Newsgroups: alt.tv.mwc From: Alex.DeRouck@Cyberkafee.be (Alex De Rouck) Subject: I'll See You in Court (best parts) Date: Thu, 13 Jun 1996 12:31:58 GMT (I'll See You in Court) Bud : Mom, how are we gonna get money ? Dad took his wallet in the shower with him. Kelly : Yeah, and when we went for his pants last night, we found a note in his pocket that said 'It's in my underpants, I dare you'. Dad's playing hardball, what we're gonna do, mom ? Peg : Don't worry about it. That's not his real wallet. This is (she shows a wallet) Bud : Won't dad know ? Peg : No. I bought a duplicat wallet and I filled it with xeroxed money. Al : Well Peg, I'm showered and ready to go to work, an edge closer to the grave. Wish me luck. Peg : Al, take me. I wanna have sex on the kitchen table. Al : I wanna have a meal on the kitchen table. Learn to live without, I did. Goodbye. Peg : Al, I'm serious, I want sex. Al : Peg, how long have we been married ? 40, 50 years ? Do we not have 2 children ? Peg : Well, yeah. Al : Then my job's done. Marcy (coming in) Good morning, Al. Al : Try selling shoes (he leaves) Peg : Marcy, let me ask you something. Have you and Steve ever er... done it in other places ? Marcy : You mean likes busses, planes, the observation deck of the John Hancock building ? Peg : Sit down. Marcy, I'm trying to put some excitement and spontaneite into our sex life. In fact, I'm trying to put Al back into our sex life. Marcy : Well, let's start with seduction. What's your technique ? Peg : Well, what works best is when I leave a trail of chocolat bars from the bathroom to the bed. Of course, the trick is to space them out just right, so that he doesn't eat to much or dooze off before he gets to me. (The following scene takes place in the motel room) Al : Peg, I know what's going on here. The chocolats in the car, the oil on my zipper. You wan't sex, don't you ? Peg : No, I want a fur coat. But I'll take what's behind zipper number one. Al : Peg, if you scare him like this, he'll never come out. Peg : Look Al, I want sex. Do you wanna be conscious or not ? Come on honey, we could start with a yakuzi. Al : Oh Peg, I hate yakuzi's. They shoot air up my butt. Peg : Well, that's a nice change of pace. Okay Al, pop in the movie, pop in a breath mint, let's coach the mummy out of his crypt. Al : I don't wanna have sex, you're my wife, for god's sake. Hasn't having the kids taught you anything ? Nothing good comes of it. (back at home) Steve : I can't believe they taped us. Marcy : And on back to school night. Steve, I feel so violated. Al : Gee guys, if we had known you didn't know you were being taped, we never would have brought you here and sprung this on you. I feel terrible (he starts laughing, so does Peg). Steve : Yeah, yeah, laugh clowns, laugh. But here's a hot flash for you : if they taped us, they taped you too. Al : Peg, I told you we should never have sex ! Now everybody's gonna know. Peg : I just know my hair was a mess, and I had on my old nightgown. I never look good in pictures. Steve : I know this is off the subject, don't you realize that all our rights has been tremendously violated ? We were caught in the act of... (Bud and Kelly enter in the room) and then the duckie said to the frog 'Why is it on the menu ?'. Peg : Don't you kids have anything to do ? Kell : Well personally, I'm just killing time till I'm 18. Bud : And I'm helping her count. Bud : Kell, I believe something deeply personal is going on here, and it might be more comfortable for the adults if the children left the room. Therefore, I shall open the bidding. Steve : 5 dollars. Bud : I hear 10. Any further bidding ? Kelly : Perhaps from the little lady with the deep secret ? Steve : Al, can't you get rid of them ? Al : Don't you think I've tried ? Marcy : Allright, you little gangsters. How much are we talking ? Kell : Well, 50 bucks hides a lot of shame. Bud : Trust her, she should know. Peg : Kids ? Aren't you forgetting something ? Bud/Kelly : Thank, Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades. (the kids go to their room, money in hand) Peg : Al, what are we gonna do ? Al : Well, I don't know about you, but when the kids go to sleep, I'm looting. Steve : I tell you what I gonna do : I'm gonna sue these vermons for everything they got. Al : Well, I don't know, I've always been a fan of physical violence. How about if I go over there and break a back or two ? That way, everybody's happy. Peg : Quiet dear, Steve has a taught on how sex with you finally can be satisfying. So er... we can make some money out of this ? Steve : And see justice served. Right Marcy ? Marcy : When you go down there, and you've broken their spines and snapped their arms like little twiggs, and they're truly, truly helpless, then I'll come in. With just a mere old fashioned can opener. And I'll do things to them that'll make the devil himself vomit. Steve : Or er... we could sue. Peg : How much do you think we can get ? Steve : I think a million dollars is not out of the question. Peg : A million dollars ? Al, we hardly do anything together anymore. Let's sue. Al : I don't know, it could be kind of embarrasing. Peg : A million dollars, Al ! Do you know what that means to you ? Five thousand dollars ! (in the courtroom) Steve : Where's everybody going ? Marcy : They're standing for the judge, Mr. Darrow. Steve : My wife and I and Peggy and Al Bundy went to the Hop On Inn to endulge in some little clean marital fun. On separate occassions of course. During the course of our wholesome bliss, our romantic activities, the reaffirmation of the love we share and whatever the Bundys were doing, our privacy was invaded. Yes, we were violated by video cameras. But first, I think you should hear some background that I believe is important to this case : my grandfather came to this country a poor man... then, in world war II my uncle Nick wpied out more nazi dogs with venerial disease... and that concludes my opening statement. Ms. Weigel : I like to call my first witness to the stand, Mrs. Marcy Rhoades. Mrs. Rhoades, have you ever been to the Hop On Inn before the evening in question ? Marcy : Yes, once or twice. MW : We can't hear you. Marcy : I said once or twice. MW : Need I to call the desk clerk, Guido ? Marcy : 30 or 40 times. MW : 30 or 40 times ? Well, I guess that is normal. Mrs. Rhoades, are you wearing underwear ? Marcy : Two pairs. MW : And are they both crotchless ? Marcy : Yes. Damn you. MW : Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you, does this woman, the same woman you've witnessed on the tape looks like a woman who's been wronged by anyone but her husband ? Steve : I object ! Marcy : Sure, when she picks on you. Where were you during the underwear examination ? MW : I'd now like to call up the stand, Mr. Al Bundy. Peg : You did put on clean underwear today, did you Al ? (Al lowers his head) MW : Mr Bundy, on what ground are you sueing ? Al : Er... well, my wife is sick of poverty and er... she promised me five thousand dollars. MW : That's it ? Al : Then there's that outrage thing. MW : Mr Bundy, let's once again view that arousing performance you claim that my clients are capitilizing on. (The court watches the tape) Al : I'm er... feeling relaxed here, I'm er... breathing good, there's the foreplay and er... once again, I finish first. MW : I'd now like to call Mrs Bundy. Mrs Bundy, did you have sex with your husband at the Hop On Inn ? Peg : Yes. MW : Mrs Bundy, may I remind you that the penalty for purgory is seven years in prison where you, I ensure you, will have sex ? Peg : Allright, it may not be sex to you, but it is to me. Just because you all have husbands who can last long enough to time an egg doesn't mean that what Al does doesn't count. Is a crumb not a banquet for a starving person ? Is a fig leaf not clothing for the naked ? You can't do this to Al. He'll lose what little confidence he has ! (She shouts and looks at Al) You were great baby ! Please, oh please, don't listen to her, don't give up ! Jury foreman : We, the jury, award 10 000 dollars to Mr & Mrs Rhoades on the grounds that their privacy was indeed invaded. And er... as for the Bundys : no sex, no money !