Banking On Marcie ------------------------------ < Al watches a rap video> Peg: " What's that one called?" Al: " 'Pump That Rump' I'm really into it." Peg: " If history teaches us anything, you'll be out of it in 7 seconds." Marcie: " Guess what happened at the back today." Al: " A stick up man gave you his mask to wear?" Al: " Why are you here?" Marcie: " I wanted to talk to Peggy privately." Al: " No, why here on Earth?" < Marcie talks about talking during sex> Al: " Hey! I'll be having dinner later." Peg: " I'll be having sex later so I guess we'll both be cooking for ourselves." Episode 806: No Chicken, No Check --------------------------------- < Al comes home> Al: " I guess my cries this morning of 'If you're gonna use the car, please, please, I beg you, pick me up from work' was a little vague." Al: " Peg, would you like a BMW?" Peg: " I kinda see myself in a Jaguar." Al: " Oh, if we could only find one that hungry." Al: " Children...oh, what the hell, wolfen...let me tell you something about sharing. Don't do it. It can only come to trouble. Your mother can I shared a bed and nothing good came out of it." Peg: " Maybe that's because nothing good came into it." Kelly: " Don't touch that car. We don't know where your hands have been." Bud: " Then you better not sit in it." Kelly: " This guy could do wonders for my career so I asked him out on a date in my new car." Al: " Not so fast, pumpkin. You're gonna need to be covered." Kelly: " Isn't that the guy's responsibilty." < Bud sees the chicken> Bud: " South 40 insurance, dad?" Al: " It's a damn fine company, son. The farmer's best friend next to a sheep and a tall wheat field." Bud: " Kelly, I got a date with this foreign exchange student so easy she makes you look like a calculus problem." Kelly: " You can't have the car tonight because I'm going out with Neuter < the guy in the cat costume> ." Bud: " You can go out with dad anytime." Kelly: < to Bud> " It's just so unusual for me to see you with a date that doesn't require a patch kit." Al: " Where's my food?" Peg: " I gave it to the poor." Al: " So it's still around here." Kelly: " Do you mean that a couple of seconds of cheap sex means more to you than my happiness?" Bud: " A milkshake means more to me than your happiness." Kelly: < to guy> " This island that you own. Is it near the beach?" < Al eats the chicken> Al: " You hate to see me east, Peg. It's in and it's staying in." Peg: " Yeah, I've heard that before." Episode 807: Take My Wife, Please --------------------------------- Peg: " Mr. Grover here doesn't believe in Halloween but I say we ring his doorbell over and over again anyhow." Bud: " How come?" Peg: " He's a Jehovah's Witness and I just want him to know what it feels like for a change." < Al had on a dinosaur costume> Al: " Oh, how I hate Halloween...< to Buck> ...Ask me how much I hate Halloween...More than that. They make all us employees put on costumes like some lady's gonna say 'Gee, I wasn't, I wasn't gonna buy any shoes today...but since I see you're in a dinosaur costume, I will.' The way home from work wouldn't have been so bad if the kids had actually filled the gas tank instead of painting the needle on the gauge full. But then again, I don't mind pushing the old Dodge through gang territory 'cos I'm the mighty Stegasaurus." Death: < to Al> "Tell you what. Anytime between now and midnight, if any member of your family says that they need you, in any way, I'll let you live." Al: " All my family has to do is say that they need me." Death: " That's right." Al: " Just once?" Death: " Just once." Al: "...I'll get my suitcases." Episode 808: Scared Single -------------------------- < Al throws guy on the floor> Guy: " You'll be hearing from my laywers." Al: " Threats don't scare me. I'm married." Football Player: " Al Bundy? The all-state Al Bundy?" Al: " I was." Football Player: " I thought you died in 'Nam." Al: " Actually, I started that rumor. I died here at home. A victim of Agent Red." Al: " I got a scholarship to goto college." Football Player: " What happened?" Al: " I didn't go. Tackle broke my leg. Wife broke her water." Peg: " What's wrong? Your face looks weird." Al: " It's called a smile, Peg." Al: " I, too, am a great believer in love. I want to find it myself some day. Let me give you a little bit of advice. Bed 'em, don't wed 'em. Do 'em, don't woo 'em. Date 'em, don't mate 'em." Football Player: " Where are we going?" Al: " The mall lounge or, as we call it, 'The Valley of Death.'" < husbands are all around> Al: " There they are, son. The lost souls, The feeble. The meek. The married. And over there is the lowest of the low: the ones relegated to holding their wives purses." Football Player: " What's wrong with him < he points to a crying man> ." Al: " His wife is shopping at Victoria's Secret. His wife bought a garter belt last week and they haven't seen it since." < The husbands sing their song> Al: " That's the 'Marrying Man's Fight Song.' That and 'Taps.'" Al: " Peg, I made a mistake. Before today, I thought that all women were useless. Now I realize that it's just you. I thought that all men were destined to marry the worst possible mate. Now I realize it's just me." Episode 809: No Ma'am --------------------- Kelly: " Quick, Bud, change the channel. It's sweeps month so Christian Slater's gonna show America his butt." Bud: " This may come as a surprise to you. Then again, the fact that people can ride upright in the back seat of a car came as a surprise to you. But there are more important things than Christian Slater's butt. For instance, there is the President's press conference." TV Voice: " We interrupt the President's press conference for Christian Slater's butt." < The host of the Masculine Feminist is introducing the sponsor> Jerry: " 'I Can't Believe it's a Tampon' It feels so natural, you're gonna wish it's always that time of the month." Kelly: " 'The Masculine Feminist' What does that mean?" Bud: " It means he likesshow tunes." < Al loses his bowling night > Al: " Hi, honey, I'm home. Why am I early on what used to be my bowling night? Good question. Thank you for asking. Well, as I entered the bowling alley for a night of bonding, brewskies and barfing, what did I see? Women...bowling...over hand. So naturally, I went up to one of these donut depositoried and said in my nicest voice,' Wedge it out the door, beef load. It's my night to bowl.' But, instead of coming back at me verbally like I did to them, they took their dought fists and pounded on me until a mutual agreement was reached that I leave. Anyway, when I regained consciousness in a burning trashcan I realized: A, Thursday nights is now ladies' night and, B, you don't want to know how a bum puts out a trashcan fire." Al: " If God had wanted women to bowl, he wouldn've put breasts on their backs so we would have something to watch while waiting our turn." Jerry: " And where are you calling from, sir? 1952?" Al: " I wish. Ike was in the White House. Women were in the kitchen. And you were in the closet." < It's Thursday night. The guys are deciding what to do > Al: " Let's see what's playing. Here's a gripping drama about a newlywed couple waiting at their new house for their furniture to arrive. It's called 'Where, O Where is the Mayflower Man.'" Jefferson: " Any boobs?" Al: " William Hurt and Glenn Close." < Guys yell > Guy 1: " We could go to the newsstand and buy a magazine." Al: " But where would we hide it?" Guy 2: " How about in your wife's hair?" Al: " How about in your wife's chins?" Al: " I know where we can go: to the last great bastion for the red-blooded, Amerian male, where there's no such thing as ladies' night." Guys: " At the nudie bar!" Al: " Where a buck's enough to see their stuff." Guys: " At the nudie bar!" Jefferson: " Where the breasts may be fake but man fo they shake." Guys: " At the nudie bar!" Guy 1: " Where you swear like a sailor and wish you could nail 'er." Guys: " At the nudie bar!" Al: " Where there's a cop at the door and a Kennedy on the floor." Guys: " At the nudie bar!" Al: " Boy, they really hit us where it hurts this time: turning the nudie bar into a coffee house. What are we gonna do with our Saturday nights?" Guy 2: " We could play bon bon toss with you wife." Al: " We could play peanut toss with the elephant that you call your wife." Al: " Doesn't the Constitution guaranty us the right to life, nudity, and the pursuit of happiness?" < Al and the guys take over the Masculine Feminist show > Al: " Tonight's broadcast of the Masculine Feminist has been commandeered by the secret society, No Ma'am: National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood." Al: " Every day for the past 30 years, you high-heeled pit bulls have blamed us for everything from not being able to get into Harward to not being able to get into stretch pants...We have some demands and, if these demands are not met, we're gonna take this masculine feminist < Jerry > and perform television's first sexocism." Al: " Demand 1: You gals want a ladies' night? Try having it in the kitchen cooking for a man. Demand 2: Don't put on a dress and ask us if you look fat. Besides, it's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat that makes you look fat. Demand 3: Don't ask us to talk or to cuddle after sex or before sex or during sex. You're lucky if we take our pants off." Jefferson: " Demand 4: Don't ask us to say ' I love you ' over the phone. It's hard enough to say it to someone we're paying a dollar a minute to talk to." Guy 2: " Demand 5: Stop talking about Fabio." Al: " Those are our 5 demands. We had 5 more written down but someone couldn't blow his nose without a hankie. So ladies you have 30 minutes." Guy 2: " Which is 2 hours in woman's time." Peg: " What about Berkowitz? We could change our name to that." Bud: " Nah." Kelly: " Can't spell it." Bud: " What about Borden?" Kelly: " Can't spell that, either." Bud: " What can you spell?" Kelly: " Cat. So let's look in the K's" < Peg and the kids are leaving > Peg: " Honey, did you shut off the phone?" Kelly: " Yes." Peg: " Stop the mail?" Bud: " Yup." Peg: " Cancel the newspaper?" Kelly: " Yes. Won't the Darcy's be mad? I mean, it's their paper." Marcie: " About your demand that you not talk during sex, the only reason we ask you to is so that we know when you're finished." Marcie: " You need us more than we need you." Al: " You're on No Ma'am's land now, baby. So let's set the record straight. You need us jar opening, oil changing, spider squishing, furniture rearranging men more than we need you." E Episode 810: Dancing With Weezie -------------------------------- Marcie: " Peg, I got 'em. Center aisle. The best seats in the house for the greatest show on earth." Bud: " What, Public Enemy?" Kelly: " Nirvana?" Bud: " Carla and her Amazing Disappearing Vegatables? I mean the rock group not the blond stripper who's making a squash disappear for Thanksgiving." Jefferson: " When was the last time the Cubs won the World Series?" Al: " 1908." Peg: " And you can't remember when we were married." Al: " Same year, 1908. The only difference is baseball's still interesting." Peg: " Maybe that's because they score more than once a season." Peg: " Al, we have been talking about his for 2 days. You never listen to me." Al: " Why would I? Got the TV." Peg: " I know. It's the only thing you've turned on in 20 years." Al: " If you came with a remote and a mute botton, I might turn you on now and then." < Al, Jefferson, Marcie, and Peg are at the "Jeffersons' Live"> Marcie: " Let's open our 'Movin On Up' souvenir bags." Al: " We can use then when our dinner starts movin' on up." < Bud and Kelly pretend to be Al & Jefferson at the show> Kelly: " This is the lowest thing I've ever done...< Bud looks at her> ...Ok, the lowest thing I've ever been paid to do...< Bud looks at her> ...Ok, the lowest thing I've been paid to do that I didn't enjoy." Episode 812: Just A Little Off The Top -------------------------------------- Marcie: " Men are stupid...and then there's Al. Playing football with Arron and a bunch of college guys." Peg: " He says he's in shape." Marcie: " Oh, please. If Al didn't have to bend over to steal our paper every morning, he wouldn't get any exercise at all." Peg: " Yea, but you know, in Al's defense, football's always meant alot to him. In fact, it's the only time he can still go deep." Marcie: " Football is so stupid. Why don't you men do something positive with your free time? Do you know what my women's group was doing this morning?" Al: " Having 'This Side Up' mowed into the hair on their chests?" < Peg's on a pay phone and there's a line behind her> Guy: " Look, ma'am, my wife has just given birth to triplets." Peg: " Congratulations, who's the father?" < Al had surgery> Doctor: " There is some good news. He is alive." Peg: " How alive? Can he walk? Can he talk? Will he ever be able to work again?" Doctor: " He's a shoe salesman, Mrs. Bundy. We could replace his brain with a sock full of popcorn and he'd still be able to work." Al: < to Kelly> "A word of warning. Anyone who says 'What's up' goes down. It wasn't fuuny when the doctor asked it. It wasn't funny when the nurse asked it. And it certainly wasn't funny when your mother asked it." Peg: " Then again...I've been asking for years." Kelly: " So how's your...ah, back?" Al: " Fine. Not that they did anything to it. For some odd reason, I feel less concerned about it. Peg, would you have any idea why I'd feel less concerned about it?" Kelly: " I do. I do." Al: " Pumpkin?" Kelly: " Because you're in so much pain from the circumcision." Al: " Correct. And while we're on that subject. Does anyone know why such a wacky thing happened to daddy in the first place? Kelly: " Because mommy made you go to the hospital." Al: " Close, sweetheart. Mommy married daddy first then made him go to the hospital." Al: " Did you know that daddy's nurse was a fat woman who used to come into the shoe store? I say 'used to' because her patronage fell off because one day she asked for something to make her feet look smaller and I said 'Try your ass.' She remembered and we laughed. The she picked up a cathedar the size of a boa constrictor." < Al has a flowery dressing gown on and the kids look at him> Al: " What?" Kelly: " Exactly how much did they cut off?" Episode 813: The Worst Noel --------------------------- Marcie: " Do you have any contraceptives?" Al: " I have a magazine with Whoppi Goldberg on the cover." < Al's watch women's oil wrestling> Peg: " is this wrestling?" Al: " No, Peg, it's C-SPAN. That's Sandra Day O'Connor and Ruth Baird Ginsberg settling their differences." Peg: " Look, 'It's a Wonderful Life.'" Al: " Peg, I hate this movie." Peg: " How can you hate 'It's a Wonderful Life?'" Al: " Because it's a horrible life. Do you know the reason they never made a sequal? Because, when the guy came back, he killed himself. and this time he took that angel with him. This must be written by a woman. This stinks. It bites. It blows." Peg: " Honey, how come you never wrestle with me?" Al: " Because I end up on top of you or you end up on top of me and, either way, I lose." Peg: " You know, I have just one thing to say about oil wrestling." Al: " What?" Peg: " Do we have to watch this thing?" Al: " What is it. You look over and see a smile on my face and say 'I can't have this?'" Peg: " No, Al, I just thought it would be nice if we could enjoy something together." Al: " We tried that on our honeymoon, Peg. Remember how we cried?" < Jefferson's raiding Al's kitchen for his party> Jefferson: " ...any beer?" Al: " Gonna have sex with the wife tonight, huh? Well, you'll need a couple of 6 packs. Do you want a bag?" Jefferson: " Nah, I'll just carry them." Al: " No, I mean for your wife." Al: " Look, Peg, it's the Christmas episode of Psycho Dad." Peg: " Not again." Al: " It's a classic. This is the one where you find out how he got those 8 reinbeer heads on his wall." TV Voice: " The Black Entertainment Network presents 'It's a Malcolm X-Mas.'" < Al & Peg fight over the remote> Peg: " I go too slow. You go too fast. What does that remind you of?" TV Voice: " For those who missed the first 53 airings, NBC presents 'Cheers: The final episode.'" Peg: " What does 'Cheers' have to do with Christmas?" Al: " What does NBC have to do with television?" Al: " Oh, No. Not the 'Sally Struthers Feed the Thord World' channel. Sally, open your purse up. I'm sure there's enough Ding Dong's and Ho Ho's in there to start a new 7-11." Peg: " This is the TV movie version of 'It's a Wonderful Life.' It's from a female perspective staring Susan Pleichette." Al: " Who plays the female?" Episode 814: Honey, I Blew Up Myself ------------------------------------ < Fat lady is trying on shoes> Fat Lady: " I'm not sure I like this shade of blue." Al: " I'll tell you what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front of a mirror. I'll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell 'moo' and I'll stop." Fat Lady: " That's it. I'm taking my business elsewhere." Al: " May I suggest Jenny Craig." Al: " I'm not selling shoes for the money, Aaron. I'm in it to torture fat women." Jefferson: " Marcie and I wanted to wish you many happy returns. Actually, Marcie wanted to wish you'd get caught downwind of your feet and die." Al: " Aaron, let me explain something to you. When you've been married as long as I have, you do not want to see your wife topless. Speechless, maybe. Headless, naturally." < Peg decorates Al's cake> Peg: " Now, do we have any candles?" Bud: " Nope, dad said no candles this year 'cos of last year's mishap." Kelly: " Hey, I just thought that Roman candles meant that they were imported. You know...from Romany." Bud: " It's amazing. Dad's looks and Buck's brains." Buck: " At least I've never tried to date one of my plastic toys." < Al's car lets off smoke> Kelly: " Is it him?" Bud: " I can't tell. It's either daddy or there's a new Pope." < Al gets 2 identical ugly ties from the kids> Al: " Two of something I don't want. That's the second time that's happened." Al: " So what did you get me this year, Peg? My usual 'Get out of Sex Free' card?" < Peg has a sexy picture taken of herself for Al> Peg: " Come on, honey, tell me what you think." Al: " Well, I think you look.... WIFE-O-METER: Well, I think you look.... A) OLD Consequences: Groin Pull Possible head trauma B) Good after 10 beers Consequences: Groin Pull. Definite head trauma C) Beautiful Consequences: Groin Pull after failure to keep straight face D) Nice Consequences: Meaningless compliment accepted. Meaningless marriage continues ...nice." Peg: " I want you to take this < the picture> to work with you and hang it up so I can be with you all day long." Al: " That kinda defeats the purpose of going to work, doesn't it?" Peg: " No more than you pay check does." Al: " I've been married to Peg for over 20 years. I've seen her from the front. I've seen her from the back. I've seen her in a chair. I've seen her in a sack. I've seen her stand. I've seen her crouch. I've seen her on her stupid couch. I do not like her in the mall. I do not like her in the hall. I do not like her in my life. I do not like my big red wife." < Al, Jefferson, & Aaron look at Peg's billboard> Jefferson: " I'd do her." Al: " Oh, you're a guy with high standards. You'd do Marcie." Al: " Jefferson, you're good at talking people into things. I mean you talked Marcie into thinking you married her for her looks." Peg: " Kids, what do you think < about the billboard> ?" Bud: " I think you look...nice." Kelly: " You can see her from space." Bud: " You would know...Dad, we'd love to hang around and share your proudest moment but anything came up and we gotta go." Al: " I haven't asked for much and God knows I've gotten it." Aaron: " Why don't you just tell your wife you're jealous and get it over with?" Al: " Aaron, let me explain something to you. You don't know anything. Even if a man is jealous, he can never, ever tell that to a woman. Well, that's like saying 'Here, here's a hand granade. Put it down my pants.' Once they know you're jealous, they've got you by your Bobbit. You will have lost your lst ounce of dignity and, like the once mighty Mahi Mahi, you'll end up on a PooPoo platter in the TiKi hut of life." < Al's speaking in front of FANG: Feminists Against Neanderthal Guys> Al: "...ladies..." Marcie: " We prefer to be called gyno-Americans." Al: " Then rhino-Americans it is." < Al's still talking to Fang> Al: "...I want you to teach them that a woman's body is to be feared, to be reviled, and, in the case of most of you, to be kept totally covered at all times." Al: " Women, can't live with them. Can't herd 'em all into Canada." Episode 815: Sofa So Good ------------------------- < Al and Peg go to the Wanker family renunion> Al: " Have we got everything? Water purification tablets?" Peg: " Check." Al: " Meat, fish, grain purification tablets?" Peg: " Check." Al: " The Wanker translation book. You know: English to jibberish?" Bud: " Dad, do you want me to take the bag to the car?" Al: " No, she < Peg> can walk." Kelly: " I just thought it was time I gave something back to the community." Bud: " Judging by the lines at the free clinic, you already have." Girl: " You're as broke as a $2 wrist watch, aren't you?" Bud: " And I'm hornier than a funeral in New Orleans, baby." Episode 816: How Green Was My Apple ---------------------------------- Al: " Well, Peg, I guess I'll go outside and be with my apple." Peg: " I'll just be in here with my Oprah." Al: " I wish my apple would grow as fast as your Oprah." Al: " You can't go by exactly where the fence line is. That fence was just thrown together with old boards and nails. Peg, you remember the slipshod way you built it." Peg: " Yes, well at least the fence stayed up. Which is more than I can say for the foreman." Al: " And to think I had a stake and didn't drive it through your heart." < Bud & Kelly hit golf balls into the Darcy's jacuzzi. Bud puts his hand in to get them back > Bud: " Excuse me, but these are ours." Marcie: " They aren't now." Jefferson: " Some never were." < Gary Coleman is a building inspector. He writes up a fine for Al's driveway> Al: " Don't give it to me. That's not my driveway. It belongs to the people next door. But they might not let you in because the only black person they respect is Ted Danson." Episode 817: Get Outta Dodge ----------------------------- Girl: " What if your parents come in?" Bud: " Relax, babe. They're in Milwaukee. It's the first stop on Oprah's Fatapalooza tour. They're displaying the weight she lost in giant glass jars. Many giant glass jars. They're taking the Dodge. It's actually Dodge-enstein. Made from the parts of other dead Dodges." Al: " Women, can't live with them. The end." Bud: " What happened to the tour?" Peg: " Well, your father hit a speed bump and the Dodge couldn't make it to the top. It was awful, Bud. We rolled backwards uncontrollably sometimes reaching speeds upwards of 2 mph. Fortunately, we were jolted to a stop by an anthill, which survived the impact." Al: " Peg, I'm starting to sense you're not too found of the Dodge." Jefferson: " You finally getting rid of the Dodge?" Al: " Yea, it's like getting rid of one of your children, but none of the joy." Guy: " We're a couple of winos. We don't want to drink and drive so we want to buy your Dodge." Al: "...I'll drive back Al Bundy, Viper Man." Marice: " But the bottom line is you'll still be Al Bundy. Tragic, isn't it?" Al: " Sorry, Marcie. I didn't see you there. Pull up an egg and I'll be with you in a minute." Episode 818: Valentine's Day Massacre ------------------------------------- Peg: " You were so romantic in high school. Just look at this < a card Al had sent Peg > ." Al: < reading card> " 'I love your hooters.I love your ass. Let's say we meet after class.' I was the silver-tongued devil wasn't I?" Kelly: " It's Valentine's Day. Women like men to be sweet and sensitive." Guy: " Whoa, babe, your knobs look huge. You ready?" Kelly: " Yea, and don't call me 'babe.'" Jefferson: " Oh, to be young and free. What the hell, I'm good looking and kept." < Bud leaves fat woman's hotel room> Bud: " Now I know how Tom Arnold feels." Episode 819: Field Of Screams ----------------------------- Al: " This country sucks, Peg. And I'll tell you why. We're giving it away faster than we can take it from other people. I was driving by Polk High today to catch a glimpse of the scoreboard that once proclaimed my glory...and fight with the homeless for nickels. And guess what sign I saw on the school fence?" Marcie: " Life 50, Al 0?" Al: " Hey, Marcie, I see they drink alot at Zippy cuts < Marcie has a bad haircut > " < Al talks about the football field> Al: " ...Where purt cheerleaders in stuffed bras and short mini skirts used to sing ' 1-2-4-3, Give the ball to Al Bundy.'" Kelly: " Where's Dad?" Peg: " He's down at the city council meeting. You know he's really steamed they're paving over his football field." Kelly: " I just hope he doesn't make a testicle out of himself." Peg: " You mean 'spectacle' honey." Kelly: " No, I mean testicle." < Al's chained to the goal post> Al: " Do you think people came when Paul Revere rode nude through the town yelling 'The Beatles are coming?' No, he had to chain himself to the North Wind and throw up in the harbor first. Like old Paul, you'll be reading about me someday." Bud: " Yea, once Time-Life comes out with the Great Idiots series." Al: " Doesn't anyone care about preserving our heritage?" Aaron: " I thought selling out to the highest bidder was out heritage." Episode 820: The D'Arcy Files ----------------------------- Bud: " We need $5000." Jefferson: " A good panhandler can pull in $500 a day." Bud: " $500 a day? We'll have Bud and Kelly's open in no time." Kelly: " Hey, wait a minute. It was my idea. We're gonna name it after me." Bud: " There's already a place called 'In and Out.'" < Jefferson tells Marcie about his past> Jefferson: "...If Trogit fins me, I'm as dead as network TV." Al: " I'm not going to turn you in. There's 3 things a Bundy will never be: rich, a snitch,... and regular." Bud: " I've got some bad news." Al: " The traditional Bundy greeting." Al: " Jefferson, I've been thinking about it. I can't go to the party with you. See, I don't want to go < be killed> that way. I want to go the way all Bundy's go. I want to hang myself in my own basement by jumping off my workbench." Episode 821 : The Legend of Ironhead Haynes ------------------------------------------- Al: " A woman comes into the shoe store today, so huge she's protected by Green Peace, and asks for a size 4 shoe. So I ask if she wants to eat them here or take them home. And she has the nerve to complaing about my performance." Peg: " I complain about your performance all the time but you don't care. Sometimes you don't wake up." Al: " Unlike sex with you, this is important to me. The mall manager is threatening to take away my only pleasure at work." Kelly: " They're shutting off the plumbing?" < Al's going to lose his parking space> Peg: " Walking an extra 1/2 mile won't kill you." Al: " No, that's your job." Al: " Unfortunately, many men can't move to the mountain 'cos they're married to one." Al: " It is I. I have come from Iron Head Haynes with words for hard working people who don't give a rat's ass about political correctness: Rule 1: It is OK to call hooters 'knockers' and sometimes 'snack trays.' Rule 2: It is wrong to be French. Rule 3: It is OK to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder. Rule 4: Lawyers, see rule 3. Rule 5: It is OK to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes. Rule 6: Everyone should car pool but me. Rule 7: Bring back the word 'stewardesses.' Rule 8: Synchronized swimming is not a sport. Rule 9: Mud wrestling is a sport." Episode 823: Kelly Knows Something ---------------------------------- Al: " I don't want you to learn anything until the show tomorrow." Kelly: " How am I going to do that?" Al: " Follow your mother around." Episode 824 : Assult & Batteries -------------------------------- < Peg has a job jar> Peg: " Time to get some chores done. Now, to be fair, we'll both pick from the job jar. I'll pick the red one." Al: " That's where I went wrong." Al: " Would you get me the flash light?" Peg: " Now, how am I supposed to do my job and your's? I'll tell ya... now I know how Hillary feels." Al: " I'll just do what I can in the dark." Peg: " Uh, like during sex?" Al: " No, Peg, I can't fake sixing a step." Al: " Peg, do we really need Christmas Icicles? It's May." Peg: " You'll thank me in December." Al: " Only if you leave me in November." < Peg sees a TV Guide> Peg: " Oh, look Al, they're doing a 'Full House' in 3D." Al: " Is the third dimension the funny one?" < Al's in a checkout line. A guy is paying now> Guy: " Don't worry. I'm paying cash." Al: " Thank God." < Guy takes out a jar full of pennies> Guy: " My wife and I put a penny in every time we make love. We're like rabbits." Al: " Good. On Easter, I'll dip you both in chocolate and break your heads off." < Al gets to the front of the line> Al: " My wife bought the wrong batteries and, since I can't exchange here, I'd like to exchange these < old ones> for these < new ones> ." Episode 825 : Ride Scare ------------------------ Al: " You wouldn't belive what they're doing at the mall now." Peg: " Putting a sign in front of the shoe storw that says 'Over 2 pairs sold?'" Al: " That hurts, Peg. Not as much as seeing you first thing in the morning but that still hurts." Al: " It is a man's God given right to drive alone in his car. A man's car is his castle." Peg: " I thought a man's home is his castle." Al: " It is if he can slay the dragon living there." Al: " Too many people in one car spells trouble. What are we supposed to do when somebody cuts us off? Are we all supposed to give him the finger." Marcie: " No, just whichever one of you can get it out of his nose first." Al: " This car pool thing won't go unchallenged. You want to get something cleaner and greener, wsh my underwear." Al: " Son, I wish you grew up when I did. Of course, I probably wouldn't let you hang out with me." Al: " I hear you're models for Victoria's Secret." Fat Model: " We are. For Victoria's Big Secret." Al: " Victoria couldn't keep a secret this big." Fat Model: " You know what they say,'You're never too big to be sexy.'" Al: " Do you know who said that? Fat girls." Fat Model: " Do you always go to work wearing a suit and smelling of 'High Karate?'" < spel?> Al: " Do you always go to work wearing curtins and smelling of Mars Bars?" Fat Model: " Oh, no, it's the police. What did we do?" Al: " I don't know. Maybe we missed a truck scale. But on the positive side, maybe he'll get me out of here before I turn into a diamond." Episode 826 : Al Goes Deep ---------------------------- Peg: " I saw this nice Bon Bon maker on the Home Shopping Club. It would make my life a whole lot easier." Al: " Peg, if your life was any easier, you'd be in an urn in the garage." Peg: " You're gonna change your tune when my homemade Bon Bons go national. I've even got a slogan: 'Put a Wanker in your mouth.' No offense, but I wanted to use my maiden name." Al: " You should use your mother's maiden name: 'Put a side of beef in your mouth.'" < Al eats Peg's homemade Bon Bon> Peg: " Al, tell me what you think. And be honest." Al: " Don't quit your day couch, Peg." Peg: " You suck. I'm gonna find Marcie and get a woman's opinion." Al: " Why? Does she know one?" Bud : " Dad, I gotta ask you a question." Al: " Because we get horny and don't have the sense to say 'No.'" Jefferson: " Al, you've got to help me. I've done something terrible." Al: " I know. I was at the wedding." Jefferson: " I need a good, solid 15-to-1 shot." Al: " It's a 15-to-1 shot that the next time I'm having sex, Peg will ruin it by walking in on me." Jefferson: " Not good enough. I need a sure bet." Al: " It's a sure bet that, by this time next year, Marcie will be a member of the Hair Club for Men." Chad: " Why didn't you ever play high school football?" Al: " That's a long and tragic story, Chad. It was 20 years ago. Polk High's big game. My girlfriend at the time, later became my wife, but that's another tragic tale, had this little habit of shouting at me while I was in the game. Of course, I hated that. Of course, she shouted at me one time when a 300 pound linebacker was barreling down at me. When I came to, I had 2 kids and was selling shoes." Chad: " Tough luck." Al: " I bounced right back. When I'm 65, I'll get the Golden Shoe Horn, which I can sharpen and fall onto when I'm 66. So, learn from my mistake, don't ever let a woman take over your life." Chad: " I feel good about this biology exam with all this knowledge of animals. Maybe I'll be a veteran." Kelly: " It's not 'veteran.' It's 'vegetarian.'" Episode 901: Shoeway to Heaven ------------------------------ < Marcie picks up a pair of '70's shoes> Marcie: " Do you know what I was doing the last time I was wearing these shoes?" Al: " Inspiring Helen Reddy to write her new song,'I Am Poultry.'" Episode 903: Kelly Breaks Out ----------------------------- < Jefferson & Al are watching TV> Al: " This looks good. It's the new Barnaby Jones reunion special." Bud: " Ud, dad. It's the new Rolling Stones video. That's not Buddy Ebsen. It's Keith Richards." Al: " I thought he looked a little old for Buddy Ebsen." Bud: " Kelly, I work at the Department of Motor Services. How much money do you think I make riding around in a car all day? And remember, I ride upright and sit in the front seat." < Kelly has a big pimple on her head> Guy: " Look at the zits on the blonde chick." Kelly: " Thank god he didn't see the pimple." Marcie: " You know, my women's group is going to protest." Al: " What, the 3 Stooges? If you don't like them, why do you keep getting your hair cut like Moe?" Marcie: " Unlike evolution, I am not letting you off the hook, Al. Will you please tell me what a woman's body has to do with selling beer?" Al: " All right. #1, if it wasn't for beer, there'd be at least 3 people who probably wouldn't even be married: me... < Jefferson raises his hand> ..., Jefferson, and probably even Lisa Marie Presley. And, #2, since men buy beer, advertisers have to cater to what we want and, hold on to your corn cob pipe, we like pretty women. Ergo, pretty women sell godd beer. Ugly women sell tennis rackets. Pretty women, sports cars. Ugly women, minivans. Pretty women make us buy beer. Ugly women make us drink beer." Marcie: " If you were any more of a pig, kids would put pennies in your back." Marcie: " I'm Marcie D'Arcy here from the Aestically Challenged..." Al: " Challenged? I'd say defeated, exiled and left for dead." Episode 904(?): The Virgin Hotline ---------------------------------- Bud: " I did something really stupid." Al: " Oh, Son. You didn't marry, did you?" Bud: " Dad, you probably don't know this but there's a big move towards celibacy." Al: " Know it? Hell, I started it." Bud: " No, dad. This is no sex *BEFORE* marriage." Jefferson: < sings the Virgin Hotline jingle> " If you're a virgin With hormones a surgin' Keep on your undies And call Bud Bundy" Kelly: < to Bud> " Now, when people call, do you merely talk them out of sex or send them a picture of yourself and scare the pants back on them?" < Al and Peg are at a video rental store> Peg: " Here's one...'4 Weddings and a Funeral.'" Al: " That's kind of 5 of the same thing." Movie titles in X-Rated section of the store: Schlinder's Lust Booty and the Beast Forest Hump Silence of the Loins The Joy Slut Club Mrs. Assfire Episode 905: Business Sucks, Pt 1 --------------------------------- Bud: " Dad, we just got a call from Mom." Al: " Don't blame me. I didn't give her the number." Bud: " We've got some good news and some bad news. Mom's been in a train wreck but she's OK." Al: " What's the good news?" Kelly: " She wants you to pick her up at the train station at 1 AM, which is in the morning but I don't know what time." Bud: " That's 5 guys after midnight for you, Kel." < Marcie comes into the shoe store with a lady & her baby> Marcie: " Did you banish this woman from you're store yesterday?" Al: " I did." Marcie: " How dare you deny her her god-given right to nurse her baby when mother nature calls. Breast feeding is a natural biological function. Al: " So is peeing but you don't see me doing that in public." Marcie: " Well, the last time I checked, the side of my garage was in public." Al: " Al Bundy never says die. Well...he does say die, he just never does." Episode 906: Business Still Sucks (part 2) ------------------------------------------ Marcie: " Breast feeding is a natural bodily function." Al: " So is peeing. But you don't see me doing that in public." Lady: " Officer, someone's being mugged in the food court." Officer Dan: " Tell someone who cares." Episode 907: Dial B for Virgin ------------------------------ Bud: " I did something really stupid." Al: " Oh, Son. You didn't marry, did you?" Bud: " Dad, you probably don't know this but there's a big move towards celibacy." Al: " Know it? Hell, I started it." Bud: " No, dad. This is no sex *BEFORE* marriage." Jefferson: < sings the Virgin Hotline jingle> " If you're a virgin With hormones a surgin' Keep on your undies And call Bud Bundy" Kelly: < to Bud> " Now, when people call, do you merely talk them out of sex or send them a picture of yourself and scare the pants back on them?" < Al and Peg are at a video rental store> Peg: " Here's one...'4 Weddings and a Funeral.'" Al: " That's kind of 5 of the same thing." Movie titles in X-Rated section of the store: Schlinder's Lust Booty and the Beast Forest Hump Silence of the Loins The Joy Slut Club Mrs. Assfire Episode 908: Sleepless in Chicago --------------------------------- Kelly: " Blondes have a reputation for being dumb....which we all know is a stereo system." Al: " Pumpkin, daddy is watching a very important TV program. It's called 'Superman.'" Kelly: " What's the big 'S' for?" Al: " Straight. You can't be too careful if you take your pants off in a phone booth. Now go away, honey. I'm studying this kryptonite. If it will stop Superman it just may work on your mother." Al: " Peg kept me up half the night." Jefferson: " You're lucky. Marcie kept half of me up all night." Jefferson: " I was lucky to get this Nurse Barbie for $800. Oh, look, they put a belly button on her. I guess thet want little girls to know how the human body really looks." Al: " That's why Married Ken has no genitals." Al: " It's not that I don't care...Sure, that's part of it but daddy's got something really important to do." Bud: " Big Un's?" Al: " Some bigger than your whole body. Now, son, you have 2 choices: get out...or get the hell out." Al: " I can't get back in bed with her < Marcie > . But on the good side, soon Marcie will get up, I'll see her pluck naked, and drop dead." Episode 910: Bud Bowl --------------------- Thad: " I had to do it, Al. All those years I felt like a woman trapped inside a man's body." Al: " We all get tired of our cars, too, but we don't rip the doors off it." Episode 912: The Naked and the Dead, But Mostly the Naked --------------------------------------------------------- < Peg pulls a cake out of the oven> Peg: " Here we go. Fresh from the oven. Not that I bake, mind you. It's where I hide it from the kids." Marcie: " I take it Al & his No Ma'am herd had a meeting tonight." Peg: " Yeah, why?" Marcie: " Because there is a bumper sticket on my car whish says 'Support Feminists: Hairy women need love, too.'" Jefferson: " Al, do you think that the ladies will ever let us come back to this place < The Giggly Room> again?" Al: " It'll be where they gut & dump the bodies." Episode 913: I Want My Psycho Dad, Pt 1 --------------------------------------- Bud: " Once dad washes this < snack mountain> down with tonight's episode of Psycho Dad, he'll say yes quicker than you do on a first date" Kelly: " I sure hope so." Al: " You are the best two kids any father accidently ever had." Marcie: < singing> " Who's the guy who's show is done? Who's TV hero's on the run? Who'll be watching VH-1? Loser Al, Loser Al, Loser Al." Marcie: " Violence on TV desensitizes people." Al: " So does marriage but they haven't cancelled that." Al: " I don't want to hear any of that rooster poop that television is the root of all of our problems. People don't act a certain way just because it's on TV." Peg: " You know. That's true. Al watches alot of sex on HBO." Bud: < to Kelly> " Are you for real? Or did someone switch your for a pod from planet Bimbo? And, if so, are there any more like you." Al: " They cancelled Psycho Dad. And do you know who's behind this? Griff: " Women?" Al: " No, Marcie Darcy, chicked at large." Al: " Real men don't write letters." Griff: " They do to Penthouse." Bob: " They have letters in Penthouse." Kelly: " What would you say if we got Psycho Dad back on the air?" Al: " You better not be kidding or you'll have to outrun the Dodge." Buck: " Rush Limbaugh could outrun the Dodge." Jefferson: " Turn on the TV. Psycho Dad's on the air." Al: " And the wife and kids are just figments of Steven King's imagination." Episode 914: I Want My Psycho Dad, Second Blood ----------------------------------------------- Al: < to Kelly> " If your mother wakes up and I know she will 'cos she knows I hate that...." Ike: " What makes you think we can get into Congress. We don't have any credentials." Bob: " Sonny Bono did." < The porn channel is on the TV> Marcie: " Speaking of the Washington Monument, what is that?" Jefferson: " C-SPAN is broadcasting the Senate page tryouts." Officer Dan: " We're from Chicago. Don't you know we invented random violence." < Al's speaking to the Senate> Al: " ...Take my kids...Please. < whispering> ...Thanks for the joke, Jefferson." Jefferson: " Kennedy's on the floor." Al: " Kennedy's always on the floor." Episode 916: Something Larry This Way Comes ------------------------------------------- < Al's talking about F Troop> Al: " ...You just don't see that anymore." Peg: " There's alot of things I don't see anymore." Al: " Especially if they're 100 feet from the house." Al: < to Kelly> " Sweetheart, I've got to have a picture of Larry hitting me over the head with his hat. Do we have any film?" Peg: " Besides the one on your teeth?" Kelly: " I am so excited. Just & Larry Storch on the stage together. Tonight I become a lesbian." Peg: " I think you mean a thespian." Bud: " Yeah, well the reviews aren't in yet." Kelly: " How do I look?" Bud: " Like a limited editiion 'Condom Packing Barbie.' < A loud car pulls up at the house> Peg: " There's Al and his Dodge." Bud: " No, that's Larry and his Dodge." Episode 917: Get the Dodge out of Hell -------------------------------------- Bud: " Kel, let's go over the plan just one more time. Now, you can't goto Wanker County with mom & dad because..." Kelly: " I have to do a commercial for traffic safety." Bud: " And I can't goto Wanker County with mom & dad because..." Kelly: " A rubber sheep is demanding you take a blood test." Bud: " Fine, we'll goto Wanker County. Now, don't go running to me when they ask you why you're still single when you have a perfectly good brother." Peg: " Now, why are you in such a bad mood? Some men like to go shopping with their wives." Al: " Yea, for coffins." Al: " Why do we have to wash the Dodge?" Peg: " So it will look good in the parade." Al: " How good does it have to look? This year's theme is 'Thumbs: Show 'Em If You've Got 'Em.'" Bud: " I wonder if hot Carnuba wax really comes out when the light is on." Kelly: " Gee, Bud. Why don't you save those mind bending insights for a date or, perhaps, a willing rubber ear." Bud: " Sorry, Kel, I forgot. The only talking that goes on on your dates is 'Keep the line moving.'" Al: " Somewhere in this car wash is a Dodge with name on it." Peg: " I didn't know they made a Dodge Loser." Al: " What is it with you, Peg? You can change D batteries in the dark yet you can't find a 2 ton car in broad daylight." Episode 918: 25 Years and What Have You Got ------------------------------------------- Marcie: " How do you do it?" Peg: " I don't...until Al goes to sleep." < Peg & Marcie leave> Jefferson: " It took forever for them to leave." Al: " Yes, but much like a 'roid, they'll be back with a vengence." Jefferson: " Because Buck is getting old doesn't mean that he is going to die immediately. What Father Theresa is trying to say is that, now, the important thing is you just treat him like any other member of the family when they get old." Bud: " You mean steal their food & mix up their medicine?" Al: " Listen kids, if I can't find that necklace, I can't give it to your mother. And if I can't give it to your mother, I have to give it to your mother." Al: " I look in the dog's eyes and all I see is the other side of the yard. We're just going to have to start digging." Bud: " Dad, he's not even dead yet." Al: " For the necklace, you cartoon character." Episode 919: Ship Happens (part 1) ---------------------------------- Bud: " Mom, are you sure that people win those contests?" Peg: " Would Ed McMahon lie?" Al: " I don't know. Would he drink? Would he laugh at things that aren't funny?" Marcie: " Who do you thing does Sandra Bernhardt's hair?" Al: " Ray Charles." Peg: " We < her & Marcie> should have left them < the men> at home." Al: " You should have left us at the altar." Peg: " Al, make love to me." Al: " Why? I didn't screw up your hair." Episode 920: Ship Happens, Pt 2 ------------------------------- Al: " Have I thanked you for taking me on this cruise yet, Peg?" Peg: " No, you haven't" Al: " Then maybe a stake through your heart would suffice." Marcie: " Al couldn't find land if he was sky diving." Jefferson: " Why aren't you hungry?" Al: " I have a natural appetite suppressant: 25 years of marriage." Episode 921: And Bingo Was Her Name O ------------------------------------- < Kelly has mail> Kelly: " Mail's here." Al: " What did we get?" Kelly: " You got bills. I got fan mail. And I think we all know what little handyman gets 'Self Touchers Quarterly.'" Peg: " A letter from the office of Bingo Affairs." Al: " No doubt a bureau of Alochol, Tobacco, and useless Blood Sucking Spouses." Al: " Peg, we need something to cleanse the pallete between beers." Peg: " Have you tried toothpaste?" Al: " No, Peg. Toothpaste is for people who kiss, smile, or eat." Peg: " If you'd kiss, you might eat." Al: " Yea, but I wouldn't smile." < All other Bingo players are old> Marcie: " Peg, thanks for inviting me. The women are wearing my favorite scent: dust." Griff: " All this beer foreplay is making me thirsty." Guy1: " What's foreplay?" Bob: " About 10 seconds." Guy1: " Then, what's sex?" Peg: " True to his performance in bed, I think it's safe to say Al has let me down again...Unfortunately in this case, I can't reach into the nightstand and get myself home." Peg: " What if she < your wife> asked you why you didn't pick her up?" Al: " Tell her it's because she was too heavy." Episode 922: The Undergraduate ------------------------------ Peg: " Al, how come you never send me flowers?" Al: " I don't like ya, Peg." Kelly: < to Bud> " First of all, it's not considered stalking when you follow your hand upstairs." < Peg tries to work the vacuum> Peg: " Al, I don't think this think is working." Al: " Ah, Peg. Unlike many of your other devices, this doesn't need batteries." Robbie: " The Bennett family motto is: We see it. We want it. We get it." Kelly: " The Bundy family motto is : It sees us. It insults us. We kick its ass." Robbie: " Do you know who my dad is?" Kelly: " Your father?" Kelly: " Lots of starlets go out with younger guys: Cher, Madonna, Liberace." Kelly: " It's just a Junior Prom. I can do this with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back." Bud: " It's just like one of your real dates, then?" Robbie: " I think I'll keep you." Kelly: " Look, McCauley, this is America. And Nobody owns anybody in America. Excepy maybe for the guy who's married to Anna Nicole Smith." Kelly: " As the Chinese philosopher, Unconscious, one said,' It's better to have loved and losed then never to have seen Lost in Space at all.'" Episode 923: User Friendly -------------------------- Peg: " Oh, Kelly. Something horrible has heppened." Kelly: " Don't worry, mom. I'm going to call 911. Oh my God, I forgot the number." Peg: " Kelly, It's OK. It's just that none of my shows is on. Look, I turn to Oprah and I get monster trucking. I turn to Phil and it's midget wrestling. And, look, I turn to Richard Bey and it's a wet T-shirt contest. Oh, wait a second. That is Richard Bey." Bud: " Kell. Guess what. I've been chosen to be in a research study sbout human behavior." Kelly: " Where do you fit in?" Bud: " Well, unlike you, in the front seat of a car." Amber: " Your mom needs the TV Guide. She says it's in the room of broken promises." Kelly: " That would be the bedroom." Jefferson: " Do you got anything to eat?" Al: " Check the traps." Episode 924: Shoeless Al ------------------------ Marcie: " Do you guys want to watch a Woody Allen movie?" Kelly: " Woody Allen's neve done it for me. Then again, I'm not his step daughter." Jefferson: < to Al> " Stay cool. Our lives are in your feet." Peg: " That's why life stinks." TV Voice: " Today on Geraldo: People who survived being on Jenny Jones." Al: " We're gonna have to go with our alternate." Bob: " But Bud stinks." Al: " He's my son. Don't you think I know he stinks." Al: " Peg, can you feel the excitement?" Peg: " Like usual, Al. When you're excited, I feel nothing." Episode 925 Pump Ficition ----------- ------------- Marcie: " That award is intended for starving and destitue artists." Al: " Well, I'm starving." Kelly: " I'm not a destitute. I've never taken money for..." Marcie: " The NEA gave you $10,000. That's exactly why I'm a Republican." Al: " I thought it was because of the drinking and wife swapping parties." Marcie: " That's never been proven." Kelly: " The title of our new movie is 'A Day in the Life of a Shoe Salesman.'" Peg: " Aren't you going to start with the short cartoon: ' A Day in the Sex Life of a Shoe Salesman?'" Al: " I'm really gonna miss you, Peg...Not if I get a scope." Al: " Peg, have I told you today how much I love you?" Peg: " No." Al: " Ok." Episode 926: Radio Free Trumaine -------------------------------- < Bundy's come home from a restaurant> Peg: " Al, don't goto sleep. Remember our deal, if you get beef, I get beef." Al: " Peg, when you get beef, I get the heebee-jeebies.: < Al's asleep> Peg: < to Bud> "It looks like you're not getting any cocoa and I'm not getting any beef." < Peg heads upstairs> Bud: " Mom, where are you going?" Peg: " get some hamburgher helper." Oliver: " This is the Mark and Oliver show, where our motto is " Together we're still not as fat as Rush Limbaugh"" Mark: " Remember, we're going to be giving away free limo service to this Friday`s Spring Formal to the student with the most pathetic reason for wanting it." < Phone rings> Oliver: " You're on the air." Bud: " This is Bud Bundy." Mark: " Bud Bundy? We have our winner." < Peg takes a picture of Bud & April> Peg: " Say 'toes'" April: " Why 'toes?'" Peg: " In Wankter County, that's where cheese comes from." Marcie: " Pushing around 18 year olds. What are you going to do for an encore." Steve: " Look at our wedding photos and try to find your breasts." Marcie: " Well, you're going to have to look long and hard because they`re under your gorgeous cousin's hands." Bud: " April, before I met you, a hot date was when my rubber woman got her thigh caught on the radiator." Nikolai: " In Chechnya, we don't have rubber woman. We put happy face on inner tube." Bud: " I don't blame you. I've seen Russian women." Episode 1001 A Shoe Room With A View ------------ ----------------------- Jefferson: " In the course of human history, there have been 4 great inventions: the bikini, the thong bikini, the really itchy thong bikini and Al's idea to put an aerobics studio next to the shoe store." < Fat ladt can't fit in shoes> Lady: " I don't understand. Before aerobics, I used to fit in a size 6. I guess all that jumping expanded my feet." Al: " I see you've must've fallen on you butt a time or two." Lady: " How dare y ou say that to my face?" Al: " I'd say it to your butt but my car only has 1/2 tank of gas." Peg: " Al, guess what's under the sheet?" Al: " Peg, if I don't like that game in bed, why would I like it in the light." Episode 1002 Guess Who's Coming To Breakfast, Lunch And Dinner ------------ ------------------------------------------------- Jamie: " I do want you bad." Bud: " And that's how you should have me." Mover: " Well, we got all the stuff out of your sons room. Where do you want us to move this junk?" Al: " Don't know. Don't care. The boy said he'd have an apartment by 6. So, in the words of his loving mother,"Keep moving until I tell you to stop."" Peg: " Or, in the words of my loving husband,"The sooner it's outta here, the better." Oh, Al, I can't believe our baby boy is finally moving." Al: " Baby boy, Peg? He's older then you tell people you are." Peg: " I was very young when I got married." Al: " And I was very drunk." Jefferson: " Where's the guy who's ready to move out and bag some babes?" Al: " Right here!" Marcie: " You can't even bag your own wife." Al: " I can bag her all right. The problem is that I remember what she looks like." < Kelly has an idea> Bud: " Kelly, you may have just hit on something. And for once, it's not a married man." Peg: " I've always wanted a place where I could stretch out and do nothing." Al: " Get in the car. I'll take you to the morgue." Jefferson: " Come on, Al. You should be proud your son is moving out and becoming a man." Al: " My son is burrowing down and becoming a mole. Besides, as bad as this is, you just know something worse is going to happen. Don't you know that all horrible things happen in threes: celebrity deaths, Pauly Shore movies, Wilson Phillips, and, in my case,Marrying Peg, Bud not moving out and 3..." Peg: " Al, something horrible has happened." Al: " The hell you say." Peg: " That was dad. They had this big fight. Mom left and he can't find her." Al: " Did he look behin the Rockies?" Marcie: " Pig boy, aren't you in the least worried about you mother-in-law's whereabouts?" Al: " Oh, I know where the blubbering beast doth blow." < Tremors shake the house, doorbell rings. M,J,A look in horror. Peg smiles> Mom: " Margret, it's you mother. I'm hungry. Open the door." < Al tried to fix the stairs> Al: " You know, Peg. I hate it when you mother wobbles down here for midnight snaks that last 'til 9 in the morning." Peg: " Mom does not eat between meals." Al: " I know. In order to eat between meals, the first meal has to end." Peg: " Al, don't you know how traumatic this is for me. I now come from a broken home." Al: " As do I." Peg: " You give mom a break. She's distraught." Al: " She's humongous." Mom: " I'm just retaining water." Al: " The Hoover Dam is retaining water. She is retaining skittles." Guy: " How much do you want for this reading lamp?" Dad: " That's no reading lamp. That's my wife's eating lamp. She'd use it when I was sleeping so not to bother me. As I was counting sheep, she was eating them." Guy: " How much for this wading pool?" Dad: " That's no wading pool. That's my wife's bathing cap." Al: < to Peg's Dad> " You're a bigger man the me. If my left me, I'd jump on the Good Ship Hooter-pop. I'd have a smile on my face and a face on my smile." Episode 1004 Reverend Al ------------ ---------- < Guys spit beer on Bob> Bob: " If I wanted to reek of cheap booze, I would'a slept with my wife." Kelly: " Feed him < Lucky> ." Bud: " No, I walk him." Kelly: " I wash him and vaccuum him dry." Bud: " Who feeds him?" Lucky: " Nobody. If it wasn't for the girl's edible underwear, I'd never eat." Kelly: " Do you know what I'd do if my lover ever lost interest in me?" Bud: " Sleep with his parole officer?" Griff: " The last time I felt this quezy in church is when someone said 'You may kiss the bride.'" Al: " Back when men were men & women were ribs...When a driver's side airbag was called a mother-in-law." Peg: " This is the best birthday I've ever had." Al: " Bicentennials are always special." Episode 1005 How Bleen Was My Kelly ------------ ---------------------- Peg: " If you come in, could you shut the door?" Al: " Peg, if you're gonna live in this house, could you shut your mouth." Bud: " I put all the family finances into the computer." Al: " You've put something I don't have into something I don't understand." Peg: " That reminds me of our sex life." Al: " That's putting something I have into something I don't like." Kelly: " Guess what I've got?" Bud: " I would've been easier to guess what you haven't got. I'll take virginity for $100." Kelly: " That's funny.No one will takes yours for less than $1000." Prof: "...It's the study of how much booze a rat can drink before he explodes." Kelly: " Kennedy grant?" Prof: " Exactly." Episode 1006 The Weaker Sex -------------- -------------- Al: " Look at the karate cows hoofing it over to the self-defense class." Griff: " Or, as they call it, Tae Kwon Donut. Can you believe Gary's charging $250?" Al: " That's still less than $1 a pound." Griff: " What a waste of money." < Peg walks in> Al: " Speaking of waster of money." Al: " Peg, I'm not wasting my money like I waster my youth: on you." Peg: " Self defense is not a waster of money. We live in a bad neighborhood." Al: " Peg, you live on the couch. The only danger you face is getting your head stuck in a Hagen-Daus carton." < Al is looking under the couch cushions> Bud: " Dad, if you're looking for a place to stick your head, I'd suggest the over." Kelly: " Why don't you take mom to see 'The Bridges of Madion County?' I hear there's a director's cut with 11 minutes of Clint Eastwood sponge bathing Merryl Streep." Al: " Is there no other way?" Kelly: " You could make love to her all night." Al: " Either way, I'll be eating Junior Mints and crying in the dark." Jefferson: " Al, I know how to put an end to all of this." Al: " If you have the tail pipe, I have the lips to put around it." < Peg comes out of the bathroom in a biker bar> Peg: " Al, how come in the bathroom it says 'For a good time, call our number?'" Al: " Beats me. I've never had a good time there." Episode 1007 Flight Of The Bumblebee ------------ ----------------------- Bud: " Is King Kong Bundy any relation to you?" Al: " No, but he did take Peg's nick name." Al: " If he wants to join No Ma'am, I say we let him pledge the organization." Bud: " What do I have to do? Chug beers til I puke?" Al: " No, that's reserved for full member's only." Al: " While the women are out trick-or-treating, dressed as large fat women and a chicken, we'll be watching on a regular size TV Wrestlepalooza." < Wrestlepalooza's on TV> Peg: " Now, there's a real man. Not some high school football hero who got married and turned to mush." Al: " I guess it's true what they say: You are what you marry." Griff: " That would make me a ho." Peg: " Al, watching all this wrestling reminds me of something I haven't had in a long time." Al: " What? A body slam?" < Bud and Al have IV's in their arms> Bud: " Dad?'re out of the coma." Al: " Where am I? Is she gone?" Bud: " Yes, dad. Save your strength. THe important thing is that I got my picture with King Kong Bundy. So, no I'm in No Ma'am, right?" Al: " No, son. We don't watch wrestling anymore. We learned tonight that wrestling on TV leads to wrestling at home and that ultimately leads to sex with the wife. No Ma'am stands for `Numb Old Men Anxiously Awaiting Moricians.'" Peg: " So, all of this is a waste of time." Al: " For you, maybe. But this is the best meal I've had in years." Episode 1008 Blonde And Blonder ------------ ------------------ Peg: " It's just some old toys I'm collecting for charity." Mom: " Don't lie to me. I smell garlic chicken." Peg: " It's just Al's socks." Peg: " Guess what I found in the attic?" Al: " If I want to keep a noose up there, it's my business." < Al and Peg are shooting each other with Nerf guns> Marcie: " What's going on here." Al: " Foreplay." Peg: " It can't be foreplay. I'm enjoying myself." Al: " And I'm in the room." < Marcie holds up a sea gull toy> Mom: " I smell foul." Al: " You certainly do." Marcie: " What's Mr Potato Head doing here?" Al: " You married him." Marcie: " Not that Mr Potato Head, the one that's actualyl worth something." Al: " We have child safety seats we never put in the car." Marcie: " Why didn't you ever use them?" Al: " We found it was much easier to leave them at home." Ashley: " Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Kelly: " Why don't things fall up?" < Bud has a red mark from getting slapped> Bud: " Is this a hickey, or what?" Kelly: " It's much better than the ones you give yourself at home with the dust buster." < Peg, Marcie, Jefferson and Al are playing Bottoms Up> Peg: " I love all these hands groping my butt. It's just like sex but I have a partner." Episode 1009 Dud Bowl Ii ------------ ----------- Al: " A Fat woman creatured into the shoe store today..." Peg: " Let me guess. She couldn't get up." Al: " No, Peg. That would be you." Peg: " Honey, I could get up but why would I." Al: " To give the cushions a breather." Al: " Marcie and I have alot in common. We both live on the same side of the street and are married to deadbeats." Bud: " Dad, she had you arrested over 20 times. You call her 'The Little Neighbor Boy.'" Al: " Pet names." Al: " Jefferson, He's < Terry Bradshaw> won more Superbowls that I've had good days." Bud: " They're applauding. Either Terry Bradshaw started speaking or Mrs Darcie stopped." Terry: " People often ask me how I threw what was considered by many as the most famous pass of all time, the Immaculate Reception. And I tell them, it was very much like at my bachelor's party, I just closed my eyes and heaved." < Crowd is chanting 'Bundy'> Jefferson: " Bud, it sounds like they're chanting Bundy." Bud: " Kelly probably just bent over to pick up a quarter. Episode 1011 The Two That Got Away ------------ --------------------- Bud: < on phone> " If you don't give my client this audition, I'm going to have 100 roses delivered to your wife in your girlfriend's name...Thanks, babe, I knew you'd see it my way." Kelly: " Hey, what is it? Did you get me an audition?" Bud: " You? No. I've discovered a major new talent. I'll give you a hint. He just peed on the Darcy's roses." Kelly: " Dad?" Bud: " No, Lucky." Kelly: " Yea, but isn't it unprofessional for agents to date their clients?" Bud: " Very funny, Million-Man-March." < Al comes downstairs with a suitcase> Peg: " Gee, Al. I've never heard of a 3 day funeral." Al: " Perchance you remember our honeymoon." Peg: " Yea, something did die back then. Unfortunately, it never got buried." Jefferson: " Al, I know that honestly goes against everything we men stand for but women eat it up." Episode 1000.5 Wrestlepalooza -------------- -------------- Bud: " Is King Kong Bundy any relation to you?" Al: " No, but he did take Peg's nick name." Al: " If he wants to join No Ma'am, I say we let him pledge the organization." Bud: " What do I have to do? Chug beers til I puke?" Al: " No, that's reserved for full member's only." Al: " While the women are out trick-or-treating, dressed as large fat women and a chicken, we'll be watching on a regular size TV Wrestlepalooza." < Wrestlepalooza's on TV> Peg: " Now, there's a real man. Not some high school football hero who got married and turned to mush." Al: " I guess it's true what they say: You are what you marry." Griff: " That would make me a ho." Peg: " Al, watching all this wrestling reminds me of something I haven't had in a long time." Al: " What? A body slam?" < Bud and Al have IV's in their arms> Bud: " Dad?'re out of the coma." Al: " Where am I? Is she gone?" Bud: " Yes, dad. Save your strength. THe important thing is that I got my picture with King Kong Bundy. So, no I'm in No Ma'am, right?" Al: " No, son. We don't watch wrestling anymore. We learned tonight that wrestling on TV leads to wrestling at home and that ultimately leads to sex with the wife. No Ma'am stands for `Numb Old Men Anxiously Awaiting Moricians.'" Peg: " So, all of this is a waste of time." Al: " For you, maybe. But this is the best meal I've had in years." Episode 1013 Love Conquers Al ------------ ---------------- Kelly: " Bud, I need help with a date." Bud: " I'm not video taping anything." Kelly: " I'm finally going out with Carlos." Bud: " What? You need the Spanish translation for 'It unhooks in back.?'" Kelly: " I already know that." Kelly: " Bud, I'll do anything." Bud: " That's public record. Peg: " They < Marcie and Jefferson> seem so much happier. Maybe Dr. Richelieu can do something for us." Al: " The only doctor that can do that is Dr. Kevorkian." Ephram: " It's momma...She's a little shy." Al: " Of what, a metric ton?" Peg: " Maybe it would make her feel a bit better if we stay and participate." Al: " Peg, I'd rather fo synchronized swimming with Angela Landsbury. I'd rather have my neck shaved by Ray Charles. I'd even rather have your picture tattooed on the inside of my eyelids..." Ephram: " What makes you suck an expert on love?" Al: " Ephram, call me a hopeless romantic but I want to fall in love myself one day." Episode 1014 The Hood, The Bud And The Kelly (part 1) ------------ ---------------------------------------- Peg: " I know it happens once every 10 year but why do you have to drag me along when you buy underwear?" Al: " You're the one who has to look at them when you wash them." Peg: " I don't look at them and I don't wash them. I just dry them" Peg: " You know how we can solve our problems?" Al: " Heart felt handshake. We go our separate ways?" Episode 1015 The Hood, The Bud And The Kelly (part 2) ------------ --------------------------------------- Gino: " We use computers now because the family is very much into recycling." Bud: " Glass, papers, cans?" Gino: " No, body parts. Say, for hypothetical, it's 5:00. Vito sees you got no tape. I look at my powerbook and see that Jimmy in Jersey needs a spleen. We recycle your spleen into Jim. Problem. Solution." < Jefferson's reading directions> Jefferson: " I've got bracket S and washer T. Hand me Screw U." Dan: " What?" Jefferson: " I said 'Screw U.'" Dan: " Up yours." Gino: " Bud, I've got good news. You're going to see Paris." Bud: " You're taking me to Paris?" Gino: " No, just your eyes." Rafael: " Rafael can't work out to such noise. He would rather give CPR to Rosie O'Donnell." Bebe: " Look at this reception. The more they try, the worse it gets." Peg: " Just like in bed." Episode 1016 Calendar Girl ------------ ------------- Al: " If I can't beat Babcock in business, I'll beat him where it hurts." Griff: " In the nads?" Peg: " I'm looking to find dad." Al: " When did you leave?" Peg: " Yesterday." Al: " No wonder the sex was good last night." Peg: " I'm going to leave no stone unturned. I was just in Tiffany's, you should see how big the stones are." Al: " You should see mine. I jsut saw one leave me kidney and head for my urinary tract." Al: " Damn you, Kelly. You ate my last Hersey's Kiss. You're in the will." Kelly: " No!" Episode 1019 The Agony And The Extra C ------------ ------------------------- Ike: " Froot Loops and beer: The Breakfast of Champions." Bob: " Don't you know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day?" Ike: " Just Froot Loops then?" Bob: " Just beer!" Al: " Come on, Jefferson. It's just us, some liquor, and a bunch of Mexican strippers. What could happen?" Al: " What do we do when one of us is in need?" Ike: " Try to help out and make things worse." Dan: " Al, what do you get Peggy for your anniversary?" Al: " Well, that depends on the year. THe first year is paper. I put a paper bag over her head...I can't wait for plastic." Peg: " Al, I'm in Paris. Everyone here is just so rude and smelly. I'm thinking about you all the time. Episode 1020 Turning Japanese ------------ ---------------- Al: " I'm so happy for the both of you< Marcie and Jefferson> . Let's celebrate by you getting the hell out of here so I can watch my TV." Marcie: " You can't leave yet, the best is yet to come." Boss: < thinking> " They're going to hang themselves." Jefferson: " Karioake." Boss: < thinking> " I'm going to hang myself." Al: " Me and that car have been together along time." Marcie: " So have you and your hair, but you got rid of that." Marcie: " Mr. Shimokawa, what brings you to the 'Jiggly Room?'" Boss: " Quite honestly, the jiggly." Episode 1021 Bud Hits The Books ----------- ------------------ Bud: " How did you know Ariel was here?" Kelly: " For once, the cries of 'Oh Bud, Oh Buf' weren't you throwing your voice." Bud: " The girl just had the best sex of her life." Ariel: " No, I said that you did your best." Al: " Bud, you're going to do the right things by this girl now?" Bud: " You mean marry her?" Al: " No, never call her again." Bud: " Dad, I was caught having sex in the school library." < Al shakes Bud's hand> Al: " All right! Who's the lucky girl?" Bud: " You're shaking her. Dad, I'm going to get tried by the University deans. Can you lend a hand?" Al: " Obviously, you have too many as it is." No Ma'am'ers: " 4-3-2-1...Bud's alone but he has fun 5-6-7-8...It's his only steady date 1-2-3-4...He shouldn't have to lock the door" Episode 1022 Al Goes To The Dogs ------------ ------------------- Bud: " Dad, what are you going up?" Al: " I was awoken by a nightmare of your mom kissinf me all over. Then I realized it was Lucky because his breath was sweet, his feet were warm and just a little more furry." Marcie: " I'm trying to go over records for bank deposits. But I bet that concept is lost on you." Al: " As much as a strapless bra would be lost on you." Kelly: " Daddy, you ruined my life." Al: " That makes us even." Episode 1023 Kiss Of The Coffee Woman ------------ ------------------------ Bud: " Damn, I'm a good agent. If I was a hot young chick, I couldn't keep my hands off myself." Kelly: " That must make you a hot young chick." Bud: " Just for that, I'm not going to tell you who got the part in the next Romantic Roast coffee commercial." Kelly: " Oh, please Bud. Please tell me." Bud: " She's blond. She's standing right next to me. And she doesn't have a brain in her head." Griff: " This is Jefferson's 15 minutes of fame." Al: " Yeah, I'll be over before your < Marcie> hair grows out." TV Voice: " Romantic Roast, what Juan Valdez drinks when his wife is out of town." Al: " I made a Top 10 list of things to make you < Marcie> more attractive to you sex symbol husband. Marcie: " Oh, oh." Al: " 10. Wear tradition Islamic garb covering all but the eyes. 9. Feather removing electrolosys. 8. Ski Mask. 7. Sew up holes in the ski mask. 6. Have attractive woman to stand in front of you at all times. 5. Beak job. 4. Put paper bag over ski mask. 3. Shave head, tattoo Cindy Crawford's face on back. Learn to walk backwards. 2. Poke out eyes of every man on Earth. 1. Get President to make every day Halloween." Al: " There's more important things than money. Kelly's lips aren't going where Marcie's lips have been."{ Marcie: " And my Jefferson's lips aren't going where everyone else's lips have been." Al: " ...Hay, what are you hinting at?" Marcie: " What kind of kiss do you think it will be?" Al: " There's only 1 kind. Man faces woman, closes eyes and imagines he's with someone else. Just like sex." Episode 1025 Torch Song Duet ------------ --------------- Al: " The winner of sports radio trivia gets two tickets to the Olympics." Griff: " I didn't know you were such a fan of the Olympics." Al: " I'm not. I'm just a fan of leaving home." < Griff calls the radio show> Calvin: " You're mouthing with Calvin. Who's this?" Griff: " Griff." Calvin: " Griff, my man. Do you have a last name?" Griff: " X. Griff X." Calvin: " Are you Muslim? As in Malcolm X?" Griff: " No, I'm divorced. As in, screwed over by the X." Al: "...Then Shaq and the Dream Team take on the ever impressive Kuwaiti 5." Griff: " Some times it's fun to root for under-developed countries." < Marcie and Jefferson walk in> Al: " Speaking of under-developed." < Al and Griff are reading 'Illustrated Guide to Altanta's Nudie Bars> Al: " The South shall rise again." Griff: " And so shall we!" Kelly: " Daddy, you're so good. I bet in your next life, you'll be re-incarcerated." Larry Brown: " I'm here to see Griff." Al: " Why? You're a Super Bowl hero even though that bum O'Donnell threw those 2 passes right to you." Larry Brown: " I know that and you know that. But Walt Disney and the Raiders don't know that." Episode 1026 The Joke's On Al ------------ ---------------- Bob: " It's donut night at the nudie bar." Ike: " Every hooter is either glazed or jelly filled." Kelly: " Bud, guess who's been eating people?" Bud: " Who? Tommy LaSorda?" Griff: " I haven't eaten anybody. I don't even like ribs. Call my ex-wife." Cop: " We did. She said she once saught you pouring chocolate syrup on her best friend." Griff: " That wasn't cannabalism. It was adultry." Kelly: " You can't let her< June> stay the night. What about mom? Al: " What about her?" Bud: " The body's not even cold yet." Al: " You've obviously never slept with your mother." June: " Your arms are so strong." Al: " Well, I sell womens' shoes." June: " Take me, Al. I want you in the worst way." Al: " That's the only way I know how."

Andreas Paul